BSD – Page 6 – broke-single-dad

January 13, 2018

Guess what’s annoying me now?

We have this thing here in the UK. I don’t know what it’s like in your part of the world, but here in Blighty, we have this phenomenon.

It’s called ‘man flu’

It’s actually more of a paradigm than a physical thing but it comes with its own constructs and behaviours.

It’s usually an extension of flu, but in the literary sense, it is the absolute to any notion of an illness.

I have flu. I know this. I’ve had it before. No, it’s not a cold, it’s definitely flu. Have I been to a Dr? No. The few times I’ve had flu historically, I know that there’s little they can do and you actually spread the virus to everyone you meet in the process.

I know it’s flu because I’m awake at 4 am and sleep at 11 am. The last meal I had was breakfast (on Wednesday) and I’m shivering, fully clothed. I sneeze about once an hour; cough every half. Strong coughs too. The kind that wake you up at 4 am.

I’ve also felt crap for two weeks so I’ve a pretty good idea. I wish the whole thing would just cough off now.

But recently, I have discovered this. I can’t have flu.

Third parties have deemed it either unlikely or impossible.

“You have a cold” said the mother of my cubs, whilst advising me to “Suck it up”

Look out Med School; here she comes.

But the proxy diagnosis that really gets me, is

Aw, have you got man flu?

Cough off.

BSD

January 11, 2018

Taking my own advice

And sucking at it.

2018 has got off to an interesting start. I have the flu. I’ve been feeling crap since New Year’s Day, but I thought it was karma for drinking a bottle of Prosecco after being dry for so long. After 4 days of feeling poor, I suspected something else might be at play.

Dr Google; such a bad idea.

Not something I usually do but I had a bit of time on my hands. Within 15 minutes I was both diabetic and suffering from Meniere’s disease. Not good. I quickly ruled both out from no basis of logic whatsoever.

I then self diagnosed as suffering from exhaustion. Feasible, as I’m known to regularly give myself a hard time. But it didn’t add up; I’d had lots of time off over Christmas and the ex and I were getting on quite well. The kids had a great Christmas and I even managed some charitable giving, which made me feel great.

Slowly dawning

Back in spasm, shivering, going to bed fully clothed (I was freezing and boiling) and a constant headache. Throw in a cough that hurts the already hurt back and you’ve got the picture.

H3N2

Well hello. Britain has been hit by this little mix of numbers and letters, colloquially known as Aussie Flu. It really sucks. In the same breath, it’s not the end of the world; a bit of rest and plenty of fluids and all will be well.

This is not what this thread is about.

Too good to be true

I said earlier that the ex and I had been getting on better in recent weeks; that has since come crashing down.

My tank is on empty, even to the point where I found it hard to blog. I have 3 entries in draft that are no more than headlines. As we Brits say, I’m knackered (extremely tired).

After having the cubs last weekend it is customary for me to have them one day in the week. For the first time, I really couldn’t manage it. The school and nursery pickup seemed like a tall order; I couldn’t face it. I reached out to the ex, asking her to have them for one extra day this week.

What I got back was a torrent of abuse, questions on my abilities and priorities as a parent, a quick lesson on the differences between flu and the common cold, and the helpful phrase, ‘suck it up’. This was topped of by a short paragraph on why she wouldn’t be picking them up later, regardless of whether she heard from me or not.

I picked them up and luckily they didn’t mind tired daddy at all.

Ironic

The plot twist to this is that the day before, she called to ask me to pick them up as she would be late collecting them. This is a regular occurrence. So much so, that she actually called me this afternoon, telling me she was stuck in traffic and asking my location.

Quite incredulous, I informed her that I was in bed, with the flu. I also asked her if she remembered berating me not 48 hours earlier. I was told that me laying in bed and not helping her, was a choice.

I hung up on her.

Do as I say; not as I do

So already in today’s post, I’ve broken a few of my rules. I’ve always stated that I wouldn’t use this as a platform to beat her with, as I hope my cubs will read this in later years and enjoy how much I enjoy them.

At the same time, I have a simmering anger at this latest exchange. These aren’t new behaviours. A solipsistic theme ran through our relationship but I thought I was now immune to it. I was wrong.

At the time of her original rebuke, I followed my own rule quite well, in that you cannot have an argument with only one participant. Strangely, I knew that she would be in touch sooner rather than later with tales of her lateness. I didn’t have to wait long.

Pawns?

I thought long and hard about this one.

My job, as a dad, is to act in the best interest of my children; always.

How did my request differ from hers?
By not helping her, I usually do, was I just being an ass and digging in out of some petty revenge mode?
Was I using my beloved cubs as pawns?

I don’t think so.

Teamwork was something I never experienced with the ex. It all seemed to flow one way and I slowly got bored of that. It looks like nothing has changed.

Moving forwards

I’m going to change tack in my relationship with her. The thing with people who are naturally takers is that they will continue to do so, as long as you keep giving. If you keep giving, they don’t learn and fail to grow.

There will be no more 11th hour pickups because she’s late. It happens so regularly that it reeks of a failure to be organised. Historically I have even compromised my work in order to cover for her inability to keep time or commitment. That’s gone.

Apologies if this read as a rant; normal service will resume shortly.

But not for her.

BSD

January 4, 2018

First day of the school term

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;

Or close the wall up with our English dead

“It’s only school dad; and that sounds like a bad thing to do”

Some children have no sense of occasion.

BSD

December 31, 2017September 20, 2018

The race to zero pt.2

Hello all, and for some of you (at the time of writing) Happy New Year!

I’m not sure where the last 365 days went but it’s been one heck of a year. So much has happened and most of it was good; especially starting this blog.

I’m still not sure what it is meant to be but I’m throwing down some more coherent content here so I’m happy. It will get more focused the more I learn what I’m doing.

Down to business

Those of you that read part 1 of this thread will know that I am planning to eradicate my credit card debt over the next year, hopefully less. It’s not a massive amount but I would say it’s more of a psychological burden than a physical one.

I also stated in part 1 that the debt would initially increase as I planned to do some of my Christmas spending on it. I did, but I didn’t go crazy, thanks to self-discipline.

Success

As stated in part one, the main strategy is to reduce the largest debt (and highest interest rate) card first by overpaying on the previous over payments. Done

Reduce any spending on them to the absolute minimum and emergencies only. I’ll have to report back in pt.3

Move regular payments to the cards where possible, then pay more of my salary into clearing those balances. On-going. The jury is still out on whether this method will work..

These are my robust rules of credit card spending. Discipline is the absolute key here.

I also discussed earning more. This is a work in progress to which I will report back periodically.

Fail

Whilst on the topic of earning more, one of my strategies was to accept all available overtime that work offered me. Unfortunately, I dropped the ball a little on this one and have missed out on the initial offerings, due to not checking my work emails whilst off for the holidays. I suspect this may turn out to be a blessing.

Opportunities still exist, but I shall have to be more eagle-eyed.

Lessons from the best

I research everything, and I do mean everything. For the last 18 months or so I have been looking into ways at generating more income.

As I said in part 1, I’m a believer in sensible spending, rather than going without. I will explain more in a separate piece about extra income as one size doesn’t fit all and there are a lot of traps and get rich quick schemes out there.

Now, reading the section head and the paragraph below you may be mistaken into thinking that I think of myself as the best. I don’t. Not by a long shot.

I have committed many crimes to personal wealth and prosperity and am now in the process of cleaning it all up. I have great faith in myself but as with learning any skill, it’s harder if you try to do it alone.

Here is what I’ve been reading to help me with this:

Forbes guide to budgeting – home of the 50,30,20 rule. They also have some nifty budgeting freebies and how to earn extra income.
Ramit Sethi’s I will teach you to be rich programme. Lots of great advice from a self-made success story. Automating Your Personal Finance is one of his teams free titles and is full of great advice.

As always, if you’re in serious debt, as in the kind that keeps you awake at night or worse, please, please seek help. Suffering in silence is never the answer.

If like me you have stubborn debt, then give these two links a look and let me know what you think.

So that’s it for part 2 and indeed 2017!

I’m about to settle in for the evening to enjoy what television has to offer and go smiling into 2018. There’s so much to look forwards to because that’s the way I’ve planned it!

Thank you for your support and have a Happy New Year!

BSD

December 2017

Card 1 = 94.97% utilisation

Card 2 = 99.78% utilisation

December 28, 2017

Not quite there yet.

Has everyone had a nice Christmas?

I have, and so have the cubs. It was so far removed from what I endured last Year that it’s incomparable.

In those 365 days I’ve learnt so much about myself and the people that come into my life and more importantly, those who remain.

The cubs have had a brilliant time and have been showered with love (and presents). So much so in fact that I have decided to donate some to a local children’s hospice. I want to give back and the only reason I’ve written about it here is to maybe trigger thoughts in others as to how we can give back or help those less fortunate.

This isn’t my review of 2017, in fact I’m not going to do one; I’m not that interesting.

I will be doing one more post and that will be regarding the second part of the race to zero.

Resolutions

To read more of your blogs. I love doing so as it gives me inspiration, advice and makes me chuckle.

They also serve to remind me that I’m not the only one pushing forwards and trying to make sense of this all.

Keep on keeping on folks xx

PS.

Like a glutton for punishment I had both of them in my bed last night as they’ll now be with Mum for a week or so.

Both of them expanded like magic bath toys, moaned every hour on the hour, leaked a nappy onto me and said bed and I’m so sleep deprived I feel I may expire but, I couldn’t be happier.

BSD

December 23, 2017

Could it get any more Christmasy??

Firstly; Christmassy isn’t a word. Either with one or two s’s.

But I had to share this scene with you.

First mistake

Letting the cubs bed down with me; I should know better. I do know better. I even had a warning from the ex, when I told her that that was my plan this evening.

It didn’t matter. I hadn’t seen them for a while and wanted them near me, so after bath-time, they both clambered into my bed.

Cue singing. By him, at the top of his voice; much to her annoyance.

One threat of ‘You’ll go back to your own bed..’ seemed to do the trick.

Second mistake

When I eventually turned in was not putting them into their own beds as they slept soundly. I tiptoed around my bedroom as I prepared for bed, trying not to disturb the status quo.

I use the light from the bathroom to gauge their positions in the bed, noting which side has the most room and where I have some chance of getting some sleep. Ablutions completed, I get in.

Third mistake

Getting into bed.

I’m a big unit; about 6’5 and about 110 kgs but, I moved with precision of a cat, stalking it’s prey. The duvet moved as skillfully as if performing surgery. Every muscle straining to smooth the whole movement into one, seamless motion. I lay back.

Onto a tiny arm.

Well, I might as well have entered the room with a small orchestra getting their ear in, whilst 10 waiters carried 10 trays of glasses in a 7.2 earthquake. He squealed and started to cry which woke her with a start. Yay me.

Fourth mistake

Not seizing this opportunity to put them into their own beds.

Instead, after the kisses and cuddles, we tried to make it work. All was still.

A tiny arm flopped over my face. Then a chubby foot settled itself in my armpit. Then my daughter protested of a foot in her back. The boy is flexible; I’ll give him that.

He turns.

‘Stop breathing on my back! it’s dangerous!’

I’m too tired to challenge this theory, or make enquiries into its origins.

He’s clearly now heating up so he pulls his knees up to his chest and extends his feet downwards, clearing himself from the duvet. And us in the process. She was having none of it.

The row that follows sees him sitting up and asking for his water, which is on the bedside table nearest her. She passes him his bottle; he erupts into tears.

‘I WANTED TO GET IT!!’

She fires back at him with increasing volume to match, then puts the bottle back down, making him cry even more.

Please just give him his water bottle.

Now she starts to cry. ‘I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!’

Christ.

Now would’ve been another of those good opportunities to put them into their own beds. I didn’t take it. More cuddles and a sort of peace descends. We settle.

Moments later, my neighbour starts drilling; or sawing up a small oak tree; or starts his motorbike (that he doesn’t have) or cranks up their helicopter.

How can a 3 year old snore so loudly!!? he’s only just fallen asleep! and he’s only 3!! Did I mention that he’s only 3??

I gently, turn him to face his sister. ‘Daddy; I know what you’re doing’ she states quite correctly. She’s right, but I thought she was asleep.

I promise his breath isn’t fatal darling; you’ll be fine.

Winter Solstice

The problem with the day following the shortest day in the northern hemisphere is that it gets dark early and stays dark early. You can imagine my joy at hearing my 06:00 alarm going off the moment I had settled the cubs to some sort of sleep.

That was a terrible version of a good night. Sleep deprivation is a terrible weapon.

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. Pray for me.

BSD

December 21, 2017

Really short (short) one.

She used to do the wrapping.

I suck at wrapping.

I’ll tell the cubs that Santa was in a hurry.

BSD

December 16, 2017

Time to reflect.

It’s that time of year again where I like to take stock of the last 12 months. It’s a thing I do that allows me to press on into the oncoming new year with vigour and determination.

I try to weigh up the good and the bad in an attempt to learn the lessons that I was supposed to.

Sometimes I’m a slow learner.

The cub’s mum

We had more downs than ups. It’s still new and the wounds are still open I guess. This morning we managed to have a row after I asked how she was; the accusation? I phrased the question incorrectly.

I backed off. Part of my philosophy; it takes two to have an argument and I’m not playing.

The lesson

This was one of a few flash points that we collectively experienced over the last year. So how do I avoid them in future, and why should I?

The easy answer is the stress that arguing brings. I just realised that my teeth were clenched whilst typing!

Some disagreement is inevitable, but it’s the handling of such that is all important; the reasons to avoid it are pretty obvious:

Poor health
Poor relationships
Unhappy cubs

The last one is crucially important.

I’ve spoken before about the fact that I will never speak ill of her in front of the cubs. It’s not fair; they only have one mum and they deserve to hold her in high esteem. I will do nothing to change that image.

This is where the teachings of the ‘7 Habits’ come in; seek to understand, before being understood.

In future, I’ll choose my words more carefully; consider my tone and watch my timing. Communication, not confrontation.

Failing that I’ll ignore her until the end of time, plus 15 minutes.

My home

I’ve mentioned already that I’m not overly happy where I am at the moment; it’s too far out for where I need to be, most of the time.

The lesson

Stop moaning! It’s warm, it’s dry, there’s food in the fridge. Some folk have none of those.

I’m sure that I will move in the not too distant future but for now, this is one blessing that I am counting.

Relationships

I’m single. I have been for a while now; the longest while in over two decades. For once, it actually feels ok.

The lesson

Historically, I used to bounce from relationship to relationship, without a break, without ever reflecting on why the last one didn’t work. Sometimes, perhaps inevitably, I’d go on to make the same mistakes again, and again.

I had to stop and ask myself why this was.

What was I compensating for?
what was I afraid of?
what was lacking in myself that I sought from a companion and could that ever be the successful driver of any relationship?

I know that I need to be the complete article before I can share that place in my heart.

I believe in the Law of Attraction; thoughts become things etc.

I also believe that the Universe will keep giving us the same lesson, until we learn it. I’m just thankful that the Universe is very patient.

I’m getting nearer to those answers by spending time with myself, discovering who I am, after all this time.

In the meantime, the most important relationship is the one I’m proudest of; the one with my cubs. They give the most amazing cuddles.

I’m sure that when the time is right, she’ll find me, or we’ll find each other. Then I’ll have to change my pen name.

Finances

Tough! as they no doubt are for us all. Everything seems to be going up apart from our wages.

The lesson

Take control and keep control.

If you’ve read my last post on clearing my debt, you’ll know that I plan to smash this one in 2018.

My ultimate goal is to have 3 income streams. Something recommended by the successful out there. I’ll give you more on that one in 2018.

Health

I know the benefits of exercise, especially in the world we live in today. You absolutely have to do it. I use it to defuse stress too. See my first point, above.

The lesson

Schedule my workouts!

I schedule everything else important, so why should this be any different?

I’m fit; I’m healthy and I’m thankful; truly, truly thankful.

More of the same next year and maybe something to aim for..?

So that’s about it for now. The planning is the next phase and the important thing is to set my goals early and write them down.

Commitment is everything!

So that’s it for now. Looking back, I’m pretty sure I know what I need to what I need to stop, what I need to start and what I need to keep doing in 2018.

Bring it on!

BSD

December 11, 2017December 10, 2017

Instant regret.

In this, the Christmas month, I decided that I’d hold off on decorating my house until the cubs were here and could join in.

I decided to start a tradition, based on memories from my childhood; we were going to walk to the shops to get the tree and other decorations.

I’ve recently become concerned about their health and fitness, so this seemed like the perfect solution; it was about a 2 mile round trip.

Current weather

Winter has come to Blighty. It is bitterly cold and there has been intermittent snow but I’m a great believer in there being no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. I told them to get dressed for the walk.

As if by magic, my daughter turned up in the flimsiest of cagoules.

Darling, you’ll need your thick coat. And your hat. And your gloves.

She disagrees.

He duly puts his boots on, then his thick, down jacket and gloves before I have to take it all of him again as he’d done a poo.

She’s adamant that this tiny coat will be enough, ‘as she likes the cold anyway’; I tell her to look up ‘hypothermia’, whilst I get her brother dressed.

Finally attired how I would like them to be, we head out.

Cold!

Although it wasn’t obvious at first.

The vista was lovely. Some snow remained and frost had crept in. It was truly a winter wonderland.

What I hadn’t factored in to this new tradition, was just how slow my son walked. Or how interested in nature he was.

The route was tree lined and almost every fallen leaf clearly needed inspecting.

Every sycamore seed needed testing for airworthiness.

The whole expedition was brought to a halt by two squirrels fighting in a tree. Well, they weren’t fighting, but that’s the story the cubs got. What is it with animals we come across?

Onwards

After a while, my son’s attention turns to his own well-being.

“My neck isn’t feeling well”

A quick once over and he seems fine; we push on. His sister is less talkative. I ask if she’s ok.

She turns to face me, her nose a fetching shade of red.

“I’m glad you made me wear this coat daddy. I think I have hypothermia”

You don’t. We’re nearly there.

“How are we getting the tree back? How are we getting back?”

We’re going to walk.

She thinks for a while.

“This is like a terrible version of a good day.”

I think I’ll rethink that tradition.

Ps – distance covered = 200 metres.

BSD

November 20, 2017

I’ve made you some cookies!

I’ve noticed that I go quiet when the cubs aren’t around. I am planning another finance post based around single parent issues, but that’s taking some time to come together.

In the meantime, get your head around this sweet horror story.

On the way home; again.

I hadn’t seen them for a few days as they were with their mum last weekend, so I was pretty excited to pick them both up.

Him first, and he was as excited as me. I like to have a catch up in the car, even though we had ‘face timed’ over the weekend.

He mumbled incoherently for a bit, before effervescently telling me that he wanted a pet, a spider-dog, and that it should be called Adam.

He waited for my response, which didn’t come (could you answer that one..?) then promptly fell asleep. He’d clearly put a shift in at nursery.

Befuddled, I went to get her.

More great cuddles and she has news. She always has news.

“DAD! I’ve baked you some cookies!”

Oh that’s lovely darling; thank you.

“You’re welcome! I made them on Saturday!”

I picked one out of the bag and ate it, ignoring the funny colouring.

“It did have icing on it…”

Oh? I said, hoping it had fallen off at some point over the past two days…

“I find the icing irresistible! it’s just so tasty!”

Oh no

“So I licked it all off whilst they were still warm”

BSD