“Daddy; would you prefer a dog or an Osprey?”
………?
BSD
Meanwhile, at dinner..
All prayers answered?
A lesson in delayed gratification
One thing I wish my parents had spent more time on with me was money management and economics. Things may well be different now. Don’t get me wrong and, as I have explained before, I’m not destitute, just careful, having had my fingers burnt.
I don’t want either of mine to struggle in adulthood (what parent does?) so I see it as a priority to prepare them for the fiscal demands of the world.
At the end of these school holidays, we’ve had an action packed week that has left us all tired. We’ve also depleted most of the essential groceries and she has asked for some modelling clay, so off to the shops we go. While we’re in there she spots a must have toy cat, that now has her attention. She asks for it, but it’s slightly more expensive than the clay I’ve found.
Hearing the answer no, she breaks down.
We finish the shop with her in tears and I miss most of what I came for, as I’m tired.
In the car, I tell her that if she cleans her room, and helps her brother clean his, I will give her some pocket-money.
Back at the den, she sets about the task. I’m doing the weekly clean too and they’re pretty used to the routine.
As I pop outside to the bin, I almost step on a tightly folded piece of paper, secured with a bright orange loom band. I take inside and unravel it. It’s a handwritten note;
“Dear God; would you please can you get me the toy cat. Signed ———- Amen”
As a relaxed Christian, I’m touched by this and put the note in a safe place for prosperity and to protect her innocence. As I go back upstairs, she runs into my room.
“Daddy, daddy! while cleaning my room I found exactly £3! it’s enough to buy the cat!”
That’s fantastic darling! It’s like your prayers have been answered!
She stares at me..
“How did you….never mind”
This got me thinking. However it had happened, her prayers had been answered. This is now an interesting premise. I’d made her a deal in which she would trade her labour for financial reward – that’ll sound familiar to us all.
I’d also resisted the temptation to just buy it for her, especially when she broke down in tears, but in my eyes that would be wholly wrong. Ok; she’s only 7, but when is a good time to learn about delayed gratification?
The lessons she learns now will stick with her for life. Effort and reward; what drives us to push ourselves to achieve our goals in life. If it’s handed to us, we’ll eventually come to expect it. Hello dependency.
I reassure myself that this act is neither small nor petty. By the time she recognises the value of the lesson, it’ll be second nature.
As it transpired, the cat was £5, so our second trip to the shop also ended in tears. Luckily, the clean-up offer still stands.
Looks like the Lord doesn’t believe in a free lunch either.
BSD
Can you dig it? yes you can!
Day two of half term, and I’ve got this covered.
Proper planning has led me to have most of this holiday covered. As I’ve stated before (probably to myself to be fair) proper planning prevents poor performance. Anyway, last week I found out that our local museum was hosting a fossil event, where for a small fee participants could engage in some palaeontology.
Right up my daughter’s street and my son is happy to play along too.
Being a proper planner, I allow an hour for us to get there. It’s a 5 minute drive so we’re stupidly early; oh well.
A quick wander around in the bleak mid-winter to find a cash-point sees us pretty happy to be back indoors and wandering around the museum. 30 minutes to go. You enter the museum through the gift shop; nice one folks; I see what you did there.
As we queue, my youngest slowly rotates, next to a display of plates and glass ornaments. I put a stop to that.
There’s a guy upstairs sitting behind a table of fossils so we stop for a chat.
He’s fascinating and has a real enthusiasm for what he’s doing. She’s enthralled. He eyes the gentleman up suspiciously, as only my boy cub can, and keeps his distance.
We’re reliably informed that there are more goodies downstairs, so we head for adventure, headlong into a cafe.
Nice going museum; I see what you did there. The fatal attraction of a fridge full of cakes draws them both in and they turn to look at me.
What came over me?
Not sure what I was thinking, I let them choose whatever they want. She goes for a modest slice of cheesecake whilst he opts for a slice of chocolate cake. Not like the one above; oh no. there was no strawberry on his choice. Instead, the chocolate cake he chose was bedecked with sugar-coated sweets; the kind I bought for a penny in my childhood. It was almost as if the creator wasn’t satisfied with the sugar content of the plain chocolate cake, then decided to push the tooth rotting factor up to 11.
I bought it anyway as we had 20 minutes to kill.
I decided to share the cake with him, convinced that he would struggle with the volume and richness. I underestimated him. I think I had one or two forkfuls, but tired of the battle to wrestle it away from him after the second attempt.
To his credit, he managed to funnel about 90% into his head with 5% spread around his face. The other 5% appears later.
And we’re in!
I hadn’t imagined quite how popular the event would be. One minute we were alone, the next we were awash with parents and children. It was nice to see so many people out and about and the collective excitement level was contagious.
There were four stations for enquiring minds to visit; an expert, a mask making station, a microscope bench and a simulated dig. I thought the latter looked like two cat litter trays but I kept that to myself.
They were straight in; the added bonus being that they could keep one of the fossils that they found. Four fossils each later (in quite a short time) we discussed the lesson of sharing and leaving some for others whilst reburying their three least favourite.
Advancing to the bench of microscopes for a close up of some minerals we queued behind a three deep moving mass of buggies and bodies. This was very popular, but not with us. As she has three microscopes at home, we decided to show our fossils to the expert upstairs and create some masks.
Home run
He was busy. I really underestimated this. No matter; we went to the masks. One Triceratops (her) and a T-rex (him).
With crayon, felt-tip, marker pen and glue stick it took an absolute age for them to colour in their choices. For reasons known only to her, she decided to use the finest tipped pen to embolden her creation. He was a bit more pragmatic and broad-stroked a fisted crayon across his picture. Not surprisingly he was finished in no time. She slumped further in her chair when I told her that she would have to do the other side too.
Staples, glue, elastic and a healthy dose of imagination later and the cubs were transformed into whatever dinosaur young are called. Happy.
Unnoticed, we’ve spent two hours here. It’s been brilliant.
As we get up to leave, she notices a thick brown stain on the bum and leg of his beige trousers. She recoils and points all at once but before she can comment, I run my finger along the stain and then pop it in my mouth. I turn and tell her..
We have to go now; he’s done a poo.
I thought she was going to faint.
I do like chocolate cake.
BSD
When to step in…
It’s half-term here and the cubs are with me.
Whilst the wearing down of my energy levels begins, I’m eternally grateful that they’re here.
Once they’re fed, they’re playing boisterously with one another. Watching them, I reflect on the rough and tumble that I had with my sisters growing up; it was great fun.
I also think back to my risk tolerance, which was obviously a lot higher back then.
They fight, wrestle, kiss and cuddle but every move seems to bring their heads dangerously close to every corner in the room that I’d never noticed before.
I flinch a lot but I try not to step in. I’m a great believer in learning from experience, as long as that experience doesn’t involve surgery.
They’re fine.
They then decide that they need to be outside. I can’t agree more. It’s about 3C with ice still on the ground, but there’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.
Nah; I don’t believe that either. It’s horribly cold. I send them out anyway.
She’s off with the keys and heading for the garage; she wants her archery set. I’m not out there to supervise and wonder if I need to be. I trust her. The only rule is that there is no shooting if her brother is down range.
I guess we’re at the crossroads where I have to relinquish some of that responsibility to them, well, more to her as she is older and know that whatever will be will be.
Helicopter parenting can do more damage than a bump on the head.
Here are two occasions when I have stepped in; I was ironing in my room and they were in her room; the following sentences had me running:
“It’s time for the sacrifice!”
and
“We can either chop your head off, or half of your head off”
I think she’s been doing history at school.
BSD
Normal service
OK. I’ve calmed down. The last couple of posts were a mixture of anger and frustration, but I’m better than that.
In order to lighten the mood, I’ve amalgamated the 3 posts that have been sitting in draft.
Whole lotta 👅 going on
The usual Friday bedtime routine consists of me explaining to the cubs that they can’t sleep in my bed. Sometimes I mean it. This time I did.
They have a workaround. First thing on Saturday morning, they jump into bed with me and we have a cuddle and watch a movie. This time, I even let them consume a bag of popcorn in my bed.
Bad idea.
At a glance, I would say that their success rate for popcorn to mouth was roughly 50%. Give or take a 5% margin. Once the film finished I told them that I wanted all the uneaten bits cleaned up while I was in the shower.
Whilst brushing my teeth, I heard a commotion followed by silence. I resisted the urge to look.
When I did emerge, the bed was clean, the duvet turned down and they were nowhere to be seen. Nice work cubs.
That evening at bedtime, whilst reading Dig dig digging for the millionth time, I thanked them for tidying my bed.
“That’s ok dad; once we’d got the big bits we just licked the rest clean”
I sat silently, asking Jesus why he’d let something like that happen.
Getting my own back
Tonight’s routine was a little muted. They’re both under par so there was little resistance.
Tucking in the eldest, she remarked that she felt awful with the flu. Her temperature was elevated and she had a headache.
“Dad? How does flu spread?”
Well it’s a virus that is very clever once it gets in your system. It can hide, it can change, known as mutation and will act differently in different people.
“Yes but how does it get into your body?
This is where it gets really interesting; it’s so clever that it knows it prefers to be inside new people to survive so what it does is to make you cough and sneeze and it’s then carried in the thousands of water droplets that come out of us when we do. If you breathe those water droplets in the virus gets into you. It can also survive for 24 hours on hard surfaces like door handles. You’ll then come along and touch that door handle, then touch your face. The result is the same.
She silently takes it all in and begins to process it.
“So when we were in the car with you daddy, that’s when we got it?”
No. I kept licking your face while you slept.
“DADDY!!”
Sprint finish
” Dad; I think you need a new workout. I’ve made one for you”
Ok sounds good. What’ve you got?
“Well you start of with 25 star jumps..”
Ok; then?
“Then you move onto 25 press ups..”
Sounds good. Anything else?
“You should touch your toes 3 times..”
Sounds like a spell now but go on..
“Then finish with a small run; say 13 miles”
I’ll pass.
BSD
Unexpected revelation
I still have flu. It really sucks. This isn’t a moan-fest. It might just be a tender look into myself.
I think the biggest reason being ill and subsequently off work sucks so much is because it’s highlighted the emptiness of my nest.
I have the cubs from tomorrow and all over the weekend and I can’t wait. At the same time, I’m also willing myself to be better so I can make a decent job of looking after them. I’m aware this is wishful thinking. I’ve already silenced the man-flu-ers with a 6 pound weight loss in the last week.
I’m rambling.
The last week has been a GroundHoggy existence of sleeping and falling asleep, punctuated by scant eating.
Unseen elements
So this empty nest thing is the single parent conundrum. Do you get a place that is big enough for your family or something more compact and bijou?
I went for space. I have one of each and they’re getting to an age where they want their own space so it was a no brainer.
The flip side of having the bigger place is that as the non-main-caregiver (how 21st Century) is that for the majority of the time, you kick around it on your own.
I’ve noticed this more because I’m not at work.
The elephant
So the revelation is that the empty nest seems emptier
Hang on
I’ve literally just had a nap. I was rambling so I shut down for a bit. Hate this.
The elephant. cont.
Is that to be ill when one lives alone is, well, lonely.
I’ve spent a lot of time in bed lately just trying to shake things off and for the last week there’s been a pile of clean laundry on my bed.
It was folded and waiting for me to put it away but has since been fashioned into a pile, about the height of sleeping person to which I have been propping myself up of a nighttime.
I hadn’t thought much of it as I’d done it unconsciously over a few days. Plus, research says that sleeping with your head slightly elevated whilst suffering from flu is beneficial to breathing.
I think I miss the ‘Do you want anything?’ type questions and the fact that at some point, food would arrive.
I did a slow cooker thing that lasted 3 days but now I need to stand up and cook.
I’m not going to.
Let’s kill this
Well folks this is a ramble fest. Sorry.
The moral of the story is, being ill sucks when you’re single.
100% more optimism will be available in my next post.
BSD
First day of the school term
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead
“It’s only school dad; and that sounds like a bad thing to do”
Some children have no sense of occasion.
BSD
Could it get any more Christmasy??
Firstly; Christmassy isn’t a word. Either with one or two s’s.
But I had to share this scene with you.
First mistake
Letting the cubs bed down with me; I should know better. I do know better. I even had a warning from the ex, when I told her that that was my plan this evening.
It didn’t matter. I hadn’t seen them for a while and wanted them near me, so after bath-time, they both clambered into my bed.
Cue singing. By him, at the top of his voice; much to her annoyance.
One threat of ‘You’ll go back to your own bed..’ seemed to do the trick.
Second mistake
When I eventually turned in was not putting them into their own beds as they slept soundly. I tiptoed around my bedroom as I prepared for bed, trying not to disturb the status quo.
I use the light from the bathroom to gauge their positions in the bed, noting which side has the most room and where I have some chance of getting some sleep. Ablutions completed, I get in.
Third mistake
Getting into bed.
I’m a big unit; about 6’5 and about 110 kgs but, I moved with precision of a cat, stalking it’s prey. The duvet moved as skillfully as if performing surgery. Every muscle straining to smooth the whole movement into one, seamless motion. I lay back.
Onto a tiny arm.
Well, I might as well have entered the room with a small orchestra getting their ear in, whilst 10 waiters carried 10 trays of glasses in a 7.2 earthquake. He squealed and started to cry which woke her with a start. Yay me.
Fourth mistake
Not seizing this opportunity to put them into their own beds.
Instead, after the kisses and cuddles, we tried to make it work. All was still.
A tiny arm flopped over my face. Then a chubby foot settled itself in my armpit. Then my daughter protested of a foot in her back. The boy is flexible; I’ll give him that.
He turns.
‘Stop breathing on my back! it’s dangerous!’
I’m too tired to challenge this theory, or make enquiries into its origins.
He’s clearly now heating up so he pulls his knees up to his chest and extends his feet downwards, clearing himself from the duvet. And us in the process. She was having none of it.
The row that follows sees him sitting up and asking for his water, which is on the bedside table nearest her. She passes him his bottle; he erupts into tears.
‘I WANTED TO GET IT!!’
She fires back at him with increasing volume to match, then puts the bottle back down, making him cry even more.
Please just give him his water bottle.
Now she starts to cry. ‘I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!’
Christ.
Now would’ve been another of those good opportunities to put them into their own beds. I didn’t take it. More cuddles and a sort of peace descends. We settle.
Moments later, my neighbour starts drilling; or sawing up a small oak tree; or starts his motorbike (that he doesn’t have) or cranks up their helicopter.
How can a 3 year old snore so loudly!!? he’s only just fallen asleep! and he’s only 3!! Did I mention that he’s only 3??
I gently, turn him to face his sister. ‘Daddy; I know what you’re doing’ she states quite correctly. She’s right, but I thought she was asleep.
I promise his breath isn’t fatal darling; you’ll be fine.
Winter Solstice
The problem with the day following the shortest day in the northern hemisphere is that it gets dark early and stays dark early. You can imagine my joy at hearing my 06:00 alarm going off the moment I had settled the cubs to some sort of sleep.
That was a terrible version of a good night. Sleep deprivation is a terrible weapon.
Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. Pray for me.
BSD
Time to reflect.
It’s that time of year again where I like to take stock of the last 12 months. It’s a thing I do that allows me to press on into the oncoming new year with vigour and determination.
I try to weigh up the good and the bad in an attempt to learn the lessons that I was supposed to.
Sometimes I’m a slow learner.
The cub’s mum
We had more downs than ups. It’s still new and the wounds are still open I guess. This morning we managed to have a row after I asked how she was; the accusation? I phrased the question incorrectly.
I backed off. Part of my philosophy; it takes two to have an argument and I’m not playing.
The lesson
This was one of a few flash points that we collectively experienced over the last year. So how do I avoid them in future, and why should I?
The easy answer is the stress that arguing brings. I just realised that my teeth were clenched whilst typing!
Some disagreement is inevitable, but it’s the handling of such that is all important; the reasons to avoid it are pretty obvious:
- Poor health
- Poor relationships
- Unhappy cubs
The last one is crucially important.
I’ve spoken before about the fact that I will never speak ill of her in front of the cubs. It’s not fair; they only have one mum and they deserve to hold her in high esteem. I will do nothing to change that image.
This is where the teachings of the ‘7 Habits’ come in; seek to understand, before being understood.
In future, I’ll choose my words more carefully; consider my tone and watch my timing. Communication, not confrontation.
Failing that I’ll ignore her until the end of time, plus 15 minutes.
My home
I’ve mentioned already that I’m not overly happy where I am at the moment; it’s too far out for where I need to be, most of the time.
The lesson
Stop moaning! It’s warm, it’s dry, there’s food in the fridge. Some folk have none of those.
I’m sure that I will move in the not too distant future but for now, this is one blessing that I am counting.
Relationships
I’m single. I have been for a while now; the longest while in over two decades. For once, it actually feels ok.
The lesson
Historically, I used to bounce from relationship to relationship, without a break, without ever reflecting on why the last one didn’t work. Sometimes, perhaps inevitably, I’d go on to make the same mistakes again, and again.
I had to stop and ask myself why this was.
- What was I compensating for?
- what was I afraid of?
- what was lacking in myself that I sought from a companion and could that ever be the successful driver of any relationship?
I know that I need to be the complete article before I can share that place in my heart.
I believe in the Law of Attraction; thoughts become things etc.
I also believe that the Universe will keep giving us the same lesson, until we learn it. I’m just thankful that the Universe is very patient.
I’m getting nearer to those answers by spending time with myself, discovering who I am, after all this time.
In the meantime, the most important relationship is the one I’m proudest of; the one with my cubs. They give the most amazing cuddles.
I’m sure that when the time is right, she’ll find me, or we’ll find each other. Then I’ll have to change my pen name.
Finances
Tough! as they no doubt are for us all. Everything seems to be going up apart from our wages.
The lesson
Take control and keep control.
If you’ve read my last post on clearing my debt, you’ll know that I plan to smash this one in 2018.
My ultimate goal is to have 3 income streams. Something recommended by the successful out there. I’ll give you more on that one in 2018.
Health
I know the benefits of exercise, especially in the world we live in today. You absolutely have to do it. I use it to defuse stress too. See my first point, above.
The lesson
Schedule my workouts!
I schedule everything else important, so why should this be any different?
I’m fit; I’m healthy and I’m thankful; truly, truly thankful.
More of the same next year and maybe something to aim for..?
So that’s about it for now. The planning is the next phase and the important thing is to set my goals early and write them down.
Commitment is everything!
So that’s it for now. Looking back, I’m pretty sure I know what I need to what I need to stop, what I need to start and what I need to keep doing in 2018.
Bring it on!
BSD
Instant regret.
In this, the Christmas month, I decided that I’d hold off on decorating my house until the cubs were here and could join in.
I decided to start a tradition, based on memories from my childhood; we were going to walk to the shops to get the tree and other decorations.
I’ve recently become concerned about their health and fitness, so this seemed like the perfect solution; it was about a 2 mile round trip.
Current weather
Winter has come to Blighty. It is bitterly cold and there has been intermittent snow but I’m a great believer in there being no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. I told them to get dressed for the walk.
As if by magic, my daughter turned up in the flimsiest of cagoules.
Darling, you’ll need your thick coat. And your hat. And your gloves.
She disagrees.
He duly puts his boots on, then his thick, down jacket and gloves before I have to take it all of him again as he’d done a poo.
She’s adamant that this tiny coat will be enough, ‘as she likes the cold anyway’; I tell her to look up ‘hypothermia’, whilst I get her brother dressed.
Finally attired how I would like them to be, we head out.
Cold!
Although it wasn’t obvious at first.
The vista was lovely. Some snow remained and frost had crept in. It was truly a winter wonderland.
What I hadn’t factored in to this new tradition, was just how slow my son walked. Or how interested in nature he was.
The route was tree lined and almost every fallen leaf clearly needed inspecting.
Every sycamore seed needed testing for airworthiness.
The whole expedition was brought to a halt by two squirrels fighting in a tree. Well, they weren’t fighting, but that’s the story the cubs got. What is it with animals we come across?
Onwards
After a while, my son’s attention turns to his own well-being.
“My neck isn’t feeling well”
A quick once over and he seems fine; we push on. His sister is less talkative. I ask if she’s ok.
She turns to face me, her nose a fetching shade of red.
“I’m glad you made me wear this coat daddy. I think I have hypothermia”
You don’t. We’re nearly there.
“How are we getting the tree back? How are we getting back?”
We’re going to walk.
She thinks for a while.
“This is like a terrible version of a good day.”
I think I’ll rethink that tradition.
Ps – distance covered = 200 metres.
BSD
broke-single-dad 