A blog on thriving, when you only really planned to be one of those three things.
This is an unexpected issue of being a single parent.
When you buy clothes for your cubs, they invariably end up at your ex’s house.
I’m guessing that this is more likely if the parental share is disproportionate.
If anyone has an idea how to rectify this, other than handing over naked cubs, I’m all ears.
BSD
I’m a couple of days late with this entry; forgive me. Things have been, interesting.
When I decided to create this debt reducing thread, I had a few ideas as to how I’d proceed.
My original plan was to work more and generate income, in effect creating a surplus to my monthly income. That surplus would then go to reducing my outstanding debt.
But I hit a snag. The overtime that was offered was snapped up like bread in a duck pond by keen eyed colleagues. I missed out on some great opportunities in January.
(My daughter is sitting on my shoulder and reading everything I type out loud. It’s annoying, bless her)
I also had a bout of the flu, which lasted around 3 weeks. It incapacitated me, showing another flaw in my plan.
But I have more plans – income generation.
Jumping about
Let’s back up a bit. January wasn’t all bad. I did manage to secure some overtime, some extra work delivering training, and offered my availability to do some shadowing/monitoring for some other stuff on the periphery of my day job. That was promising and it will show its rewards at the end of this month.
It also all materialised around the same time that I was starting to worry that nothing would turn up.
January is a long month
Historically it felt that way anyway. The issue of Christmas spending and a payday that can leave you budgeting for 6 oncoming weeks can make you feel the pinch, but last year I planned properly and all was well. January was just another month.
I guess sleeping through a third of it helped.
On the downside, the credit cards have remained static, rather than showing signs of reduction.
This might take longer than I thought.
Changing shape
I had meant to look at shifting regular payments onto my card, then paying more of my salary into them per month.
I haven’t yet. I will.
It might work.
Income generation
This isn’t a new thing. In a much earlier post I spoke of how some of the greatest financial whizzes out there talk of wealth creation methodologies.
Three income streams is the key. The theory being, if you lose one stream you still have money coming in.
In these days of redundancies and corporate collapse, we need all the security we can get.
Passive income seems to be the ideal. But does real passive income exist?
I’ve been working on a couple of digital sidelines and I can tell you, they take work! I’ve no doubt that once they’re up and running the time taken to tend them will fall away but for now, it’s work work work work work.
Investing
So here’s the key; the realisation that opportunities to work more in my current role are susceptible to my health and the speed of my response to an email has led me to the realisation that I need to invest more in my sidelines. This will mean investing in myself by getting some training/mentoring.
Gurus here I come.
BSD
January 2017
Card 1= 97.9% utilisation
Card 2 = 99.4% utilisation
This question seems to roll around my head quite often; usually when I forget how lucky I am.
“Only dead people never get stressed, never get broken hearts, never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.
Tough emotions are part of our contract with life” Susan David, PhD
I lifted this straight off of a Ted Talk that I stumbled across on twitter. I like it. At some point this weekend I’ll listen to it all, but it did get me thinking.
Why do we have adversity?
I think there are a number of answers to this question, the main one being equilibrium. A term that actually refers to the state of a chemical reaction in equal flux but has found comfortable use in day-to-day language.
Balance. That’s why. If we didn’t have the rough, we would neither recognise or enjoy the smooth.
Then there’s the others
As in the worse off. There is always someone worse off than you. It’s worth remembering but to be honest, that’s a skill. A divine one at times.
Silver lining
This is the bit I like. I’ve spoken about it before; when going through tough times, something invariably turns up to turn the tide.
It’s always worth remembering this.
It’s also worth remembering, as the psychologist Susan David said, the only way to avoid the pain and heartache that comes with life is to not live it. Don’t expose yourself to it. Don’t take chances.
But where’s the fun in that?
So as you’ve probably picked up, things are challenging at the moment. The positive thing is that I now recognise the signs. Once you can do this, you can attempt to control your responses.
Owning your feelings and responses is a better option than shying away from any experience that may well be painful.
The greatest rewards are often linked to the greatest risk.
Ending on a cliché,
BSD
PS, stay positive my lovely people.
OK. I’ve calmed down. The last couple of posts were a mixture of anger and frustration, but I’m better than that.
In order to lighten the mood, I’ve amalgamated the 3 posts that have been sitting in draft.
Whole lotta 👅 going on
The usual Friday bedtime routine consists of me explaining to the cubs that they can’t sleep in my bed. Sometimes I mean it. This time I did.
They have a workaround. First thing on Saturday morning, they jump into bed with me and we have a cuddle and watch a movie. This time, I even let them consume a bag of popcorn in my bed.
Bad idea.
At a glance, I would say that their success rate for popcorn to mouth was roughly 50%. Give or take a 5% margin. Once the film finished I told them that I wanted all the uneaten bits cleaned up while I was in the shower.
Whilst brushing my teeth, I heard a commotion followed by silence. I resisted the urge to look.
When I did emerge, the bed was clean, the duvet turned down and they were nowhere to be seen. Nice work cubs.
That evening at bedtime, whilst reading Dig dig digging for the millionth time, I thanked them for tidying my bed.
“That’s ok dad; once we’d got the big bits we just licked the rest clean”
I sat silently, asking Jesus why he’d let something like that happen.
Getting my own back
Tonight’s routine was a little muted. They’re both under par so there was little resistance.
Tucking in the eldest, she remarked that she felt awful with the flu. Her temperature was elevated and she had a headache.
“Dad? How does flu spread?”
Well it’s a virus that is very clever once it gets in your system. It can hide, it can change, known as mutation and will act differently in different people.
“Yes but how does it get into your body?
This is where it gets really interesting; it’s so clever that it knows it prefers to be inside new people to survive so what it does is to make you cough and sneeze and it’s then carried in the thousands of water droplets that come out of us when we do. If you breathe those water droplets in the virus gets into you. It can also survive for 24 hours on hard surfaces like door handles. You’ll then come along and touch that door handle, then touch your face. The result is the same.
She silently takes it all in and begins to process it.
“So when we were in the car with you daddy, that’s when we got it?”
No. I kept licking your face while you slept.
“DADDY!!”
Sprint finish
” Dad; I think you need a new workout. I’ve made one for you”
Ok sounds good. What’ve you got?
“Well you start of with 25 star jumps..”
Ok; then?
“Then you move onto 25 press ups..”
Sounds good. Anything else?
“You should touch your toes 3 times..”
Sounds like a spell now but go on..
“Then finish with a small run; say 13 miles”
I’ll pass.
BSD
It seems my tactic of not arguing with the ex isn’t working.
I have the cubs with me. I’ve had them since yesterday. The youngest has a fever, sore throat and runny nose. I’ve kept him off nursery.
Following the school run, my eldest is complaining of fatigue and a high temperature. The back of my hand on her head confirms this. On the way home, they both fall asleep.
I message the ex and tell her that both cubs have the flu.
Surprise surprise. Almost as if they’d been exposed to someone with the flu early last week.
She asked me what their temperatures are. I tell her that they’re both above average but he is hotter. This isn’t good enough. She asks if I have a thermometer. I don’t.
I rely on a method my mother taught me; using the back of my hand for a rough guide and my cheek for more accuracy. I love it.
She insists on dropping off a tympanic thermometer on her way home. I tell her it’s not necessary. The kids are monitored and medicated as necessary.
Not good enough. She’s coming anyway; lectures me on my paternal skills and obligations, again, and says she’ll be there shortly.
By the time the doorbell rings, both cubs are under a blanket with me on the sofa, having been fed and duly medicated.
I answer; extremely annoyed. She wants to see them. They’ve heard her voice. She comes in but not before I tell her she’s out of order. A good old British saying straight out of the East End of London.
She takes her shoes off and sits down, preparing to take temperatures. Both within tolerable ranges. Almost as if I’d looked after them.
She then starts advising me on dosages and checking regimes. I flip. Nicely though, as the cubs are present.
I remind her, that anytime the cubs have been really ill, it was me who discovered so. Me who made her call ambulances, told her what to say then conversed with medics.
It was me, who walked around her to get to our choking daughter, whilst she stared at her, totally unaware of a problem.
I also reminded her that it’s me, with actual medical training, that I have used to save lives over the last two decades.
She’s out staying what little welcome she had; I politely ask her to leave. I know, that youngest is going to be deeply upset at mummy’s fleeting visit. She’s off to the gym again. She’s done a similar thing before.
He breaks down in tears. Offers of hugs and his favourite blanket are rejected. This lasted for 15 minutes.
Luckily, the Power Rangers appeared on the Red Bull soapbox race and made him smile.
I breathe.
I’ve left elements of this exchange out, especially peripheral (and perpetual) pseudo arguments that have been rumbling for a while now.
My own advice has got me nowhere and now I intend to fight fire with fire.
I guess it takes two to argue.
BSD
And I don’t appear to be able to control it.
Allow me to elaborate. There is a lady on the school run, well actually she’s the mum of one of my daughter’s friends. She’s also one of the carers in after-school club and I can’t stop this inappropriate reflex when in her presence.
It’s happened about 7 times now. No, not about 7 times, 7 times. Exactly 7 times. I’ve counted.
It happens when I sign my daughter out of the club and we have a conversation. She’s a lovely lady and we get on really well; we always have done.
As I sign the time and we say our goodbyes, it happens. It always happens.
I wink, and walk away.
As I walk away I always, always ask myself why the heck I just did that? but whenever it’s her, I always do.
Now let me add some back story here. I have no intentions towards this lovely lady. She has a great personality and is attractive but I have no improper intent towards her for a multitude of reasons, not least because she’s not interested and that she has a fantastic husband who I regularly converse with whenever we see one another.
I started to think it harmless and she doesn’t respond in any way but I think I’m now conditioned to close our conversations in that way.
Not just her
I’ve only ever caught myself doing it once before, in a meeting with the Head Mistress of the school when we thought my daughter was being bullied. After a rather terse exchange I threw a wink and cheeky smile combo which wouldn’t have looked out-of-place in a bar.
With the speed of an echo she threw one back and met my smile with one of her own. I felt uncomfortable. I, felt uncomfortable!
I dismissed it as a nervous response to my wink which was so out-of-place in the whole conversation.
I did try to stifle a wink once but the result was a cross between a sneeze and a medical episode.
I feel like a cad from a vintage film.
I’m laughing at this now but it could be fever.
BSD
I still have flu. It really sucks. This isn’t a moan-fest. It might just be a tender look into myself.
I think the biggest reason being ill and subsequently off work sucks so much is because it’s highlighted the emptiness of my nest.
I have the cubs from tomorrow and all over the weekend and I can’t wait. At the same time, I’m also willing myself to be better so I can make a decent job of looking after them. I’m aware this is wishful thinking. I’ve already silenced the man-flu-ers with a 6 pound weight loss in the last week.
I’m rambling.
The last week has been a GroundHoggy existence of sleeping and falling asleep, punctuated by scant eating.
Unseen elements
So this empty nest thing is the single parent conundrum. Do you get a place that is big enough for your family or something more compact and bijou?
I went for space. I have one of each and they’re getting to an age where they want their own space so it was a no brainer.
The flip side of having the bigger place is that as the non-main-caregiver (how 21st Century) is that for the majority of the time, you kick around it on your own.
I’ve noticed this more because I’m not at work.
The elephant
So the revelation is that the empty nest seems emptier
Hang on
I’ve literally just had a nap. I was rambling so I shut down for a bit. Hate this.
The elephant. cont.
Is that to be ill when one lives alone is, well, lonely.
I’ve spent a lot of time in bed lately just trying to shake things off and for the last week there’s been a pile of clean laundry on my bed.
It was folded and waiting for me to put it away but has since been fashioned into a pile, about the height of sleeping person to which I have been propping myself up of a nighttime.
I hadn’t thought much of it as I’d done it unconsciously over a few days. Plus, research says that sleeping with your head slightly elevated whilst suffering from flu is beneficial to breathing.
I think I miss the ‘Do you want anything?’ type questions and the fact that at some point, food would arrive.
I did a slow cooker thing that lasted 3 days but now I need to stand up and cook.
I’m not going to.
Let’s kill this
Well folks this is a ramble fest. Sorry.
The moral of the story is, being ill sucks when you’re single.
100% more optimism will be available in my next post.
BSD
And sucking at it.
2018 has got off to an interesting start. I have the flu. I’ve been feeling crap since New Year’s Day, but I thought it was karma for drinking a bottle of Prosecco after being dry for so long. After 4 days of feeling poor, I suspected something else might be at play.
Dr Google; such a bad idea.
Not something I usually do but I had a bit of time on my hands. Within 15 minutes I was both diabetic and suffering from Meniere’s disease. Not good. I quickly ruled both out from no basis of logic whatsoever.
I then self diagnosed as suffering from exhaustion. Feasible, as I’m known to regularly give myself a hard time. But it didn’t add up; I’d had lots of time off over Christmas and the ex and I were getting on quite well. The kids had a great Christmas and I even managed some charitable giving, which made me feel great.
Slowly dawning
Back in spasm, shivering, going to bed fully clothed (I was freezing and boiling) and a constant headache. Throw in a cough that hurts the already hurt back and you’ve got the picture.
H3N2
Well hello. Britain has been hit by this little mix of numbers and letters, colloquially known as Aussie Flu. It really sucks. In the same breath, it’s not the end of the world; a bit of rest and plenty of fluids and all will be well.
This is not what this thread is about.
Too good to be true
I said earlier that the ex and I had been getting on better in recent weeks; that has since come crashing down.
My tank is on empty, even to the point where I found it hard to blog. I have 3 entries in draft that are no more than headlines. As we Brits say, I’m knackered (extremely tired).
After having the cubs last weekend it is customary for me to have them one day in the week. For the first time, I really couldn’t manage it. The school and nursery pickup seemed like a tall order; I couldn’t face it. I reached out to the ex, asking her to have them for one extra day this week.
What I got back was a torrent of abuse, questions on my abilities and priorities as a parent, a quick lesson on the differences between flu and the common cold, and the helpful phrase, ‘suck it up’. This was topped of by a short paragraph on why she wouldn’t be picking them up later, regardless of whether she heard from me or not.
I picked them up and luckily they didn’t mind tired daddy at all.
Ironic
The plot twist to this is that the day before, she called to ask me to pick them up as she would be late collecting them. This is a regular occurrence. So much so, that she actually called me this afternoon, telling me she was stuck in traffic and asking my location.
Quite incredulous, I informed her that I was in bed, with the flu. I also asked her if she remembered berating me not 48 hours earlier. I was told that me laying in bed and not helping her, was a choice.
I hung up on her.
Do as I say; not as I do
So already in today’s post, I’ve broken a few of my rules. I’ve always stated that I wouldn’t use this as a platform to beat her with, as I hope my cubs will read this in later years and enjoy how much I enjoy them.
At the same time, I have a simmering anger at this latest exchange. These aren’t new behaviours. A solipsistic theme ran through our relationship but I thought I was now immune to it. I was wrong.
At the time of her original rebuke, I followed my own rule quite well, in that you cannot have an argument with only one participant. Strangely, I knew that she would be in touch sooner rather than later with tales of her lateness. I didn’t have to wait long.
Pawns?
I thought long and hard about this one.
My job, as a dad, is to act in the best interest of my children; always.
I don’t think so.
Teamwork was something I never experienced with the ex. It all seemed to flow one way and I slowly got bored of that. It looks like nothing has changed.
Moving forwards
I’m going to change tack in my relationship with her. The thing with people who are naturally takers is that they will continue to do so, as long as you keep giving. If you keep giving, they don’t learn and fail to grow.
There will be no more 11th hour pickups because she’s late. It happens so regularly that it reeks of a failure to be organised. Historically I have even compromised my work in order to cover for her inability to keep time or commitment. That’s gone.
Apologies if this read as a rant; normal service will resume shortly.
But not for her.
BSD
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead
“It’s only school dad; and that sounds like a bad thing to do”
Some children have no sense of occasion.
BSD
Has everyone had a nice Christmas?
I have, and so have the cubs. It was so far removed from what I endured last Year that it’s incomparable.
In those 365 days I’ve learnt so much about myself and the people that come into my life and more importantly, those who remain.
The cubs have had a brilliant time and have been showered with love (and presents). So much so in fact that I have decided to donate some to a local children’s hospice. I want to give back and the only reason I’ve written about it here is to maybe trigger thoughts in others as to how we can give back or help those less fortunate.
This isn’t my review of 2017, in fact I’m not going to do one; I’m not that interesting.
I will be doing one more post and that will be regarding the second part of the race to zero.
Resolutions
To read more of your blogs. I love doing so as it gives me inspiration, advice and makes me chuckle.
They also serve to remind me that I’m not the only one pushing forwards and trying to make sense of this all.
Keep on keeping on folks xx
PS.
Like a glutton for punishment I had both of them in my bed last night as they’ll now be with Mum for a week or so.
Both of them expanded like magic bath toys, moaned every hour on the hour, leaked a nappy onto me and said bed and I’m so sleep deprived I feel I may expire but, I couldn’t be happier.
BSD
broke-single-dad 