A blog on thriving, when you only really planned to be one of those three things.
And the cubs are off with Mum for the first half of the holidays, then they’re back with me for the latter half.
She’s jam-packed activities for them which is great. I’m getting regular FaceTime updates.
A call comes in from the Jurassic coast; a great location and day out for budding adventurers.
“Daddy! Mummy got me this from the gift shop. It’s a mood ring!”
She thrusts her finger towards the screen.
“It says I’m despair but I’m not. I’m just tired”
Ok then.
BSD
And we’ve dug in; but daddy has made an oversight.
We’ve been under some strong weather for the last few days now. It’s no surprise, as the meteorologists have been calling it for a week or so now.
Beware the Beast from the East. So named by the Met Office, scaring old folk and the young in equal measure.
Cold weather is blowing in from the Baltic states and bringing snow with it. It’s quite deep in the east of the country, whilst the rest of us get snow drifts. We all get the high winds and the associated chill that takes -3 down to about -10.
Now any Canadian readers are probably laughing their socks off right now, as these conditions will probably constitute the norm for you folk. Here, we talk about the weather so much its a surprise that we are always so unprepared for it.
School is closed, so I make the decision to keep the youngest off of nursery too, as I’m off work which means that I can switch off the alarm and have a lie in.
Morning arrives and the Saturday routine comes a day early; they jump into my bed and we watch a movie. For once, I’m quite well rested so I watch with them.
Breakfast is 2 hours later than usual – and feels great! I need to adopt this lifestyle full-time.
Reality
I don’t buy into panic buying. No weather system lasts long in this country so I just did a normal shop. But, whilst making the porridge this morning, I realised, that we’ve run out of milk.
We’ll have to go out.
I break the news to the cubs, who usually liking the snow, decided that the wind chill was a factor best observed from the warmth of indoors. We’re going to have to go to the local shops.
The Cat in the Hat (see World Book Day) begins negotiations at the breakfast table.
‘Maybe we could do without milk?’
We can’t. We have to go out.
‘You should probably go without us’
That’s illegal. I’d be jailed.
‘For how long?’
We’re going.
‘But the cupboards are full!’
Not of milk
‘But it’s really cold dad!’
You like the cold
‘My tastes have changed; I’m older’
We’re going
‘Can’t we just use the internet?’
They won’t deliver that small amount of product.
‘Who’s they?’
The 12 Disciples
‘?’
When I was your age, we used to have milkmen. They delivered the milk before morning.
‘Even in this weather?’
Yes
‘Did they die?’
Sometimes.
We’re still going. It’s not far.
‘Wait; we’re walking??’
A wicked smile appears on my face.
Yes; driving is tricky right now.
‘And walking is safer?’
Yes
‘Do the Police know about this?’
They’re busy. We’re still going.
My son looks on; amazed at it all. She’s backed into a corner.
I never thought grocery shopping could be this funny. Bit weird negotiating with the Cat in the Hat though.
BSD
Ever had one of those days, when after checking your work ‘to do’ list, you immediately buy a lottery ticket?
#truestory
BSD
A lesson in delayed gratification
One thing I wish my parents had spent more time on with me was money management and economics. Things may well be different now. Don’t get me wrong and, as I have explained before, I’m not destitute, just careful, having had my fingers burnt.
I don’t want either of mine to struggle in adulthood (what parent does?) so I see it as a priority to prepare them for the fiscal demands of the world.
At the end of these school holidays, we’ve had an action packed week that has left us all tired. We’ve also depleted most of the essential groceries and she has asked for some modelling clay, so off to the shops we go. While we’re in there she spots a must have toy cat, that now has her attention. She asks for it, but it’s slightly more expensive than the clay I’ve found.
Hearing the answer no, she breaks down.
We finish the shop with her in tears and I miss most of what I came for, as I’m tired.
In the car, I tell her that if she cleans her room, and helps her brother clean his, I will give her some pocket-money.
Back at the den, she sets about the task. I’m doing the weekly clean too and they’re pretty used to the routine.
As I pop outside to the bin, I almost step on a tightly folded piece of paper, secured with a bright orange loom band. I take inside and unravel it. It’s a handwritten note;
“Dear God; would you please can you get me the toy cat. Signed ———- Amen”
As a relaxed Christian, I’m touched by this and put the note in a safe place for prosperity and to protect her innocence. As I go back upstairs, she runs into my room.
“Daddy, daddy! while cleaning my room I found exactly £3! it’s enough to buy the cat!”
That’s fantastic darling! It’s like your prayers have been answered!
She stares at me..
“How did you….never mind”
This got me thinking. However it had happened, her prayers had been answered. This is now an interesting premise. I’d made her a deal in which she would trade her labour for financial reward – that’ll sound familiar to us all.
I’d also resisted the temptation to just buy it for her, especially when she broke down in tears, but in my eyes that would be wholly wrong. Ok; she’s only 7, but when is a good time to learn about delayed gratification?
The lessons she learns now will stick with her for life. Effort and reward; what drives us to push ourselves to achieve our goals in life. If it’s handed to us, we’ll eventually come to expect it. Hello dependency.
I reassure myself that this act is neither small nor petty. By the time she recognises the value of the lesson, it’ll be second nature.
As it transpired, the cat was £5, so our second trip to the shop also ended in tears. Luckily, the clean-up offer still stands.
Looks like the Lord doesn’t believe in a free lunch either.
BSD
This question seems to roll around my head quite often; usually when I forget how lucky I am.
“Only dead people never get stressed, never get broken hearts, never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.
Tough emotions are part of our contract with life” Susan David, PhD
I lifted this straight off of a Ted Talk that I stumbled across on twitter. I like it. At some point this weekend I’ll listen to it all, but it did get me thinking.
Why do we have adversity?
I think there are a number of answers to this question, the main one being equilibrium. A term that actually refers to the state of a chemical reaction in equal flux but has found comfortable use in day-to-day language.
Balance. That’s why. If we didn’t have the rough, we would neither recognise or enjoy the smooth.
Then there’s the others
As in the worse off. There is always someone worse off than you. It’s worth remembering but to be honest, that’s a skill. A divine one at times.
Silver lining
This is the bit I like. I’ve spoken about it before; when going through tough times, something invariably turns up to turn the tide.
It’s always worth remembering this.
It’s also worth remembering, as the psychologist Susan David said, the only way to avoid the pain and heartache that comes with life is to not live it. Don’t expose yourself to it. Don’t take chances.
But where’s the fun in that?
So as you’ve probably picked up, things are challenging at the moment. The positive thing is that I now recognise the signs. Once you can do this, you can attempt to control your responses.
Owning your feelings and responses is a better option than shying away from any experience that may well be painful.
The greatest rewards are often linked to the greatest risk.
Ending on a cliché,
BSD
PS, stay positive my lovely people.
Has everyone had a nice Christmas?
I have, and so have the cubs. It was so far removed from what I endured last Year that it’s incomparable.
In those 365 days I’ve learnt so much about myself and the people that come into my life and more importantly, those who remain.
The cubs have had a brilliant time and have been showered with love (and presents). So much so in fact that I have decided to donate some to a local children’s hospice. I want to give back and the only reason I’ve written about it here is to maybe trigger thoughts in others as to how we can give back or help those less fortunate.
This isn’t my review of 2017, in fact I’m not going to do one; I’m not that interesting.
I will be doing one more post and that will be regarding the second part of the race to zero.
Resolutions
To read more of your blogs. I love doing so as it gives me inspiration, advice and makes me chuckle.
They also serve to remind me that I’m not the only one pushing forwards and trying to make sense of this all.
Keep on keeping on folks xx
PS.
Like a glutton for punishment I had both of them in my bed last night as they’ll now be with Mum for a week or so.
Both of them expanded like magic bath toys, moaned every hour on the hour, leaked a nappy onto me and said bed and I’m so sleep deprived I feel I may expire but, I couldn’t be happier.
BSD
It’s that time of year again where I like to take stock of the last 12 months. It’s a thing I do that allows me to press on into the oncoming new year with vigour and determination.
I try to weigh up the good and the bad in an attempt to learn the lessons that I was supposed to.
Sometimes I’m a slow learner.
The cub’s mum
We had more downs than ups. It’s still new and the wounds are still open I guess. This morning we managed to have a row after I asked how she was; the accusation? I phrased the question incorrectly.
I backed off. Part of my philosophy; it takes two to have an argument and I’m not playing.
The lesson
This was one of a few flash points that we collectively experienced over the last year. So how do I avoid them in future, and why should I?
The easy answer is the stress that arguing brings. I just realised that my teeth were clenched whilst typing!
Some disagreement is inevitable, but it’s the handling of such that is all important; the reasons to avoid it are pretty obvious:
The last one is crucially important.
I’ve spoken before about the fact that I will never speak ill of her in front of the cubs. It’s not fair; they only have one mum and they deserve to hold her in high esteem. I will do nothing to change that image.
This is where the teachings of the ‘7 Habits’ come in; seek to understand, before being understood.
In future, I’ll choose my words more carefully; consider my tone and watch my timing. Communication, not confrontation.
Failing that I’ll ignore her until the end of time, plus 15 minutes.
My home
I’ve mentioned already that I’m not overly happy where I am at the moment; it’s too far out for where I need to be, most of the time.
The lesson
Stop moaning! It’s warm, it’s dry, there’s food in the fridge. Some folk have none of those.
I’m sure that I will move in the not too distant future but for now, this is one blessing that I am counting.
Relationships
I’m single. I have been for a while now; the longest while in over two decades. For once, it actually feels ok.
The lesson
Historically, I used to bounce from relationship to relationship, without a break, without ever reflecting on why the last one didn’t work. Sometimes, perhaps inevitably, I’d go on to make the same mistakes again, and again.
I had to stop and ask myself why this was.
I know that I need to be the complete article before I can share that place in my heart.
I believe in the Law of Attraction; thoughts become things etc.
I also believe that the Universe will keep giving us the same lesson, until we learn it. I’m just thankful that the Universe is very patient.
I’m getting nearer to those answers by spending time with myself, discovering who I am, after all this time.
In the meantime, the most important relationship is the one I’m proudest of; the one with my cubs. They give the most amazing cuddles.
I’m sure that when the time is right, she’ll find me, or we’ll find each other. Then I’ll have to change my pen name.
Finances
Tough! as they no doubt are for us all. Everything seems to be going up apart from our wages.
The lesson
Take control and keep control.
If you’ve read my last post on clearing my debt, you’ll know that I plan to smash this one in 2018.
My ultimate goal is to have 3 income streams. Something recommended by the successful out there. I’ll give you more on that one in 2018.
Health
I know the benefits of exercise, especially in the world we live in today. You absolutely have to do it. I use it to defuse stress too. See my first point, above.
The lesson
Schedule my workouts!
I schedule everything else important, so why should this be any different?
I’m fit; I’m healthy and I’m thankful; truly, truly thankful.
More of the same next year and maybe something to aim for..?
So that’s about it for now. The planning is the next phase and the important thing is to set my goals early and write them down.
Commitment is everything!
So that’s it for now. Looking back, I’m pretty sure I know what I need to what I need to stop, what I need to start and what I need to keep doing in 2018.
Bring it on!
BSD
In this, the Christmas month, I decided that I’d hold off on decorating my house until the cubs were here and could join in.
I decided to start a tradition, based on memories from my childhood; we were going to walk to the shops to get the tree and other decorations.
I’ve recently become concerned about their health and fitness, so this seemed like the perfect solution; it was about a 2 mile round trip.
Current weather
Winter has come to Blighty. It is bitterly cold and there has been intermittent snow but I’m a great believer in there being no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. I told them to get dressed for the walk.
As if by magic, my daughter turned up in the flimsiest of cagoules.
Darling, you’ll need your thick coat. And your hat. And your gloves.
She disagrees.
He duly puts his boots on, then his thick, down jacket and gloves before I have to take it all of him again as he’d done a poo.
She’s adamant that this tiny coat will be enough, ‘as she likes the cold anyway’; I tell her to look up ‘hypothermia’, whilst I get her brother dressed.
Finally attired how I would like them to be, we head out.
Cold!
Although it wasn’t obvious at first.
The vista was lovely. Some snow remained and frost had crept in. It was truly a winter wonderland.
What I hadn’t factored in to this new tradition, was just how slow my son walked. Or how interested in nature he was.
The route was tree lined and almost every fallen leaf clearly needed inspecting.
Every sycamore seed needed testing for airworthiness.
The whole expedition was brought to a halt by two squirrels fighting in a tree. Well, they weren’t fighting, but that’s the story the cubs got. What is it with animals we come across?
Onwards
After a while, my son’s attention turns to his own well-being.
“My neck isn’t feeling well”
A quick once over and he seems fine; we push on. His sister is less talkative. I ask if she’s ok.
She turns to face me, her nose a fetching shade of red.
“I’m glad you made me wear this coat daddy. I think I have hypothermia”
You don’t. We’re nearly there.
“How are we getting the tree back? How are we getting back?”
We’re going to walk.
She thinks for a while.
“This is like a terrible version of a good day.”
I think I’ll rethink that tradition.
Ps – distance covered = 200 metres.
BSD
Moreover, perpetually smelling it.
As any parent of young cubs will know, poo plays quite a prominent role in your day.
Nappy changes, potty training and generally forgetting that toilets need flushing are all part of the jolly tapestry of the reward that is parenting.
Understand this; I’m a clean freak. My home is tidy for the majority of the time and I’m no fan of this ‘lived in’ philosophy. I prefer the showhome standpoint. My two beg to differ and occasionally, I’m happy to compromise.
The Saturday routine I had as a kid was that we would all chip in and help clean the house; this has extended into my adulthood.
Today was no different and the cubs are doing their rooms. Well my son isn’t but he’s only 3.
They were upstairs as I cleaned the kitchen. Occasionally I’d pop up, if only to restore some civil order where my son had wondered in to my daughter’s room and refused to leave.
As I neared, I was met by a poo haze, and my youngest in his favoured ‘mid poo’ squat.
Come on big man; time for a bum change.
‘Not finished yet!’ Was his customary reply and this time was no different. I waited.
His sister’s room was full of the most interesting funk so I opened the windows.
Eventually, he followed me. Before we went through the process I opened the windows. I do like open windows and whatever the weather, this is my first job on waking. A home benefits from a good blow through.
‘It’s a sloppy one daddy!’
I appreciated the warning, and the fact that his vocabulary is coming along so well.
Change done. No drama. He ran back to his sister’s room.
It smelt of poo, despite the windows being open. Hmmm.
I went downstairs with the offending package bagged up.
Downstairs smelt of poo.
I couldn’t understand it. Windows were open but it lingered.
I put the bag in the outside bin;
Outside smelt of poo.
By the time I came back in, both cubs were downstairs and hunting for snacks. My daughter looked at me, and screamed.
Well actually, it was more of a scream/laugh thing, accompanied by her pointing.
DAD! THERE’S POO ON YOUR NOSE!!
That explained it.
BSD.
I came across a definition of the difference between being poor and being broke whilst browsing yesterday; it struck a chord with me.
It was an excerpt from Rich Dad – Poor Dad and it was this:
The difference between poor and broke is that poor is a mindset whilst broke is a temporary condition..
My first thought was ‘thank goodness I didn’t call myself Poor-Single-Dad’. Not alone for the fact that P.S.D sounds more medical. More importantly, I have never felt poor, and that is important – it’s a mindset.
Separation brings significant issues, even if you are the one that decides to call it a day, as I was in this case. Issues both physical and emotional that you just have to work through; there is no short cut. Money is a major hurdle but it is not impassable.
One home will become two and domestic finances become a sole responsibility. This can be a greater challenge if you were unaccustomed to handling finances pre-break-up.
My issue was that over the years, I became complacent. I earned well but those earnings fell behind the cost of living. If you’re lucky enough to earn well but your increments do not keep pace with inflation, this is a bullet-time recipe for bad times; the way back isn’t easy.
Take Control
Recognise the issue and even if it has crept up on you, it’s never too late to take control of your finances. Read up on monetary issues and controlling finances. I follow a lot of money minded individuals on twitter and online. Barnaby King; Debts to Riches; Tori Dunlap; Zero Day Finance; Debt Free Geek; Dirt Cheap Wealth to name but a few.
I follow these folk for two reasons:
Seeing that others have not only survived but actually thrived, from positions often worse than yours can serve as great inspiration and reassurance, that you can take control.
Keep an eye out for signs of stress…
Lets fix this
Count everything
This is essential. If you weren’t doing it before, do it now. Account for absolutely everything you spend over a month or two. The outcome will surprise you. Scratchcards, Coffee, buying lunch every day will all add up.
Use an app if you have too. A quick search will give you lots of options. I use OnTrees; which is a Money Supermarket subsidiary. Other’s are available.
Once you entered the access details to all of your accounts and cards, they will track and even categorise your spending.
Cut back or earn more
Once you’ve plotted your spending, usually followed by stating ‘I spend how much on xyz??’ you need to make a decision. Are you going to cut back on certain areas or earn more money?
I’m not a great one for lavish spending. In fact i’m pretty frugal and I always have been. My issues are that I have too many liabilities and not enough assets. This is a classic way to ensure that there is a lot of month left at the end of your money. The liabilities that I have are ones that I’m keen to keep so therefore my option is to earn more.
I won’t go into money-making methods now but [hopefully] you’re reading one of mine.
If you don’t fancy pulling extra shift, pulling pints or whatever niche you find to monetise, then you’re going to have to rationalise your spending.
False loyalty
Ruthlessly got through everything. Credit cards, loans, utilities, insurance, assurance, the lot. Are you still on the best deal? Some companies have a funny habit of penalising loyalty so shop around, don’t just renew blindly. It’s not hard to do and there are a lot of comparison sites out there that are perfect to mull over whilst you’re having a coffee.
You may seem like you’re moving things around for the sake of pennies but mark my words these little changes will add up.
Budget and discipline
This can be the hardest element to control. By the middle of every month, I have laid out my income and outgoings for the next month. I look at the last two months and decide on how much ‘slush’ I have. This is set aside for non-essential elements.
Again, there are apps out there that will package this all up for you. I’ve tried a few but found them difficult to stick with. By the time I’d edited, tampered and corrected the entries I was better off creating something myself. Personally I use an excel spreadsheet which does the job just as well.
Once you have a budget, discipline yourself to stick to it. It might seem hard at first but the results are worth it.
I recently stumbled on the 50-20-30 rule whilst virtually thumbing Forbes.
It’s not easy. Once I’d put these percentages on my weekly spreadsheet I saw how out of kilter things were.
If you have debt such as credit cards, make sure you pay these off first. Snowball if you have to by paying off the most costly debt first.
Treats
Otherwise what’s the point?
An endless slog, or something that feels like it, is usually doomed to failure, unless you have steely focus and military like discipline.
Plan your treats. Whether its a take-away once a month or a foreign holiday once a year the further you can plan ahead and break costs down the better it will be. Obviously I’m talking about the holiday here rather than a takeaway – if you have to plan ahead for a takeaway you may be spending too much on it.
Planning ahead also gives you something to look forwards to, and occasional rewards should keep you on track.
Finally
Don’t despair. There are real problems lurking out there and trust me, money isn’t one of them. If you have your mental and physical health, you can achieve most things.
BSD
None of this post is sponsored. Links are to external sites. Twitter folk have no idea I’ve written about them (it’s all complimentary).
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