motivation – Page 4 – broke-single-dad

December 16, 2017

Time to reflect.

It’s that time of year again where I like to take stock of the last 12 months. It’s a thing I do that allows me to press on into the oncoming new year with vigour and determination.

I try to weigh up the good and the bad in an attempt to learn the lessons that I was supposed to.

Sometimes I’m a slow learner.

The cub’s mum

We had more downs than ups. It’s still new and the wounds are still open I guess. This morning we managed to have a row after I asked how she was; the accusation? I phrased the question incorrectly.

I backed off. Part of my philosophy; it takes two to have an argument and I’m not playing.

The lesson

This was one of a few flash points that we collectively experienced over the last year. So how do I avoid them in future, and why should I?

The easy answer is the stress that arguing brings. I just realised that my teeth were clenched whilst typing!

Some disagreement is inevitable, but it’s the handling of such that is all important; the reasons to avoid it are pretty obvious:

Poor health
Poor relationships
Unhappy cubs

The last one is crucially important.

I’ve spoken before about the fact that I will never speak ill of her in front of the cubs. It’s not fair; they only have one mum and they deserve to hold her in high esteem. I will do nothing to change that image.

This is where the teachings of the ‘7 Habits’ come in; seek to understand, before being understood.

In future, I’ll choose my words more carefully; consider my tone and watch my timing. Communication, not confrontation.

Failing that I’ll ignore her until the end of time, plus 15 minutes.

My home

I’ve mentioned already that I’m not overly happy where I am at the moment; it’s too far out for where I need to be, most of the time.

The lesson

Stop moaning! It’s warm, it’s dry, there’s food in the fridge. Some folk have none of those.

I’m sure that I will move in the not too distant future but for now, this is one blessing that I am counting.

Relationships

I’m single. I have been for a while now; the longest while in over two decades. For once, it actually feels ok.

The lesson

Historically, I used to bounce from relationship to relationship, without a break, without ever reflecting on why the last one didn’t work. Sometimes, perhaps inevitably, I’d go on to make the same mistakes again, and again.

I had to stop and ask myself why this was.

What was I compensating for?
what was I afraid of?
what was lacking in myself that I sought from a companion and could that ever be the successful driver of any relationship?

I know that I need to be the complete article before I can share that place in my heart.

I believe in the Law of Attraction; thoughts become things etc.

I also believe that the Universe will keep giving us the same lesson, until we learn it. I’m just thankful that the Universe is very patient.

I’m getting nearer to those answers by spending time with myself, discovering who I am, after all this time.

In the meantime, the most important relationship is the one I’m proudest of; the one with my cubs. They give the most amazing cuddles.

I’m sure that when the time is right, she’ll find me, or we’ll find each other. Then I’ll have to change my pen name.

Finances

Tough! as they no doubt are for us all. Everything seems to be going up apart from our wages.

The lesson

Take control and keep control.

If you’ve read my last post on clearing my debt, you’ll know that I plan to smash this one in 2018.

My ultimate goal is to have 3 income streams. Something recommended by the successful out there. I’ll give you more on that one in 2018.

Health

I know the benefits of exercise, especially in the world we live in today. You absolutely have to do it. I use it to defuse stress too. See my first point, above.

The lesson

Schedule my workouts!

I schedule everything else important, so why should this be any different?

I’m fit; I’m healthy and I’m thankful; truly, truly thankful.

More of the same next year and maybe something to aim for..?

So that’s about it for now. The planning is the next phase and the important thing is to set my goals early and write them down.

Commitment is everything!

So that’s it for now. Looking back, I’m pretty sure I know what I need to what I need to stop, what I need to start and what I need to keep doing in 2018.

Bring it on!

BSD

December 11, 2017December 10, 2017

Instant regret.

In this, the Christmas month, I decided that I’d hold off on decorating my house until the cubs were here and could join in.

I decided to start a tradition, based on memories from my childhood; we were going to walk to the shops to get the tree and other decorations.

I’ve recently become concerned about their health and fitness, so this seemed like the perfect solution; it was about a 2 mile round trip.

Current weather

Winter has come to Blighty. It is bitterly cold and there has been intermittent snow but I’m a great believer in there being no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. I told them to get dressed for the walk.

As if by magic, my daughter turned up in the flimsiest of cagoules.

Darling, you’ll need your thick coat. And your hat. And your gloves.

She disagrees.

He duly puts his boots on, then his thick, down jacket and gloves before I have to take it all of him again as he’d done a poo.

She’s adamant that this tiny coat will be enough, ‘as she likes the cold anyway’; I tell her to look up ‘hypothermia’, whilst I get her brother dressed.

Finally attired how I would like them to be, we head out.

Cold!

Although it wasn’t obvious at first.

The vista was lovely. Some snow remained and frost had crept in. It was truly a winter wonderland.

What I hadn’t factored in to this new tradition, was just how slow my son walked. Or how interested in nature he was.

The route was tree lined and almost every fallen leaf clearly needed inspecting.

Every sycamore seed needed testing for airworthiness.

The whole expedition was brought to a halt by two squirrels fighting in a tree. Well, they weren’t fighting, but that’s the story the cubs got. What is it with animals we come across?

Onwards

After a while, my son’s attention turns to his own well-being.

“My neck isn’t feeling well”

A quick once over and he seems fine; we push on. His sister is less talkative. I ask if she’s ok.

She turns to face me, her nose a fetching shade of red.

“I’m glad you made me wear this coat daddy. I think I have hypothermia”

You don’t. We’re nearly there.

“How are we getting the tree back? How are we getting back?”

We’re going to walk.

She thinks for a while.

“This is like a terrible version of a good day.”

I think I’ll rethink that tradition.

Ps – distance covered = 200 metres.

BSD

December 1, 2017September 20, 2018

The race to zero pt.1

About this time of year I undertake a review of my personal finances.

The reason I do this is two-fold;

I want to make sure that I’m in some sort of decent shape for Christmas and
I use this time to set financial goals for next year.

I go through everything, checking that I am on the best deals or using things in the best way; from energy bills to how I do the food shop, nothing goes unchecked.

This December, I’ve decided to take decisive action on my credit card debt and eradicate it over the next year.

My debt isn’t particularly high, but I’m in that daft cycle of paying just above the minimum each month, so effectively only paying the interest on a month by month basis.

This is great for them, not so great for me.

My target is to be down to 1/3 of the available balance on both of my cards by the 2018 review, with the real kicker being that I actually want to zero both cards by the summer, then use them as they should be used.

At the moment, I’m taking calculated risks with my credit cards. My balances are quite high on both but I’m hedging this against my ability to earn more money next year.

I’m not a spend less person but I am a spend wisely person, and that makes all the difference.

I’m also an earn more person and that is the key to this working.

What I intend to do differently over the coming year, is to journal my thoughts, actions and balances (in percentages) in order to either help and inspire others, or to reflect on good and bad practice. I’ll do this once a month.

I have a 3 point strategy

As usual, discipline (and delayed gratification) is the key.

Pay off as much as possible month-by-month, by *snowballing;
Reduce utilisation, as an extension of solid budgeting;
Increase utilisation, through regular payments.

In order for this to be a success, I have to understand my credit cards. The following is what I already know:

Which has the highest interest rate;
Which is more punitive on spending;
Which has the most perks or greater incentive for correct use.

I’ve mentioned correct use a couple of times. With cards, the idea is to keep your balance low then pay it off monthly. Sometimes easier said than done.

My issue came in that transition from two incomes to one; things needed to be bought and paid for. Items that shouldn’t be purchased on a card (when your utilisation of credit is quite high) started to creep on there regularly, rather than once in a blue moon.

As a consequence, I know have a robust set of rules around the use of credit. I’ll place these in the December update.

November 2017

Card 1 = 99.95% utilisation.

Card 2 = 97.22% utilisation.

Time to get to work.

*snowballing – weighting your outgoings to pay off the debt with the highest interest first.

BSD

November 24, 2017November 23, 2017

Holidays are coming…

And I’m talking finances.

For some reason, one of the obvious factors of becoming a single income household, the halving of the number of earners putting in to the family coffers, had not registered on my radar of anything, until that dip in income started to bite.

There is no pressure like financial pressure as it can feel like an ever descending spiral. This can lead to worry and depression which can itself lead to mood swings or some other harmful coping mechanism.

So the lead picture is Santa squaring up for a fight – you get the analogy; Christmas is coming and that can present a real financial squeeze, if you’re not prepared.

Speaking from experience, I’ve done the splurge for the festive season thing. It’s short term gain for long term pain. Historically, I would do this weird thing where I would pay most of my bills, before spending what I wanted to spend. This eventually led to problems, as you can imagine. When bills aren’t paid, companies (rightly) grow concerned and want what is owed them.

Then the letters start

Dealing with them is easier said than done and they are extremely easy to ignore. However, problems rarely go away if ignored so if you find yourself in this uncomfortable situation, give your creditors a call and explain your situation. It’s in all of your best interests to come to a solution.

This post isn’t about that; it’s about this

I want to talk to you about projecting forwards, as prevention is better than cure. I enlisted the help of a dear friend of mine, Zane Groves, an entrepreneur who happens to be a bit of a financial whizz. Good job really as he’s a financial advisor.

He owned his own mortgage consultancy at age 26 but more impressively, manage to grow his business when large institutions were folding as the world experienced the deepest recession in living memory.

He’s a planner and he’s come up with a short and sharp, 6 point plan for a financially fit future. Over to him.

1) What are your goals.

This may seem very obvious but have a plan. This can be from saving for a holiday to a deposit for your first home. Once you know what your goal is, plan how you’re going to get there and the sooner the better!

2) Make saving a habit.

We often say “I can’t afford to save” or I’ve only got £50 to save, what difference will that make. We let me tell you, you’ve been saving for that rainy day for 2 years and the boiler breaks, guess what you’ve got the money so you can pay for it immediately and not get into debt with your flexible friend. If you’re lucky enough not to need it then great!

3) Work pensions.

Pay! your employer does (UK law) and the younger you start the better. The average pension pot at retirement currently stands at £50,000 which isn’t going to go far. If you want a comfortable retirement save as much as you can afford. The same if you’re self-employed.

4) Protect your income.

In most cases spending 1% of your annual salary will protect the other 99%. Don’t rely on the state, incapacity benefit is currently around £88 per week, try living on that one.

5) Reduce your debt.

Where ever possible try and pay down your unsecured debt and focus on the higher interest rate charging vehicles.

6) Invest in yourself.

If finance really isn’t your bag, employ someone who’s it is. You wouldn’t after all get a baker to look after your car so find a suitably qualified financial advisor and let them work with you.

He doesn’t mince his words. As a thank you to him I’ve included a link to his website througout the post.

I want to quickly dig a little deeper on some of his points, which if you look at them again, have one key personal factor involved; self-discipline.

The success depends on your ability to delay your gratification; want it now will lead you back down the rabbit hole.

Finally

My plan for Christmas this year is to splurge, in a controlled manner of course. I’m in a position where I can guarantee overtime for most of 2018. My plan is to put in some extra hours and ‘snowball’ my most expensive debt away. It’ll be tough, but it’s the trade off for running up the cards over 2017.

Please remember this; over the festive period your children ultimately want your time.

Looking back to my childhood, I can’t remember if I ever got that train set, or the Evil Kenevil Rocket Edition, but I can remember being loved, warm and safe.

I can remember spending time decorating the tree and I can remember falling asleep on the sofa, full of food and watching Christmas films. Relax and be happy!

BSD

If you are struggling with debt, please seek help; there are some great free resources available online.

If you’re in the market for financial products as well as good advice, please check out Mr Zane Grove’s website

November 14, 2017

On the drive home; and there’s been a case of Head Licence.

“Dad; there’s been a case of head licence at school”

Eh? a case of what?

“Head licence”

I think you mean head lice dear. A licence is…well, it doesn’t matter now.

“One of the boys has them. He was working at his desk and one jumped out onto his book”

Are you sure darling? that’s quite unusual. Did you see it happen?

“No, but one of my friends did and she’s been a good source of information in the past”

I think you listen to daddy talk too closely. Anyway, head lice are quite common and pretty easy to pass from person to person. They only like clean hair.

“I should probably stop washing mine then”

“I think the cold kills them so we should be ok now.”

That’s good to know

“I’m not sure how they feel about spring though”

Who??

“The head licence; the cold kills them. It’s pretty cold in Spring still isn’t it?”

Lice. Cold? Who told you that anyway? Was this your friend again?

“No; this was a teacher.”

Well….?!!?…..Ok.

Armistice

“Dad; they’ve taken down all those poppies that we saw on the lamppost yesterday”

They were up for Remembrance Sunday / Armistice day where we pay tribute to those who lost their lives during conflicts and wars.

“How many people died?”

Quite a …..

“And before you say ‘a lot’ can you give me a number please. I need that level of detail”

Jesus.

Well i’m not sure but it was in the 10’s of millions. You’d think that with all that loss of life, humanity would lear……

“PADDINGTON IS ON AT THE CINEMA!!”

I guess she is only 7.

Good habits

“Dad”

Yes darling?

“I really don’t like coming home in the dark; can you work a bit less?”

I’d love to, but life is a balancing act at the moment. No work no pay.

“There isn’t a lot of time to do anything by the time we get home”

You could do your homework? there’s always time for that.

“………………………………………..why would you even say that…?”

“Dad”

(Christ) Yes?

“Have you had grapes with cheese before? they’re fantastic! you really should try it!”

Yeah I do darling; quite often.

“Oh ok. Do you like them”

Yes. Adults will often have them with a glass of red wine.

“Really?”

Yes

“So can I have some in my packed lunch tomorrow?”

What; cheese and grapes?

“Yes”

Yes of course

“And you’d better put the wine in my water bottle or the teachers might want some”

This conversation was approximately 5 minutes of a 45 minute journey.

BSD

October 24, 2017

Half term

‘Calamity Jane has anger issues’

According to my eldest cub.

‘She nearly shot someone in the cheek!’

I couldn’t disagree.

It had always been a favourite film of mine having had it forced upon me as a child by my parents. As such, when she came home singing about The Deadwood Stage, I gladly joined in.

She was surprised and happy, so all three of us had a singsong comprising of the words that we could remember.

We were even more surprised to find that in packing their bag for the week, their mum had included a DVD of the movie, still in the wrapper. On it went.

It had been a pretty uneventful day thus far and I was feeling sluggish as a result of an 05:45 start courtesy of my youngest.

During the week of half term, I had planned to alternate a day at home and a day out somewhere just to keep things balanced. A mix up earlier this month by the authorities had left me with bingo cash for the remainder of the month. I’d known things were going to be tight so I’d planned some cheap and cheerful activities to fill out time.

First things first, we indulged in a bit of housekeeping. During home day yesterday, the youngest cub decided to investigate and distribute a pack of loom bands around his sister’s room.

I don’t recall how much I paid for the pack of loom bands, but there seem to be roughly 4.5 million on the floor so I guess I got good value for money.

Luckily, she had the great idea of using the vacuum cleaner, once the cylinder was emptied so it actually became a non-issue.

Out of all the plans I’d had in my head today, we opted for the park in our old village. It’s a firm favourite and never disappoints.

The eldest clambered aboard her favourite apparatus; the death slide. The youngest watched as she whizzed past, whooping with joy.

He wanted some of the action.

They decided to both get on.

Initially, they asked me for help; but as I’m keen for them to develop independence, I told them to figure it out. I find that the rewards that come with hard work are so much sweeter and I hope to evolve that in them too.

Success

Both on, they had their first slide. Judging by the screams, it was everything they’d hoped for.

They sprinted back to the launch for round two. Their arrangement looked a little precarious but not wanting to be a helicopter parent, I stood back. The ground was covered in lovely, soft wood chips and pine so they wouldn’t come to harm even if they did have a spill.

Then, as with most human endeavour, confidence outweighed competence. Hands were coming off the slide in motion to wave in joy.

As they hit the stop, the halted motion whilst dampened, was enough to eject both passengers inverted.

She landed across her shoulders and neck; he, on top of her, landing on his face. Cue tears.

And mild concussion.

They’re fine.

I do not own the image above.

BSD

October 17, 2017

Not in the mood…

I picked my youngest cub up from nursery and asked the usual question; how was your day?

The gentle snores told me he wasn’t in the mood for talking.

BSD

October 16, 2017October 15, 2017

Gingerbread men; all over again.

With the memory of our last escapade behind her, my daughter and I have ventured into the kitchen again. She’s been asking since Thursday if we can bake together; a request I couldn’t refuse. We opted for gingerbread men.

It was gorgeous today. The colloquial term is an Indian Summer, meaning that we had unseasonably warm temperatures so I took us all off to the play-park where we used to live.

It elicits mixed emotions but good ones on the whole. The village itself is bucolic perfection and the play-park is in keeping. It was full of young families who had a similar thought process to me.

On the way home we stopped off at the supermarket to pick up a few items for the bake. Then back to the corner shop for some that I’d forgotten. I really should make lists again.

Back home, the Kindle HD was fired up and ‘Gingerbread’ tapped into the search engine. Good old BBC Food came up first, so they got the honour.

My son was happy on a chair in the kitchen watching the proceedings, no doubt eagerly awaiting the end result.

Regulars (I have regulars!) will remember me saying that I needed to buy some extra bits in order to bake successfully a while back. Well I still need to buy them.

There was more than a little ‘At mum’s house we have that…’ which I duly ignored. Golden Syrup was subbed with honey and the imaginary scales that I was certain I had failed to materialise, so much was done by sight.

At this point, I realised that things weren’t going well but we pressed on…

I quickly learnt that flour doesn’t stick to a pint glass and a pint glass is a poor substitute for a rolling pin. No matter; onwards.

The cookie cutters became moulds, as this hateful mess refused to go anywhere I wanted in it’s entirety. The cubs were pretty happy though as they got the job of cleaning the utensils and mixing bowl.

In the oven they went.

Out the oven they came.

Yes. I even added some chocolate chunks for buttons and eyes, or a groin and shin judging by the previous photo. Now was the hard bit; sit and wait for 10 minutes before decorating…

Before we go any further, I realise that the cutters are cutters and not moulds but the viscosity of the mixture was such that I was on to a loser. Into the oven they went.

With the cubs waiting with baited breath, I made my move to seperate man from mould.

They crumbled and so did she. Cue tears.

15 minutes later I had managed to rouse a do-or-die spirit within her and back she came to decorate. Her brother and her sharing the stool and eating more than they decorated but hey; that’s the point isn’t it.

I really need to go shopping.

BSD

October 7, 2017

When you’re going through hell…

Keep going.

Winston Churchill

This time last week

Last week I let you in on the peripheries of some tough times I was facing. I purposely didn’t go into detail but there was enough vague information to give you the general idea. I was under it.

At times like that it’s hard to imagine a way out. It’s hard to imagine things will ever be good again and it’s hard to see positives.

Somehow, I managed to keep my head. I made a conscious effort not to succumb to any ‘all is lost‘ feelings but rather to believe that things will work out for the best. I quite literally, relaxed and essentially did nothing. It was the hardest thing I [haven’t] done in my life.

How

I did other things. I forced myself to feel positive; I prayed a little more, specifically for an answer, although at the time I didn’t know what that answer was. I asked the Universe for an answer again, not knowing what that answer was. I wonder how many of you I just lost…

I also sang this quite a bit..

There will be an answer;let it be.

This time this week

All has changed.

Actually, they had changed by the middle of the week. Out of the blue and with no prompting from me, I received an official letter that changed everything. It proved to be the catalyst that kicked off a chain of events that will change everything.

It also increased my positivity and my positive outlook, which again gained momentum to help me see more ways to tackle my issues.

It’s the best feeling in the world.

And the moral of the story

Whatever you’re going through, have faith that you will come out the other end.

It doesn’t have to take belief in God or the Universe; just belief in yourself to find a way through your struggles.

Your answer will come.

Ps. Life will always throw poo at you; you just have to either dodge it or catch it and throw it back!

As we speak i’m writing this on my older, back-up laptop, as my (old) primary laptop is having an identity crisis, taking all my passwords and other stuff with it. I’ve asked the Universe for a new one..

BSD

October 2, 2017October 1, 2017

Shifting paradigms

Apology

If you know what a paradigm is; it’s a great word and I like using it. It’s appropriate today. This weekend has been pretty tough and I’m chalking it down to a co-parenting fail.

We seem to be in a push/pull groundhog day where I feel that I’m losing out. Official decisions, external influences etc. have log jammed into a head fug that gives the feeling of skiing uphill.

Settled situations appear on a horizon that can’t be reached but yet, I’m still optimistic.

I still, have so much to be grateful for:

The cubs – love eternal
A roof over my head – warm; dry; safe
Food in my cupboards – work in progress…
The ability to earn more – thanks to my health and determination.

Reality

I don’t care who you are; we are all fighting an unseen battle. There are so many cliches out there such as ‘Walk a mile…’ ‘The night is darkest before the dawn…’ ‘Every winter has it’s spring..’ (I actually quite like winter) and they all ring true.

Change your mind and change your situation. Another cliche and I recognise that this doesn’t work if you are clinically depressed; that’s a special situation that can benefit from professional intervention but for anyone else, shift your paradigm.

How

Get a good night’s sleep – no problem was ever solved by worrying
Eat well – fuel yourself for what you face; ditch the junk
Exercise – if you have your health you have everything
Break it down – your issues; biggest and most important first. If they’re stacked up it will seem like you’re in the foothills of Mt Everest. If you’re not sure which is the biggest issue, figure which one will cause the most harm if you don’t tackle it
Create milestones – and celebrate small victories
Give yourself a break – no-one can keep going all the time
Win/win or no deal – back to the 7 Habits; there doesn’t have to be a loser

Whatever you do and whatever you’re going through: DO NOT GIVE UP.

“Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” – Bruce Lee

BSD