Tell cubs this;
When showing adults something, the object does not need to touch our retina.
Tell cubs this;
When showing adults something, the object does not need to touch our retina.
I think my heads right; I think I can write; let’s see.
Co-parenting is a challenge. I’ve written as much before. If you’re lucky enough not to be in such an arrangement, imagine trying to share something you love with someone you don’t. That pretty much sums it up.
You don’t see eye to eye becuase if you did, things would’ve worked out between you. Instead, you agree to come to an agreement over the most precious things in your life. Whilst not ideal, when it works, it works.
But what about when it doesn’t..
I had the rug pulled from under me recently which has caused me to take action. A text that told me Christmas plans were changing, as the cubs had asked for them to. It was due to be with me this year, mother invited of course. The text was to ‘run the idea past me’.
My objection by reply, was met by an ultimatum; that if all future Christmases were to be at hers then that’s how things will be. But I was welcome to join them. All heart.
As an individual, I like to respond, not to react. I try to distance myself from a knee-jerk, even with something as emotive as this. These are my children too and we have an arrangement; alternate Christmasses, with the other partner invited.
Here’s the connundrum; the weight of leverage of a loaded statement such as ‘it’s what they want’ should not be underestimated. However, when co-parenting, a child’s comments should not be weaponised. I think that this was the element that got to me the most.
Children in these arrangements will say things about the absent parent with some frequency but I feel that it is the present parent’s job to reinforce the position of the absent parent, in order to maintain some semblance of balance.
Perhaps I was niave.
What I noticed, was that as I distanced myself from the text, my physiology changed. I found myself at work, sitting at my desk but one million miles away. I had neck pain, which I realised had come from clenching my jaw so hard. I was holding my breath for long periods. Most worryingly, I had chest pain that lasted for about two days.
Immediately I took action and instigated some self-care.
Deep breathing was step one, follwed by visualisation. Every breath, as it went in, relaxed a muscle. Clean air worked into the tissues and removed the toxins.
The chest pains stopped.
I exercised more. Upped my cardio in order to become correctly fatigued, through excersion, rather than through stress. I took back control of my biggest asset; me.
I have drawn a line in the sand.
I deceided that if I did not take action now, I would forever be at the mercy of the another person. I took the decision to formalise arrangements. It wasn’t an easy decision and it’s far from perfect timing. In fact, Christmas funds have been diverted into mediation. But a single, deciding point kept coming back to me;
If not now, when?
I’ve been quiet. I’m sorry.
The rules have changed and I’m in the process of seeking legal help.
Whilst there’s no good time to do this, now is a really bad time.
It’s also necessary.
When I have the energy I’ll write about it as objectively as I can.
Whilst I’m emoted and have a taste of fire in my mouth, the keyboard stays silent.
Every day, find a reason to smile; counting your blessings is the best way.
The centenary of armistice is upon us.
I write this 100 years to the day, of the end of the great war. The war to end all wars. From an early age I was brought up to respect the 11th day of the 11th month. It’s importance indelible in my memory as my parents gently introduced me to the futility of the human condition.
I’ve eased the cubs into some sort of recognition of events, sparing them the sheer volume of life lost not just in the great war, but in the following war and subsequent conflicts. There’s so much to unravel in there but there’s no rush.
Eldest, at 8 year’s old has a good understanding. The school has done a good job there. For her part, she took things into her own hands when she began to take on in-depth, self learning about Mary Seacole. She became inspired.
On friday, four of the local schools came together to pay their respects at the principal church in our town. It’s a majestic, ornate building, that I had only ever driven past. It dates back to the time of the civil war and the Reverend delighted the gathered children with a story of how a cannon had been placed atop the church to fire upon a nearby castle. Collective gasps echoed.
He then pointed out that the ceiling was adorned with symbols from the Islamic faith, delighting in his house of worship’s multi-cultural appeal.
The school children were given pride of place in the front pews duly shepherded by respective teachers. They were bursting with energy
Parents were welcomed and as I had the day off, I wouldn’t have dreamed of being anywhere else. Of course, I broke protocol, went over and made sure that she knew I was in attendance, before taking my seat at the back.
A headteacher took the reigns and began proceedings. Calling the schools up one by one, the children paid their respects in different ways.
Cub’s class got up and expressed themselves, to music. With the odd monologue thrown in for good measure. One soliloquy punctuated the passing of a giant poppy and they were done. I was up and applauding; Eldest cub delivered her lines beautifully and projected across the 400 strong audience, wearing and wielding her poppy with pride.
Eldest’s Brownie Pack has been asked to lead a procession from the local church to the war memorial.
The pack, church and memorial are all in the village where we used to live and next door to the cub’s school. We awoke early to make sure they were both properly fed and looking smart.
Daddy made the effort too, with very shiny shoes.
The Brownies had the first two rows; the Scouts on the opposite side. The church, more compact than friday’s affair but full nonetheless. I had my concerns about youngest cub. Whilst he’s lively, he’s also quite well-behaved; but I had concerns about the two minute’s silence.
As it transpired, I did my boy a disservice.
A smartly turned out gentleman behind us, with his equally attired family walked forwards to read the names of local servicemen who had passed in both conflicts. His wife kept hold of twin girls, aged about 5.
As dad began to read, the girls began to giggle. Then chuckle; then laugh aloud. Mum tried her best to quiet them but they were having none of it. Dad pressed on, his disdain etched on his face.
Youngest cub, standing on the pew to oversee proceedings turned to look at them, gave a long stare, before looking at me and shaking his head. Mum ushered the girls out of the church.
A second of judgement rushed into my head, before I remembered where I was and dismissed it.
The moment was upon us. The last post played and as the bugle fell silent, so did the congregation.
Youngest became a statue, to the point that he physically jumped when the bugle broke the silence. I gave him a big hug and kissed his forehead.
We walked the short distance to the local memorial. Youngest couldn’t believe his luck as we got to walk down the middle of the road, hand un-held. We are spoilt by the weather. It’s unseasonably warm and it’s bright. Earlier, the heavens had opened.
Having young children, we took pride of place near the front. We read another short sermon before the last post played again. This time, youngest smiled and nodded at me, showing that he knew what to do.
Giggles breakout. It’s the usual suspects. Their dad is glaring..
The bugle blows on.
Brown Owl had given youngest a crucifix with a poppy on it to place on the memorial. We watch everyone else before taking our turn. We begin well but the sense of occasion begins to get to him. He clings to my leg and buries his head in my thigh.
We press on, to compassionate sighs from the crowd and cameras snapping. He begins to fold, but I steady his had, and we place the crucifix together. A respectful departure from the memorial is nigh on impossible with the level of entanglement but we give it a go.
As the service ends and we depart, several couples say how proud I should be of my children.
I think my face said it all.
Ps, extra stars all round, chocolate and a brief spell in the park showed my appreciation.
I haven’t done one of these for a while, but eldest was on form again.
It’s a thursday catchup as we haven’t seen each other in a few days. The darker nights and the motion of the car tend to be the gentlest lullaby for youngest cub, who is asleep before we hit the main roads. His sister is in full flow.
‘So dad…’ she begins
‘I’ve been thinking about Egypt a lot as we’ve been studying it in school. We talked about the great pyramids of Giza and the curse of the mummy’s tomb. Do you believe in the curse?’
No; I tend to…
‘I don’t believe in the curse. I think it was, wait for this, you’ll like this one; bacteria!’
I’m impressed. Do continue..
‘Well; my friend and I are now scientists who don’t believe in God’
Wait a minute; you go to a Church of England School. You pray every day.
‘I don’t really pray any more; I just think’
Ah so you reflect?
‘No; I just think about things that have happened recently….’
Well it’s fine to challenge beliefs darling; I encourage you to take nothing at face value but, be prepared to come up with an argument, both for and against. And be prepared to respect the views of others, without being dogmatic.
‘That sounds like a lot; I’m only 8. Anyway, a dead body locked in an almost air tight building is bound to generate some bacteria. Either that, or the bodies were coated in something that we can’t detect, that became airborne during the course of decomposition. Once the tomb was disturbed, the entrance of new air caused a reaction and the bacteria was breathed in. Boom’
Are you sure you’re only 8?
‘I told you; I’m a scientist.’
‘What would happen if the Universe shrunk?’
It depends on how quickly it happened; we probably wouldn’t notice. It could be shrinking now.
‘I don’t believe in aliens. Little things running around out there’
Well it’s hard to discount other life forms. The Universe is infinite, and expanding.
Definitely not shrinking. It’s still expanding from the big bang.
‘How many other galaxies do you know?’
Just Andromeda. I think. I’ll have to check when we get home. Think about this; each star that you can see in the night sky is probably a sun. Each of those suns could, potentially have planets orbiting around them. Any one of those planets in the Goldilocks zone, could support life similar to ours. Now imagine this; all the stars that we can see, in the expanse of the sky above us, are a fraction of the stars out there. For scale, it’s not even equivalent to me placing a pea in our garden, but we can only see one-quarter of the pea. To travel to the other side of that pea, would take millions of light years; do you know what a light year is? It sounds like a measurement of time but it’s actually a measure of distance. It’s the distance that light can travel in a year. Light travels at 186,000 miles, per second. PER SECOND. Times that by the number of seconds in a year.
What do you think of that?
‘My friend at school said he rode his dad’s motorbike down the road one night. I don’t think that’s true’
‘Do you believe in mythical creatures?’
I’m a fan of cryptozoology, which is the study of mythical creatures. My favourite was Bigfoot, but you have the Loch Ness monster amongst others.
Yeah; why not.
‘What was so good about Bigfoot?’
Strangely, it was the most plausible of all of the stories, and there was video footage.
‘I’ve seen it; do you believe it?’
No; not really. There’s not enough strong evidence. Where are the bones of the deceased? hair samples? scat?
Scat. Poo. It’s what you look for as evidence of existence. It can tell you loads.
‘I don’t like the sound of that. Maybe it poos out of the other end?’
Which other end?? It’s head?
‘Yes. It could all build up inside and then come out later’
I’m not sure you’ve thought that one through. It would still have to come down and hit the floor.
‘Not for a while though. That’s probably their secret’
Not being around the cubs 24/7. They spend the majority if the time with their mum. This is tough.
I read a twitter post from a single dad a while back where he admitted that he broke down in tears the first time they went away and stayed with their mum. I really felt for him. I also immediately wondered if I should have felt more when they first went?
Solipsistic thoughts aside, I realise that in this situation I have been quite fortunate. Although things aren’t a bed of roses between me and the ex, she’s stayed local and realises the importance of me being active in the cub’s lives.
I adore them; I really do. They are everything and I’ve always tried my hardest to build and maintain a strong relationship with them. It’s good for all of us.
The difficulty comes when you start to see the values of the other partner enacted in the cub’s behaviour.
We have differences. Obviously. If we didn’t or they weren’t insurmountable, we’d still be together.
We have; they are and we aren’t.
As parents, we always think we’re right, right? We sometimes find ourselves looking at other parents in scorn. We might not always say something, but we think it.. ‘You don’t do it like that…’
Well when a family splits, you can’t help but judge the other parent in the same way. I try not to.
But some times….
I’m a values based individual; sometimes it can be my undoing.
I can turn off something or someone if they don’t share my values. My principles guide my actions and it tends to be a golden thread in my life. I struggle with those that don’t. I don’t understand them, or what drives them. That can be an issue.
I see my job, as dad, to teach and guide. I prepare the cubs for a future in an uncertain world.
A world which, despite Trump, Brexit and emerging far right threats is a lot better than it was a generation ago.
That said, some things don’t change; determination, fortitude and a positive mental attitude will overcome most obstacles. So will knowledge of self-worth. Never, ever, sell yourself short, nor let anyone undervalue you.
Early days I know, but have a plan.
They’re too young, so it’s our job to keep them on the right path. Respect for others, humility and honesty are rewarded, as is telling the truth. My daughter gets it and there have been several, teary confessionals. More often than not, she’s been rewarded for that honesty, or at least not punished as much. My son, well that’s work in progress.
Here’s the challenge.
They learn so much more from what we do, than what we say. Not only do they pick up on the incongruous but they will mimic whatever it is that they see. I’ve written about this before, but our children are the mirrors that we hold up to ourselves.
Make sure you like what you see.
Hail to you, you budget conscious, spontaneous, disorganised and lazy shopper, who without you putting tomatoes back in the DIY section of the supermarket, because you’ve spotted a jigsaw at a bargain price, I would forget half of what I went shopping for.
I’m a Godfather! and I’m so very happy.
A dear friend and work colleague’s daughter, whom I’ve known since she was a baby, has asked me to be the Godfather of her first child, a beautiful daughter. I was both humbled and honoured by the request and accepted gladly.
They live near my old stomping ground, just over an hour’s drive away. The journey provides a good opportunity for a discussion with the cubs.
I explain the concept to them both. Youngest, unconcerned with my happiness is more concerned with the replica snake, which he has somehow managed to smuggle into the car. (He’s in smart clothes and has been patted down. My game is obviously off..)
Eldest, is listening intently and joining the dots.
‘But you already have me..’
She’s not replacing you.
‘Do you have to do anything, in general?’
It’s about spiritual guidance
No not ghosts. You go to a Church of England School. More the Holy Ghost.
‘So ghosts then?’
Ok Ghosts. It’s more about taking care of her spiritual upbringing, should anything happen to her parents.
She’s silent. That can only mean one thing; the processor is in full tilt.
She eventually looks at me.
‘So how many people have to die for me to get a sister?’
Well, if it’s down to me and your mum, every other person on the planet, I think but not say. I chuckle to myself anyway.
We hit traffic; I’m worried about the snake charmer. He’s not long out of nappies and is still prone to the odd accident. He’s 4, so I don’t expect miracles. Journeys such as these are now bookended by toilet breaks.
He assures me that he’s ok.
In all honesty, the drive is taking twice as long as it should, and I could do with a …. break myself. The cubs are starting to unravel. Not prone to ‘are we there yet?’, they begin to ask.
SatNav is rarely my friend and it chooses today to renew our ill blood. Even with the contingency time I built-in, we may be late. I call my friend, who directs me to the Church, and into a parking space outside. Thankfully, I text them when I left home, so they got a sense of the traffic issues.
We all walk in.
Key players are in the front pews. It’s an intimate service; family and a few friends. The cubs are loving it. Eldest has been tasked with holding the Christening presents. Youngest, has energy to burn. He spots a play area off to the left. It’s immediately embargoed. My mistake..
Whilst the Vicar is delivering the sermon, I notice something unusual on her cassock. I can’t, quite, make it out. It looks brighter in one square patch. Within that square patch appears to be a shape. I look a bit harder. I think it’s a picture of some description.
What in the world…
It appears to be a T-Rex.
The Reverend catches me looking at her robes. I look up and catch her catching me. Without losing her stride, she looks across to my son, who is shining his prized, dinosaur slide show miniature torch directly onto her.
My pat-down game is way off. He’s allowed into the play area.
Post Service, we have a buffet at the local public house. The Jurassic incident went unnoticed by most and my blood pressure is almost back to normal.
Across a couple of tables I noticed the wife of a friend. I haven’t seen her in a while so we smile at each other. Even though it’s October, it’s unseasonably warm and she’s wearing a lovely, flowing maxi dress. As I’m smiling at her, I tilt my head in curiosity. I reinforce the tilt with a congruous gaze. I head over.
Ooh I say! Looks like you guys have some good news!
‘Eh?’ she replies, slightly confused.
I make some eye gestures at her bump.
‘Oh….. no. I’ve just had a few too many pizzas and pies over the summer….’
What felt like a month later, but was actually a split second, youngest cub ran past, dropped some sweets and bent down to pick them up, exposing a poo stain that went up his back.
Thank you Jesus.
I scooped him up, made my excuses and left.
Best Christening I’ve ever attended.
At 8 years old, my daughter has been called the n-word.
I received a phone call at work from the ex this week, she was in tears.
Our daughter was minding her own business playing in the playground when all of a sudden one of the boys she was playing with lashed out.
Her phone call was quickly followed up by a phone call from school; it was my daughter’s form teacher.
Her voice was trembly as she told me what happened. Most of the conversation was taken up by her assuring me of how seriously the school take such things and how they had dealt with this situation robustly.
I thanked her for the phone call and asked her to arrange meeting between both sets of parents. At this response, her voice trembled even more. She promises to call me back. She doesn’t.
I get up from my desk open the office door and go for a walk. I need to clear my head, calm down and think clearly.
From very early on I’ve tried to make my daughter self-aware. Where we live she, in fact we, are a visible minority. For this very reason I have spent years growing her self belief and the knowledge that she is worthy and can achieve anything
It appears to have worked. She reported the incident to the teachers before returning to what she was doing. The boy was removed from play, his parents were called and they removed him from school for the day.
We were eventually offered a meeting the next day with the parents and the headteacher. I declined stating that I need to put a couple of days between the incident to allow me to calm down and also do some damage control.
After school we sat her down for a talk. We asked her what happened and to explain in her words. She did and we listened.
She told us she didn’t really know what the word meant but she’d read it in a book and knew that it wasn’t very nice, and that’s why she told the teachers. I gave her the biggest hug that I could, told her she’d done the right thing and that I was proud of her.
She began to tell me that he’d only called her that name because he was angry. I stopped her. I explained that no one has the right to lash out and call anybody any names or inflict physical damage because they are angry. That is not a justification. People should learn to control themselves. He is young, he is learning, but the rules apply.
This is such an important lesson for children to learn. Words, actions, have consequences.
We received a contrite email from the boy’s mother. She was very apologetic, explained that he didn’t know what the word meant, they don’t use that kind of language at home, and that he picked it up on YouTube.
I couldn’t help but observe some parental choices. She’d read it in a book; he’d heard it on YouTube I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
Big cub is fine. After we had the conversation, she spent more time telling me excitedly about the football match that she was playing in tomorrow. She was playing in midfield against some other schools. I assured her that I would be there to watch.
Her mum and I, will take a little longer to recover. For us this is the end of the age of innocence. We knew that they would come up against this kind of discrimination and hatred but we had no idea how soon it would happen. I, have been preparing her for a long time by positively reinforcing images of people and women that look like her, making sure that she knew the struggles they went through, what they enjoyed, and what they achieved despite this. I’m so glad I did.
As you know, the cubs and I almost always have porridge for breakfast.
This day was a bit different. The wake up and shake up had taken too long and as such, we were slightly behind schedule.
Against my better judgement, I changed our breakfast menu. I do have alternatives to porridge; 2 packets of Rice Crispies (poor stock management) and a packet of Honey Hoops. They’ve been there a while, as I’ve said, we all prefer porridge.
Ok, confession time; my poor stock management included not shopping for more porridge in time, so I was left with a portion that wouldn’t satisfy anyone.
I duly dished up 3 bowls of honey hoops which we all hurriedly ate. Very sweet, was my only real thought.
Once finished, off we all went.
Youngest cub is now at big school so there’s only one drop to do. I go to work at hit my desk 15 mins later.
I catch up with my office chum, who’s been on holiday for a bit. She’s left a small, LCD projector on my desk as she couldn’t get it to work. She asks me to check it. I do; it works. I mock her mercilessly. I start to pack the projector away.
Inexplicably, I drop the projector under her desk. I pick it up; check it still works, then pack it away.
A little while later, she’s bringing me up to speed on office matters (I’d been away for 2 days) and I take the opportunity to clean my glasses.
Clumsily, I drop them on the floor. She stops mid sentence and asks if I’m ok..
I’m gonna grab a coffee; want one?
Finishing my coffee at my desk, I stare at my dual screens. I can’t concentrate. I take my glasses off and rub the bridge of my nose.
“You are not right; what gives?”
God alone knows but she’s right. I feel so out of kilter I can’t explain how I’m feeling. I do know however, that working is the last thing on my mind.
“Have you not had breakfast?” she asks.
It hits me.
I had a bowl of Honey Hoops…..
“What?? you my friend are having a sugar crash!”
Nail on the head. Eureka. Epiphany. That sugary, carb nonsense that I’d substituted my normal high fibre, high protein breakfast for had turned around and bitten me in less than 2 hours of eating it.
My mind immediately went to my cubs. If a bowl had that affect on my massive frame, what the hell would it do to their tiny bodies? The effect on my coordination and concentration was huge.
Nationally (globally?) there has been an unprecedented increase of behavioural disorders in young people and children.
Just how much of it is down to the modern diet?
There are now 3 packs of serial in my bin.