06:45, weekday morning:
- Minimal signs of life
- Progress only visible via time-lapse camera.
06:33, weekend morning:
- Both awake
- Standing over sleeping daddy
- Prodding face
- Tiny fingers prising adult eyes open.
TV is full of it; timelines are full of it; my mind is full
I think I’ve been naive, and maybe I still am.
I’m talking about male predation and sexual assault/inappropriateness/harassment.
Just grab ’em by the *****
You get the picture.
It scares me and angers me all at once that men in a position of power (real or perceived) think that they can act however they want or take whatever they want; to feel that entitled and beyond reproach that they try to impose their will on others, by force if necessary.
The psychologist in me seeks to understand the behaviour of individuals in all cases but I will admit to a fog of anger descending when I hear such stories.
A close friend of mine told me one such story recently. She conveyed it in a jovial, almost dismissive way, stating that if she didn’t laugh, she would cry. After a couple of full paragraphs from her my only response was ‘Jesus…’
She relayed a little more and my response was the same; ‘Jesus’
Sensing my shock, she then gave me another couple of examples of men taking advantage and this time, she ended the story with
ask any woman you know..
I didn’t need to.
I had heard stories historically but somehow I’d managed to box them off as individual incidents in my mind.
Now I was joining the dots and I could feel anger rising inside me.
Not just high profile
I’ll be honest; I don’t know what to write next.
I want to talk about self-defence. I’m a martial artist and for a long time, I’ve been an advocate of everyone learning to defend themselves, especially women. But then I ask myself
‘Why should you have to?’
I’ve deleted more than I’ve written (mostly expletives) so I’ll go here. I can’t fix the world but I want to prepare my cubs for it whilst protecting their innocence.
For my son
How to be a man; a real man. That means being a humanitarian, a communicator and showing respect whilst ensuring you get respected. Hearing no and understanding that and not overstepping the line in the first place. To take responsibility. Not to stand by.
For my daughter
Having the strength to say no and the courage to act* under the circumstances. To recognise what is appropriate and what is not. To be a humanitarian but to not feel responsible for the poor behaviour of others.
I don’t blog well when I’m angry.
*this isn’t meant as criticism or victim blaming. I’m just angry.
This time last week
Last week I let you in on the peripheries of some tough times I was facing. I purposely didn’t go into detail but there was enough vague information to give you the general idea. I was under it.
At times like that it’s hard to imagine a way out. It’s hard to imagine things will ever be good again and it’s hard to see positives.
Somehow, I managed to keep my head. I made a conscious effort not to succumb to any ‘all is lost‘ feelings but rather to believe that things will work out for the best. I quite literally, relaxed and essentially did nothing. It was the hardest thing I [haven’t] done in my life.
I did other things. I forced myself to feel positive; I prayed a little more, specifically for an answer, although at the time I didn’t know what that answer was. I asked the Universe for an answer again, not knowing what that answer was. I wonder how many of you I just lost…
I also sang this quite a bit..
There will be an answer;let it be.
This time this week
All has changed.
Actually, they had changed by the middle of the week. Out of the blue and with no prompting from me, I received an official letter that changed everything. It proved to be the catalyst that kicked off a chain of events that will change everything.
It also increased my positivity and my positive outlook, which again gained momentum to help me see more ways to tackle my issues.
It’s the best feeling in the world.
And the moral of the story
Whatever you’re going through, have faith that you will come out the other end.
It doesn’t have to take belief in God or the Universe; just belief in yourself to find a way through your struggles.
Your answer will come.
Ps. Life will always throw poo at you; you just have to either dodge it or catch it and throw it back!
As we speak i’m writing this on my older, back-up laptop, as my (old) primary laptop is having an identity crisis, taking all my passwords and other stuff with it. I’ve asked the Universe for a new one..
This morning’s drive in;
‘Dad; my friend and I found a dead butterfly in the playground yesterday’
Did you? What type was it?
‘I don’t know, but we took a wing each and threw the body into the hedge…’
Lord help me.
If you know what a paradigm is; it’s a great word and I like using it. It’s appropriate today. This weekend has been pretty tough and I’m chalking it down to a co-parenting fail.
We seem to be in a push/pull groundhog day where I feel that I’m losing out. Official decisions, external influences etc. have log jammed into a head fug that gives the feeling of skiing uphill.
Settled situations appear on a horizon that can’t be reached but yet, I’m still optimistic.
I still, have so much to be grateful for:
I don’t care who you are; we are all fighting an unseen battle. There are so many cliches out there such as ‘Walk a mile…’ ‘The night is darkest before the dawn…’ ‘Every winter has it’s spring..’ (I actually quite like winter) and they all ring true.
Change your mind and change your situation. Another cliche and I recognise that this doesn’t work if you are clinically depressed; that’s a special situation that can benefit from professional intervention but for anyone else, shift your paradigm.
Whatever you do and whatever you’re going through: DO NOT GIVE UP.
“Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” – Bruce Lee
This morning’s drive in turned plenty deep plenty quickly.
“Dad; would a hurricane blow the hair off someone with Cancer?”
After skillfully not crashing; I ponder a suitable response. I’d have preferred a ‘Where do babies come from’ as I have a script for that one but this was left field.
‘Those two things are quite unrelated darling; how did you put them together?’
“Well; I’d noticed that when people get Cancer they lose their hair. I suspect that Cancer makes it loose so if you’re in a hurricane, those strong winds will only make matters worse.”
I can see her logic and decide to tackle the big one first.
‘Ok; it’s not the Cancer that causes sufferers to lose their hair, its the treatment. It can be quite aggressive’
Having lost my mother to the big C, I know enough about the topic to feed her facts. Preempting her next enquiry, I continue.
‘Cancer happens in the body at a cellular, microscopic, level. Every part of us is made up of cells. Technically we are constantly regenerating ourselves but slightly older than the version before..”With Cancer, somehow the message to create a new cell gets messed up and misunderstood, so the new cell isn’t quite as it should be. If there are enough of these not-so-right cells, they can attack the good cells. That can be really bad’
She looks creeped out.
‘It’s a gradual process; we call it mutating‘
Less creeped and now showing the look of ‘I’m gonna tell folk this in the playground’.
“So is a cell small? what’s the smallest living thing?”
Now I’m wading out into deep waters…
‘I think it’s a single celled, protozoa but I’m not sure; I’ll check this evening’
It’s been a while since Biology class.
“I think it’s a woodlouse”
The hurricane went unmentioned.
At the moment; nothing makes sense.
This doesn’t make sense. Things are tough and I’m conscious of this turning into a diary entry.
I’m a focused individual. Work; Kung-Fu, focused. Relationships? not so. I’m not sure why either.
I’m also a man of science. A lot of what I need to operate safely relies on my understanding of the scientific method and it’s application, but recently, I’ve been counting magpies.
You’re familiar with the rhyme I take it?
As with most luck/superstitions, I’m interested in it when it fits my narrative; a kind of umbrella for my mood.
From my bedroom window, sitting up first thing in the morning I can see my neighbour’s roof. For a suburban area the bird count is quite high, including varieties of species.
There is also a nest of magpies in the locality as their grating call will attest. In the morning, there can be any number around doing their destructive thing.
There are rules to magpie spotting and how this totally random, non-attributable event will affect the rest of your (my) day.
It has to be first thing in the morning; all subsequent magpie spottings after the initial sighting are either null and void, or serve as confluence to earlier magpie signals.
So here’s the thing….
I believe in making my own luck. I believe in both working smarter and harder, so why the hell is this my current state of mind?
I’m distracted. Things aren’t running smoothly in the co-parenting world.
It’s a blip.
Alcohol that is. Now I’ve become an insufferable bore to anyone who’ll listen. Today that’s you.
Some of the best conversations I ever have are with myself and one of the latest ones was about how much alcohol I had consumed lately.
Now don’t get me wrong; I hadn’t dipped to the realms of problem drinking but I had got to the stage of comfort drinking without realising.
It used to be a thing of mine to have a beer while watching the football. After a tough day at work I’d enjoy a single malt with a single ice cube; Oban; Talisker; Glenfiddich…
Things started to pick up pace post separation. Not having the cubs around 24/7 hit me a lot harder than I expected so I found myself filling the gaps with work, exercise, more work and the odd glass of wine.
Then it happened
During the weekly shop I came across an award winning bottle of Gin so I duly bought a litre.
A week later it was almost gone.
Not good at all.
So I stopped.
Just like that.
I’d noticed folk drinking non-alcoholic beer on nights out and wondered why they’d bother. Let’s face it; lager isn’t something you drink because it tastes nice. Or so I thought. So I gave it a try.
Not bad at all. I’ve tried a few brands now and am currently working my way through some more. The best part is that I can now have a night out and drive. I think that’s a British thing.
The second best part is the clear head in the morning.
The only downside is watching your buddies descend through the evolution of man to the point where everything is funny.
Oh well; that’s better than the alternative.
I’m not saying I’ll never touch a drop again, but my eyes are wide open now.
I suffer occasional insomnia
Well, not occasional; I suffer with poor sleep more often than not. Especially when I have things on my mind.
I was always one to stay up late, even though I’m well aware of the necessity of a decent night’s sleep. In my current occupation, this can be a bonus, but after two decades, the joke is wearing a little thin.
The usual pattern is this;
It differs slightly if I have the cubs but not by much.
I’ve tried most things but refuse to be medicated – it’s just not my style…
Sticking with the motivation theme
As it tends to be an overarching element of being a single parent. The challenges come thick and fast.
I find that there is a common theme; my mind.
Whatever is facing you it can be easy to fall into the paradigm of perceiving it as as problem. I call it the dentist visit syndrome.
I have nothing against dentists, but I have had bad experiences in the past that had led me to fear them. As a result, during my late teens my dental health suffered. The turning point was when pain took over, and I had to do something.
£5 short of £700 later, I was fixed.
Oh, there was also the little matter of 12 separate injections in my gums to add to the experience.
That set me thinking. I was just realising my journey as a budding psychologist so I started to research mental sets and paradigms. It occurred to me that despite my fears, the procedures actually weren’t all that bad. I had built up this fear and picture in my mind that was so powerful, it drowned out all reason. My thoughts of the event were stronger than the reality of the event.
I had to change.