daily grind – Page 3 – broke-single-dad

February 12, 2018

When to step in…

It’s half-term here and the cubs are with me.

Whilst the wearing down of my energy levels begins, I’m eternally grateful that they’re here.

Once they’re fed, they’re playing boisterously with one another. Watching them, I reflect on the rough and tumble that I had with my sisters growing up; it was great fun.

I also think back to my risk tolerance, which was obviously a lot higher back then.

They fight, wrestle, kiss and cuddle but every move seems to bring their heads dangerously close to every corner in the room that I’d never noticed before.

I flinch a lot but I try not to step in. I’m a great believer in learning from experience, as long as that experience doesn’t involve surgery.

They’re fine.

They then decide that they need to be outside. I can’t agree more. It’s about 3C with ice still on the ground, but there’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.

Nah; I don’t believe that either. It’s horribly cold. I send them out anyway.

She’s off with the keys and heading for the garage; she wants her archery set. I’m not out there to supervise and wonder if I need to be. I trust her. The only rule is that there is no shooting if her brother is down range.

I guess we’re at the crossroads where I have to relinquish some of that responsibility to them, well, more to her as she is older and know that whatever will be will be.

Helicopter parenting can do more damage than a bump on the head.

Here are two occasions when I have stepped in; I was ironing in my room and they were in her room; the following sentences had me running:

“It’s time for the sacrifice!”

and

“We can either chop your head off, or half of your head off”

I think she’s been doing history at school.

BSD

February 10, 2018

What’s on the contraband shelf today?

Here’s mine.

It’s actually the kitchen worktop but it’s where the cubs get patted down, airport style, before we leave for school and nursery.

I have to admire them; they never tire in their attempts to get stuff out.

It gets cleared at the weekend.

What’s on yours?

BSD

February 4, 2018

I’ve noticed this..

This is an unexpected issue of being a single parent.

When you buy clothes for your cubs, they invariably end up at your ex’s house.

I’m guessing that this is more likely if the parental share is disproportionate.

If anyone has an idea how to rectify this, other than handing over naked cubs, I’m all ears.

BSD

February 1, 2018

Is it always a struggle?

This question seems to roll around my head quite often; usually when I forget how lucky I am.

“Only dead people never get stressed, never get broken hearts, never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life” Susan David, PhD

I lifted this straight off of a Ted Talk that I stumbled across on twitter. I like it. At some point this weekend I’ll listen to it all, but it did get me thinking.

Why do we have adversity?

I think there are a number of answers to this question, the main one being equilibrium. A term that actually refers to the state of a chemical reaction in equal flux but has found comfortable use in day-to-day language.

Balance. That’s why. If we didn’t have the rough, we would neither recognise or enjoy the smooth.

Then there’s the others

As in the worse off. There is always someone worse off than you. It’s worth remembering but to be honest, that’s a skill. A divine one at times.

Silver lining

This is the bit I like. I’ve spoken about it before; when going through tough times, something invariably turns up to turn the tide.

It’s always worth remembering this.

It’s also worth remembering, as the psychologist Susan David said, the only way to avoid the pain and heartache that comes with life is to not live it. Don’t expose yourself to it. Don’t take chances.

But where’s the fun in that?

So as you’ve probably picked up, things are challenging at the moment. The positive thing is that I now recognise the signs. Once you can do this, you can attempt to control your responses.

Owning your feelings and responses is a better option than shying away from any experience that may well be painful.

The greatest rewards are often linked to the greatest risk.

Ending on a cliché,

BSD

PS, stay positive my lovely people.

January 20, 2018

Normal service

OK. I’ve calmed down. The last couple of posts were a mixture of anger and frustration, but I’m better than that.

In order to lighten the mood, I’ve amalgamated the 3 posts that have been sitting in draft.

Whole lotta 👅 going on
The usual Friday bedtime routine consists of me explaining to the cubs that they can’t sleep in my bed. Sometimes I mean it. This time I did.

They have a workaround. First thing on Saturday morning, they jump into bed with me and we have a cuddle and watch a movie. This time, I even let them consume a bag of popcorn in my bed.

Bad idea.

At a glance, I would say that their success rate for popcorn to mouth was roughly 50%. Give or take a 5% margin. Once the film finished I told them that I wanted all the uneaten bits cleaned up while I was in the shower.

Whilst brushing my teeth, I heard a commotion followed by silence. I resisted the urge to look.

When I did emerge, the bed was clean, the duvet turned down and they were nowhere to be seen. Nice work cubs.

That evening at bedtime, whilst reading Dig dig digging for the millionth time, I thanked them for tidying my bed.

“That’s ok dad; once we’d got the big bits we just licked the rest clean”

I sat silently, asking Jesus why he’d let something like that happen.

Getting my own back
Tonight’s routine was a little muted. They’re both under par so there was little resistance.

Tucking in the eldest, she remarked that she felt awful with the flu. Her temperature was elevated and she had a headache.

“Dad? How does flu spread?”

Well it’s a virus that is very clever once it gets in your system. It can hide, it can change, known as mutation and will act differently in different people.

“Yes but how does it get into your body?

This is where it gets really interesting; it’s so clever that it knows it prefers to be inside new people to survive so what it does is to make you cough and sneeze and it’s then carried in the thousands of water droplets that come out of us when we do. If you breathe those water droplets in the virus gets into you. It can also survive for 24 hours on hard surfaces like door handles. You’ll then come along and touch that door handle, then touch your face. The result is the same.

She silently takes it all in and begins to process it.

“So when we were in the car with you daddy, that’s when we got it?”

No. I kept licking your face while you slept.

“DADDY!!”

Sprint finish
” Dad; I think you need a new workout. I’ve made one for you”

Ok sounds good. What’ve you got?

“Well you start of with 25 star jumps..”

Ok; then?

“Then you move onto 25 press ups..”

Sounds good. Anything else?

“You should touch your toes 3 times..”

Sounds like a spell now but go on..

“Then finish with a small run; say 13 miles”

I’ll pass.

BSD

January 19, 2018

Ignoring my own advice

It seems my tactic of not arguing with the ex isn’t working.

I have the cubs with me. I’ve had them since yesterday. The youngest has a fever, sore throat and runny nose. I’ve kept him off nursery.

Following the school run, my eldest is complaining of fatigue and a high temperature. The back of my hand on her head confirms this. On the way home, they both fall asleep.

I message the ex and tell her that both cubs have the flu.

Surprise surprise. Almost as if they’d been exposed to someone with the flu early last week.

She asked me what their temperatures are. I tell her that they’re both above average but he is hotter. This isn’t good enough. She asks if I have a thermometer. I don’t.

I rely on a method my mother taught me; using the back of my hand for a rough guide and my cheek for more accuracy. I love it.

She insists on dropping off a tympanic thermometer on her way home. I tell her it’s not necessary. The kids are monitored and medicated as necessary.

Not good enough. She’s coming anyway; lectures me on my paternal skills and obligations, again, and says she’ll be there shortly.

By the time the doorbell rings, both cubs are under a blanket with me on the sofa, having been fed and duly medicated.

I answer; extremely annoyed. She wants to see them. They’ve heard her voice. She comes in but not before I tell her she’s out of order. A good old British saying straight out of the East End of London.

She takes her shoes off and sits down, preparing to take temperatures. Both within tolerable ranges. Almost as if I’d looked after them.

She then starts advising me on dosages and checking regimes. I flip. Nicely though, as the cubs are present.

I remind her, that anytime the cubs have been really ill, it was me who discovered so. Me who made her call ambulances, told her what to say then conversed with medics.

It was me, who walked around her to get to our choking daughter, whilst she stared at her, totally unaware of a problem.

I also reminded her that it’s me, with actual medical training, that I have used to save lives over the last two decades.

She’s out staying what little welcome she had; I politely ask her to leave. I know, that youngest is going to be deeply upset at mummy’s fleeting visit. She’s off to the gym again. She’s done a similar thing before.

He breaks down in tears. Offers of hugs and his favourite blanket are rejected. This lasted for 15 minutes.

Luckily, the Power Rangers appeared on the Red Bull soapbox race and made him smile.

I breathe.

I’ve left elements of this exchange out, especially peripheral (and perpetual) pseudo arguments that have been rumbling for a while now.

My own advice has got me nowhere and now I intend to fight fire with fire.

I guess it takes two to argue.

BSD

January 17, 2018

Unexpected revelation

I still have flu. It really sucks. This isn’t a moan-fest. It might just be a tender look into myself.

I think the biggest reason being ill and subsequently off work sucks so much is because it’s highlighted the emptiness of my nest.

I have the cubs from tomorrow and all over the weekend and I can’t wait. At the same time, I’m also willing myself to be better so I can make a decent job of looking after them. I’m aware this is wishful thinking. I’ve already silenced the man-flu-ers with a 6 pound weight loss in the last week.

I’m rambling.

The last week has been a GroundHoggy existence of sleeping and falling asleep, punctuated by scant eating.

Unseen elements

So this empty nest thing is the single parent conundrum. Do you get a place that is big enough for your family or something more compact and bijou?

I went for space. I have one of each and they’re getting to an age where they want their own space so it was a no brainer.

The flip side of having the bigger place is that as the non-main-caregiver (how 21st Century) is that for the majority of the time, you kick around it on your own.

I’ve noticed this more because I’m not at work.

The elephant

So the revelation is that the empty nest seems emptier

Hang on

I’ve literally just had a nap. I was rambling so I shut down for a bit. Hate this.

The elephant. cont.

Is that to be ill when one lives alone is, well, lonely.

I’ve spent a lot of time in bed lately just trying to shake things off and for the last week there’s been a pile of clean laundry on my bed.

It was folded and waiting for me to put it away but has since been fashioned into a pile, about the height of sleeping person to which I have been propping myself up of a nighttime.

I hadn’t thought much of it as I’d done it unconsciously over a few days. Plus, research says that sleeping with your head slightly elevated whilst suffering from flu is beneficial to breathing.

I think I miss the ‘Do you want anything?’ type questions and the fact that at some point, food would arrive.

I did a slow cooker thing that lasted 3 days but now I need to stand up and cook.

I’m not going to.

Let’s kill this

Well folks this is a ramble fest. Sorry.

The moral of the story is, being ill sucks when you’re single.

100% more optimism will be available in my next post.

BSD

December 16, 2017

Time to reflect.

It’s that time of year again where I like to take stock of the last 12 months. It’s a thing I do that allows me to press on into the oncoming new year with vigour and determination.

I try to weigh up the good and the bad in an attempt to learn the lessons that I was supposed to.

Sometimes I’m a slow learner.

The cub’s mum

We had more downs than ups. It’s still new and the wounds are still open I guess. This morning we managed to have a row after I asked how she was; the accusation? I phrased the question incorrectly.

I backed off. Part of my philosophy; it takes two to have an argument and I’m not playing.

The lesson

This was one of a few flash points that we collectively experienced over the last year. So how do I avoid them in future, and why should I?

The easy answer is the stress that arguing brings. I just realised that my teeth were clenched whilst typing!

Some disagreement is inevitable, but it’s the handling of such that is all important; the reasons to avoid it are pretty obvious:

Poor health
Poor relationships
Unhappy cubs

The last one is crucially important.

I’ve spoken before about the fact that I will never speak ill of her in front of the cubs. It’s not fair; they only have one mum and they deserve to hold her in high esteem. I will do nothing to change that image.

This is where the teachings of the ‘7 Habits’ come in; seek to understand, before being understood.

In future, I’ll choose my words more carefully; consider my tone and watch my timing. Communication, not confrontation.

Failing that I’ll ignore her until the end of time, plus 15 minutes.

My home

I’ve mentioned already that I’m not overly happy where I am at the moment; it’s too far out for where I need to be, most of the time.

The lesson

Stop moaning! It’s warm, it’s dry, there’s food in the fridge. Some folk have none of those.

I’m sure that I will move in the not too distant future but for now, this is one blessing that I am counting.

Relationships

I’m single. I have been for a while now; the longest while in over two decades. For once, it actually feels ok.

The lesson

Historically, I used to bounce from relationship to relationship, without a break, without ever reflecting on why the last one didn’t work. Sometimes, perhaps inevitably, I’d go on to make the same mistakes again, and again.

I had to stop and ask myself why this was.

What was I compensating for?
what was I afraid of?
what was lacking in myself that I sought from a companion and could that ever be the successful driver of any relationship?

I know that I need to be the complete article before I can share that place in my heart.

I believe in the Law of Attraction; thoughts become things etc.

I also believe that the Universe will keep giving us the same lesson, until we learn it. I’m just thankful that the Universe is very patient.

I’m getting nearer to those answers by spending time with myself, discovering who I am, after all this time.

In the meantime, the most important relationship is the one I’m proudest of; the one with my cubs. They give the most amazing cuddles.

I’m sure that when the time is right, she’ll find me, or we’ll find each other. Then I’ll have to change my pen name.

Finances

Tough! as they no doubt are for us all. Everything seems to be going up apart from our wages.

The lesson

Take control and keep control.

If you’ve read my last post on clearing my debt, you’ll know that I plan to smash this one in 2018.

My ultimate goal is to have 3 income streams. Something recommended by the successful out there. I’ll give you more on that one in 2018.

Health

I know the benefits of exercise, especially in the world we live in today. You absolutely have to do it. I use it to defuse stress too. See my first point, above.

The lesson

Schedule my workouts!

I schedule everything else important, so why should this be any different?

I’m fit; I’m healthy and I’m thankful; truly, truly thankful.

More of the same next year and maybe something to aim for..?

So that’s about it for now. The planning is the next phase and the important thing is to set my goals early and write them down.

Commitment is everything!

So that’s it for now. Looking back, I’m pretty sure I know what I need to what I need to stop, what I need to start and what I need to keep doing in 2018.

Bring it on!

BSD

December 11, 2017December 10, 2017

Instant regret.

In this, the Christmas month, I decided that I’d hold off on decorating my house until the cubs were here and could join in.

I decided to start a tradition, based on memories from my childhood; we were going to walk to the shops to get the tree and other decorations.

I’ve recently become concerned about their health and fitness, so this seemed like the perfect solution; it was about a 2 mile round trip.

Current weather

Winter has come to Blighty. It is bitterly cold and there has been intermittent snow but I’m a great believer in there being no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. I told them to get dressed for the walk.

As if by magic, my daughter turned up in the flimsiest of cagoules.

Darling, you’ll need your thick coat. And your hat. And your gloves.

She disagrees.

He duly puts his boots on, then his thick, down jacket and gloves before I have to take it all of him again as he’d done a poo.

She’s adamant that this tiny coat will be enough, ‘as she likes the cold anyway’; I tell her to look up ‘hypothermia’, whilst I get her brother dressed.

Finally attired how I would like them to be, we head out.

Cold!

Although it wasn’t obvious at first.

The vista was lovely. Some snow remained and frost had crept in. It was truly a winter wonderland.

What I hadn’t factored in to this new tradition, was just how slow my son walked. Or how interested in nature he was.

The route was tree lined and almost every fallen leaf clearly needed inspecting.

Every sycamore seed needed testing for airworthiness.

The whole expedition was brought to a halt by two squirrels fighting in a tree. Well, they weren’t fighting, but that’s the story the cubs got. What is it with animals we come across?

Onwards

After a while, my son’s attention turns to his own well-being.

“My neck isn’t feeling well”

A quick once over and he seems fine; we push on. His sister is less talkative. I ask if she’s ok.

She turns to face me, her nose a fetching shade of red.

“I’m glad you made me wear this coat daddy. I think I have hypothermia”

You don’t. We’re nearly there.

“How are we getting the tree back? How are we getting back?”

We’re going to walk.

She thinks for a while.

“This is like a terrible version of a good day.”

I think I’ll rethink that tradition.

Ps – distance covered = 200 metres.

BSD

November 25, 2017

A quick breakfast discussion with the cubs

Son: My sister is not a he…

He’s just getting to grips with gender, after caller her ‘him’ for about six months now.

Correct

Son: He’s a girl!

Almost right

Daughter: I’m a she!

Son: Yes. And I’m a boy!

Yes

Son: And daddy is a man!

Correct

Daughter: and mummy is a lady; isn’t she daddy?

Daughter: Daddy?

Daughter: Daddy??

Bath time

BSD