A blog on thriving, when you only really planned to be one of those three things.
And he’s working out who’s been naughty or nice…
So you need to be good! I told my son, in a last ditch effort to keep him still while I cut his hair.
You know who’s coming tomorrow don’t you?
‘Batman?’
Merry Christmas folks; I hope you and yours all have a happy holiday.
Thank you for your continued support in this little project of mine. Xx
BSD
Firstly; Christmassy isn’t a word. Either with one or two s’s.
But I had to share this scene with you.
First mistake
Letting the cubs bed down with me; I should know better. I do know better. I even had a warning from the ex, when I told her that that was my plan this evening.
It didn’t matter. I hadn’t seen them for a while and wanted them near me, so after bath-time, they both clambered into my bed.
Cue singing. By him, at the top of his voice; much to her annoyance.
One threat of ‘You’ll go back to your own bed..’ seemed to do the trick.
Second mistake
When I eventually turned in was not putting them into their own beds as they slept soundly. I tiptoed around my bedroom as I prepared for bed, trying not to disturb the status quo.
I use the light from the bathroom to gauge their positions in the bed, noting which side has the most room and where I have some chance of getting some sleep. Ablutions completed, I get in.
Third mistake
Getting into bed.
I’m a big unit; about 6’5 and about 110 kgs but, I moved with precision of a cat, stalking it’s prey. The duvet moved as skillfully as if performing surgery. Every muscle straining to smooth the whole movement into one, seamless motion. I lay back.
Onto a tiny arm.
Well, I might as well have entered the room with a small orchestra getting their ear in, whilst 10 waiters carried 10 trays of glasses in a 7.2 earthquake. He squealed and started to cry which woke her with a start. Yay me.
Fourth mistake
Not seizing this opportunity to put them into their own beds.
Instead, after the kisses and cuddles, we tried to make it work. All was still.
A tiny arm flopped over my face. Then a chubby foot settled itself in my armpit. Then my daughter protested of a foot in her back. The boy is flexible; I’ll give him that.
He turns.
‘Stop breathing on my back! it’s dangerous!’
I’m too tired to challenge this theory, or make enquiries into its origins.
He’s clearly now heating up so he pulls his knees up to his chest and extends his feet downwards, clearing himself from the duvet. And us in the process. She was having none of it.
The row that follows sees him sitting up and asking for his water, which is on the bedside table nearest her. She passes him his bottle; he erupts into tears.
‘I WANTED TO GET IT!!’
She fires back at him with increasing volume to match, then puts the bottle back down, making him cry even more.
Please just give him his water bottle.
Now she starts to cry. ‘I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!’
Christ.
Now would’ve been another of those good opportunities to put them into their own beds. I didn’t take it. More cuddles and a sort of peace descends. We settle.
Moments later, my neighbour starts drilling; or sawing up a small oak tree; or starts his motorbike (that he doesn’t have) or cranks up their helicopter.
How can a 3 year old snore so loudly!!? he’s only just fallen asleep! and he’s only 3!! Did I mention that he’s only 3??
I gently, turn him to face his sister. ‘Daddy; I know what you’re doing’ she states quite correctly. She’s right, but I thought she was asleep.
I promise his breath isn’t fatal darling; you’ll be fine.
Winter Solstice
The problem with the day following the shortest day in the northern hemisphere is that it gets dark early and stays dark early. You can imagine my joy at hearing my 06:00 alarm going off the moment I had settled the cubs to some sort of sleep.
That was a terrible version of a good night. Sleep deprivation is a terrible weapon.
Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. Pray for me.
BSD
She used to do the wrapping.
I suck at wrapping.
I’ll tell the cubs that Santa was in a hurry.
BSD
It’s that time of year again where I like to take stock of the last 12 months. It’s a thing I do that allows me to press on into the oncoming new year with vigour and determination.
I try to weigh up the good and the bad in an attempt to learn the lessons that I was supposed to.
Sometimes I’m a slow learner.
The cub’s mum
We had more downs than ups. It’s still new and the wounds are still open I guess. This morning we managed to have a row after I asked how she was; the accusation? I phrased the question incorrectly.
I backed off. Part of my philosophy; it takes two to have an argument and I’m not playing.
The lesson
This was one of a few flash points that we collectively experienced over the last year. So how do I avoid them in future, and why should I?
The easy answer is the stress that arguing brings. I just realised that my teeth were clenched whilst typing!
Some disagreement is inevitable, but it’s the handling of such that is all important; the reasons to avoid it are pretty obvious:
The last one is crucially important.
I’ve spoken before about the fact that I will never speak ill of her in front of the cubs. It’s not fair; they only have one mum and they deserve to hold her in high esteem. I will do nothing to change that image.
This is where the teachings of the ‘7 Habits’ come in; seek to understand, before being understood.
In future, I’ll choose my words more carefully; consider my tone and watch my timing. Communication, not confrontation.
Failing that I’ll ignore her until the end of time, plus 15 minutes.
My home
I’ve mentioned already that I’m not overly happy where I am at the moment; it’s too far out for where I need to be, most of the time.
The lesson
Stop moaning! It’s warm, it’s dry, there’s food in the fridge. Some folk have none of those.
I’m sure that I will move in the not too distant future but for now, this is one blessing that I am counting.
Relationships
I’m single. I have been for a while now; the longest while in over two decades. For once, it actually feels ok.
The lesson
Historically, I used to bounce from relationship to relationship, without a break, without ever reflecting on why the last one didn’t work. Sometimes, perhaps inevitably, I’d go on to make the same mistakes again, and again.
I had to stop and ask myself why this was.
I know that I need to be the complete article before I can share that place in my heart.
I believe in the Law of Attraction; thoughts become things etc.
I also believe that the Universe will keep giving us the same lesson, until we learn it. I’m just thankful that the Universe is very patient.
I’m getting nearer to those answers by spending time with myself, discovering who I am, after all this time.
In the meantime, the most important relationship is the one I’m proudest of; the one with my cubs. They give the most amazing cuddles.
I’m sure that when the time is right, she’ll find me, or we’ll find each other. Then I’ll have to change my pen name.
Finances
Tough! as they no doubt are for us all. Everything seems to be going up apart from our wages.
The lesson
Take control and keep control.
If you’ve read my last post on clearing my debt, you’ll know that I plan to smash this one in 2018.
My ultimate goal is to have 3 income streams. Something recommended by the successful out there. I’ll give you more on that one in 2018.
Health
I know the benefits of exercise, especially in the world we live in today. You absolutely have to do it. I use it to defuse stress too. See my first point, above.
The lesson
Schedule my workouts!
I schedule everything else important, so why should this be any different?
I’m fit; I’m healthy and I’m thankful; truly, truly thankful.
More of the same next year and maybe something to aim for..?
So that’s about it for now. The planning is the next phase and the important thing is to set my goals early and write them down.
Commitment is everything!
So that’s it for now. Looking back, I’m pretty sure I know what I need to what I need to stop, what I need to start and what I need to keep doing in 2018.
Bring it on!
BSD
In this, the Christmas month, I decided that I’d hold off on decorating my house until the cubs were here and could join in.
I decided to start a tradition, based on memories from my childhood; we were going to walk to the shops to get the tree and other decorations.
I’ve recently become concerned about their health and fitness, so this seemed like the perfect solution; it was about a 2 mile round trip.
Current weather
Winter has come to Blighty. It is bitterly cold and there has been intermittent snow but I’m a great believer in there being no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. I told them to get dressed for the walk.
As if by magic, my daughter turned up in the flimsiest of cagoules.
Darling, you’ll need your thick coat. And your hat. And your gloves.
She disagrees.
He duly puts his boots on, then his thick, down jacket and gloves before I have to take it all of him again as he’d done a poo.
She’s adamant that this tiny coat will be enough, ‘as she likes the cold anyway’; I tell her to look up ‘hypothermia’, whilst I get her brother dressed.
Finally attired how I would like them to be, we head out.
Cold!
Although it wasn’t obvious at first.
The vista was lovely. Some snow remained and frost had crept in. It was truly a winter wonderland.
What I hadn’t factored in to this new tradition, was just how slow my son walked. Or how interested in nature he was.
The route was tree lined and almost every fallen leaf clearly needed inspecting.
Every sycamore seed needed testing for airworthiness.
The whole expedition was brought to a halt by two squirrels fighting in a tree. Well, they weren’t fighting, but that’s the story the cubs got. What is it with animals we come across?
Onwards
After a while, my son’s attention turns to his own well-being.
“My neck isn’t feeling well”
A quick once over and he seems fine; we push on. His sister is less talkative. I ask if she’s ok.
She turns to face me, her nose a fetching shade of red.
“I’m glad you made me wear this coat daddy. I think I have hypothermia”
You don’t. We’re nearly there.
“How are we getting the tree back? How are we getting back?”
We’re going to walk.
She thinks for a while.
“This is like a terrible version of a good day.”
I think I’ll rethink that tradition.
Ps – distance covered = 200 metres.
BSD
About this time of year I undertake a review of my personal finances.
The reason I do this is two-fold;
I go through everything, checking that I am on the best deals or using things in the best way; from energy bills to how I do the food shop, nothing goes unchecked.
This December, I’ve decided to take decisive action on my credit card debt and eradicate it over the next year.
My debt isn’t particularly high, but I’m in that daft cycle of paying just above the minimum each month, so effectively only paying the interest on a month by month basis.
This is great for them, not so great for me.
My target is to be down to 1/3 of the available balance on both of my cards by the 2018 review, with the real kicker being that I actually want to zero both cards by the summer, then use them as they should be used.
At the moment, I’m taking calculated risks with my credit cards. My balances are quite high on both but I’m hedging this against my ability to earn more money next year.
I’m not a spend less person but I am a spend wisely person, and that makes all the difference.
I’m also an earn more person and that is the key to this working.
What I intend to do differently over the coming year, is to journal my thoughts, actions and balances (in percentages) in order to either help and inspire others, or to reflect on good and bad practice. I’ll do this once a month.
I have a 3 point strategy
As usual, discipline (and delayed gratification) is the key.
In order for this to be a success, I have to understand my credit cards. The following is what I already know:
I’ve mentioned correct use a couple of times. With cards, the idea is to keep your balance low then pay it off monthly. Sometimes easier said than done.
My issue came in that transition from two incomes to one; things needed to be bought and paid for. Items that shouldn’t be purchased on a card (when your utilisation of credit is quite high) started to creep on there regularly, rather than once in a blue moon.
As a consequence, I know have a robust set of rules around the use of credit. I’ll place these in the December update.
November 2017
Card 1 = 99.95% utilisation.
Card 2 = 97.22% utilisation.
Time to get to work.
BSD
Son: My sister is not a he…
He’s just getting to grips with gender, after caller her ‘him’ for about six months now.
Correct
Son: He’s a girl!
Almost right
Daughter: I’m a she!
Son: Yes. And I’m a boy!
Yes
Son: And daddy is a man!
Correct
Daughter: and mummy is a lady; isn’t she daddy?
Daughter: Daddy?
Daughter: Daddy??
Bath time
BSD
And I’m talking finances.
For some reason, one of the obvious factors of becoming a single income household, the halving of the number of earners putting in to the family coffers, had not registered on my radar of anything, until that dip in income started to bite.
There is no pressure like financial pressure as it can feel like an ever descending spiral. This can lead to worry and depression which can itself lead to mood swings or some other harmful coping mechanism.
So the lead picture is Santa squaring up for a fight – you get the analogy; Christmas is coming and that can present a real financial squeeze, if you’re not prepared.
Speaking from experience, I’ve done the splurge for the festive season thing. It’s short term gain for long term pain. Historically, I would do this weird thing where I would pay most of my bills, before spending what I wanted to spend. This eventually led to problems, as you can imagine. When bills aren’t paid, companies (rightly) grow concerned and want what is owed them.
Then the letters start
Dealing with them is easier said than done and they are extremely easy to ignore. However, problems rarely go away if ignored so if you find yourself in this uncomfortable situation, give your creditors a call and explain your situation. It’s in all of your best interests to come to a solution.
This post isn’t about that; it’s about this
I want to talk to you about projecting forwards, as prevention is better than cure. I enlisted the help of a dear friend of mine, Zane Groves, an entrepreneur who happens to be a bit of a financial whizz. Good job really as he’s a financial advisor.
He owned his own mortgage consultancy at age 26 but more impressively, manage to grow his business when large institutions were folding as the world experienced the deepest recession in living memory.
He’s a planner and he’s come up with a short and sharp, 6 point plan for a financially fit future. Over to him.
1) What are your goals.
This may seem very obvious but have a plan. This can be from saving for a holiday to a deposit for your first home. Once you know what your goal is, plan how you’re going to get there and the sooner the better!
2) Make saving a habit.
We often say “I can’t afford to save” or I’ve only got £50 to save, what difference will that make. We let me tell you, you’ve been saving for that rainy day for 2 years and the boiler breaks, guess what you’ve got the money so you can pay for it immediately and not get into debt with your flexible friend. If you’re lucky enough not to need it then great!
3) Work pensions.
Pay! your employer does (UK law) and the younger you start the better. The average pension pot at retirement currently stands at £50,000 which isn’t going to go far. If you want a comfortable retirement save as much as you can afford. The same if you’re self-employed.
4) Protect your income.
In most cases spending 1% of your annual salary will protect the other 99%. Don’t rely on the state, incapacity benefit is currently around £88 per week, try living on that one.
5) Reduce your debt.
Where ever possible try and pay down your unsecured debt and focus on the higher interest rate charging vehicles.
6) Invest in yourself.
If finance really isn’t your bag, employ someone who’s it is. You wouldn’t after all get a baker to look after your car so find a suitably qualified financial advisor and let them work with you.
He doesn’t mince his words. As a thank you to him I’ve included a link to his website througout the post.
I want to quickly dig a little deeper on some of his points, which if you look at them again, have one key personal factor involved; self-discipline.
The success depends on your ability to delay your gratification; want it now will lead you back down the rabbit hole.
Finally
My plan for Christmas this year is to splurge, in a controlled manner of course. I’m in a position where I can guarantee overtime for most of 2018. My plan is to put in some extra hours and ‘snowball’ my most expensive debt away. It’ll be tough, but it’s the trade off for running up the cards over 2017.
Please remember this; over the festive period your children ultimately want your time.
Looking back to my childhood, I can’t remember if I ever got that train set, or the Evil Kenevil Rocket Edition, but I can remember being loved, warm and safe.
I can remember spending time decorating the tree and I can remember falling asleep on the sofa, full of food and watching Christmas films. Relax and be happy!
BSD
If you are struggling with debt, please seek help; there are some great free resources available online.
If you’re in the market for financial products as well as good advice, please check out Mr Zane Grove’s website
I’ve noticed that I go quiet when the cubs aren’t around. I am planning another finance post based around single parent issues, but that’s taking some time to come together.
In the meantime, get your head around this sweet horror story.
On the way home; again.
I hadn’t seen them for a few days as they were with their mum last weekend, so I was pretty excited to pick them both up.
Him first, and he was as excited as me. I like to have a catch up in the car, even though we had ‘face timed’ over the weekend.
He mumbled incoherently for a bit, before effervescently telling me that he wanted a pet, a spider-dog, and that it should be called Adam.
He waited for my response, which didn’t come (could you answer that one..?) then promptly fell asleep. He’d clearly put a shift in at nursery.
Befuddled, I went to get her.
More great cuddles and she has news. She always has news.
“DAD! I’ve baked you some cookies!”
Oh that’s lovely darling; thank you.
“You’re welcome! I made them on Saturday!”
I picked one out of the bag and ate it, ignoring the funny colouring.
“It did have icing on it…”
Oh? I said, hoping it had fallen off at some point over the past two days…
“I find the icing irresistible! it’s just so tasty!”
Oh no
“So I licked it all off whilst they were still warm”
BSD
“Dad; there’s been a case of head licence at school”
Eh? a case of what?
“Head licence”
I think you mean head lice dear. A licence is…well, it doesn’t matter now.
“One of the boys has them. He was working at his desk and one jumped out onto his book”
Are you sure darling? that’s quite unusual. Did you see it happen?
“No, but one of my friends did and she’s been a good source of information in the past”
I think you listen to daddy talk too closely. Anyway, head lice are quite common and pretty easy to pass from person to person. They only like clean hair.
“I should probably stop washing mine then”
NO
“I think the cold kills them so we should be ok now.”
That’s good to know
“I’m not sure how they feel about spring though”
Who??
“The head licence; the cold kills them. It’s pretty cold in Spring still isn’t it?”
Lice. Cold? Who told you that anyway? Was this your friend again?
“No; this was a teacher.”
Well….?!!?…..Ok.
Armistice
“Dad; they’ve taken down all those poppies that we saw on the lamppost yesterday”
They were up for Remembrance Sunday / Armistice day where we pay tribute to those who lost their lives during conflicts and wars.
“How many people died?”
Quite a …..
“And before you say ‘a lot’ can you give me a number please. I need that level of detail”
Jesus.
Well i’m not sure but it was in the 10’s of millions. You’d think that with all that loss of life, humanity would lear……
“PADDINGTON IS ON AT THE CINEMA!!”
I guess she is only 7.
Good habits
“Dad”
Yes darling?
“I really don’t like coming home in the dark; can you work a bit less?”
I’d love to, but life is a balancing act at the moment. No work no pay.
“There isn’t a lot of time to do anything by the time we get home”
You could do your homework? there’s always time for that.
“………………………………………..why would you even say that…?”
“Dad”
(Christ) Yes?
“Have you had grapes with cheese before? they’re fantastic! you really should try it!”
Yeah I do darling; quite often.
“Oh ok. Do you like them”
Yes. Adults will often have them with a glass of red wine.
“Really?”
Yes
“So can I have some in my packed lunch tomorrow?”
What; cheese and grapes?
“Yes”
Yes of course
“And you’d better put the wine in my water bottle or the teachers might want some”
This conversation was approximately 5 minutes of a 45 minute journey.
BSD
broke-single-dad 