Gingerbread men; all over again.

With the memory of our last escapade behind her, my daughter and I have ventured into the kitchen again. She’s been asking since Thursday if we can bake together; a request I couldn’t refuse. We opted for gingerbread men.

It was gorgeous today. The colloquial term is an Indian Summer, meaning that we had unseasonably warm temperatures so I took us all off to the play-park where we used to live.

It elicits mixed emotions but good ones on the whole. The village itself is bucolic  perfection and the play-park is in keeping. It was full of young families who had a similar thought process to me.

On the way home we stopped off at the supermarket to pick up a few items for the bake. Then back to the corner shop for some that I’d forgotten. I really should make lists again.

Back home, the Kindle HD was fired up and ‘Gingerbread’ tapped into the search engine. Good old BBC Food came up first, so they got the honour.

My son was happy on a chair in the kitchen watching the proceedings, no doubt eagerly awaiting the end result.

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Regulars (I have regulars!) will remember me saying that I needed to buy some extra bits in order to bake successfully a while back. Well I still need to buy them.

There was more than a little ‘At mum’s house we have that…’ which I duly ignored. Golden Syrup was subbed with honey and the imaginary scales that I was certain I had failed to materialise, so much was done by sight.

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At this point, I realised that things weren’t going well but we pressed on…

I quickly learnt that flour doesn’t stick to a pint glass and a pint glass is a poor substitute for a rolling pin. No matter; onwards.

The cookie cutters became moulds, as this hateful mess refused to go anywhere I wanted in it’s entirety. The cubs were pretty happy though as they got the job of cleaning the utensils and mixing bowl.

In the oven they went.

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Out the oven they came.

Yes. I even added some chocolate chunks for buttons and eyes, or a groin and shin judging by the previous photo. Now was the hard bit; sit and wait for 10 minutes before decorating…

Before we go any further, I realise that the cutters are cutters and not moulds but the viscosity of the mixture was such that I was on to a loser. Into the oven they went.

With the cubs waiting with baited breath, I made my move to seperate man from mould.

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They crumbled and so did she. Cue tears.

15 minutes later I had managed to rouse a do-or-die spirit within her and back she came to decorate. Her brother and her sharing the stool and eating more than they decorated but hey; that’s the point isn’t it.

I really need to go shopping.

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BSD

Parent life

06:45, weekday morning:

  • Minimal signs of life
  • Dissent
  • Progress only visible via time-lapse camera. 

06:33, weekend morning:

  • Both awake
  • Standing over sleeping daddy
  • Prodding face
  • Tiny fingers prising adult eyes open. 

I’m knackered. 


BSD

Honesty 

Always the best policy. 

I picked the cubs up after to work today. The order was reversed as I was in the north of the county so daughter was first, followed by son. 

I walked into after-school club and she was sitting alone on a sofa. This is quite unusual for her as she is normal a social being and would normally be in the midst of her friends. 

She turned and saw me; and immediately I could tell, all was not right. She moved to the middle of the seat, hugged me and burst into tears. 

Through the sobs

Her school has a reward system called ‘Golden Time’, which is awarded to children for good behaviour. They collect tokens throughout the day which gives them time back to do something they like. If they’re well behaved throughout the whole term, they get a certificate. Since starting school 3 years ago, she’s never missed one. She parades them like a badge of honour. 

Today, she had lost her entitlement to Golden Time. 

A minor idescretion had led to it; she was inconsolable. 

Rebuilding 

We hugged; a lot. Then we talked.  

We discussed mistakes and how important it is to make them. We then talked about the importance of learning from them so that we could avoid them in the future. 

I also told her that I make mistakes quite often. That seemed to do the trick. 

The assistants at the club were concerned that something had happened whilst she was under their care as she had been ok up until the moment I arrived. 

She’d been holding on to these feelings for most of the day before they finally exploded into full blown tears.

 

Thinking

I was reassured that despite all the inner turmoil she’d put herself through before I arrived, she’d confided in me completely as soon as she saw me. 

This level of trust is critical; I need her to come to me regardless. Communication and compassion above all else. 

BSD 

This is playing on my mind…

TV is full of it; timelines are full of it; my mind is full

I think I’ve been naive, and maybe I still am.

I’m talking about male predation and sexual assault/inappropriateness/harassment.

Just grab ’em by the *****

You get the picture.

It scares me and angers me all at once that men in a position of power (real or perceived) think that they can act however they want or take whatever they want; to feel that entitled and beyond reproach that they try to impose their will on others, by force if necessary.

  • It scares me as a father of a young girl;
  • It scares me as a father of a young boy;
  • It angers me as a man and a human being.

Understanding

The psychologist in me seeks to understand the behaviour of individuals in all cases but I will admit to a fog of anger descending when I hear such stories.

A close friend of mine told me one such story recently. She conveyed it in a jovial, almost dismissive way, stating that if she didn’t laugh, she would cry. After a couple of full paragraphs from her my only response was ‘Jesus…’

She relayed a little more and my response was the same; ‘Jesus’

Sensing my shock, she then gave me another couple of examples of men taking advantage and this time, she ended the story with

ask any woman you know..

I didn’t need to.

I had heard stories historically but somehow I’d managed to box them off as individual incidents in my mind.

Now I was joining the dots and I could feel anger rising inside me.

Not just high profile

I’ll be honest; I don’t know what to write next.

I want to talk about self-defence. I’m a martial artist and for a long time, I’ve been an advocate of everyone learning to defend themselves, especially women. But then I ask myself

‘Why should you have to?’

I’ve deleted more than I’ve written (mostly expletives) so I’ll go here. I can’t fix the world but I want to prepare my cubs for it whilst protecting their innocence.

For my son

How to be a man; a real man. That means being a humanitarian,  a communicator and showing respect whilst ensuring you get respected. Hearing no and understanding that and not overstepping the line in the first place. To take responsibility. Not to stand by.

For my daughter

Having the strength to say no and the courage to act* under the circumstances. To recognise what is appropriate and what is not. To be a humanitarian but to not feel responsible for the poor behaviour of others.

I don’t blog well when I’m angry.

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BSD

*this isn’t meant as criticism or victim blaming. I’m just angry.

It’s time to talk money..

I came across a definition of the difference between being poor and being broke whilst browsing yesterday; it struck a chord with me.

It was an excerpt from Rich Dad – Poor Dad  and it was this:

The difference between poor and broke is that poor is a mindset whilst broke is a temporary condition..

www.richdad.com October 2009

My first thought was ‘thank goodness I didn’t call myself Poor-Single-Dad’. Not alone for the fact that P.S.D sounds more medical. More importantly, I have never felt poor, and that is important – it’s a mindset.

Separation brings significant issues, even if you are the one that decides to call it a day, as I was in this case. Issues both physical and emotional that you just have to work through; there is no short cut. Money is a major hurdle but it is not impassable.

One home will become two and domestic finances become a sole responsibility. This can be a greater challenge if you were unaccustomed to handling finances pre-break-up.

My issue was that over the years, I became complacent. I earned well but those earnings fell behind the cost of living. If you’re lucky enough to earn well but your increments do not keep pace with inflation, this is a bullet-time recipe for bad times; the way back isn’t easy.

Take Control

Recognise the issue and even if it has crept up on you, it’s never too late to take control of your finances. Read up on monetary issues and controlling finances. I follow a lot of money minded individuals on twitter and online. Barnaby King; Debts to Riches; Tori Dunlap; Zero Day Finance; Debt Free Geek; Dirt Cheap Wealth to name but a few.

I follow these folk for two reasons:

  • Hints, tips and ideas and
  • Most of them have found themselves in fiscal hot-water historically and have dug themselves out.

Seeing that others have not only survived but actually thrived, from positions often worse than yours can serve as great inspiration and reassurance, that you can take control.

Keep an eye out for signs of stress…


Lets fix this

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Count everything

This is essential. If you weren’t doing it before, do it now. Account for absolutely everything you spend over a month or two. The outcome will surprise you. Scratchcards, Coffee, buying lunch every day will all add up.

Use an app if you have too. A quick search will give you lots of options. I use OnTrees; which is a Money Supermarket subsidiary. Other’s are available.

Once you entered the access details to all of your accounts and cards, they will track and even categorise your spending.

Cut back or earn more

Once you’ve plotted your spending, usually followed by stating ‘I spend how much on xyz??’ you need to make a decision. Are you going to cut back on certain areas or earn more money?

I’m not a great one for lavish spending. In fact i’m pretty frugal and I always have been. My issues are that I have too many liabilities and not enough assets. This is a classic way to ensure that there is a lot of month left at the end of your money. The liabilities that I have are ones that I’m keen to keep so therefore my option is to earn more.

I won’t go into money-making methods now but [hopefully] you’re reading one of mine.

If you don’t fancy pulling extra shift, pulling pints or whatever niche you find to monetise, then you’re going to have to rationalise your spending.

False loyalty

Ruthlessly got through everything. Credit cards, loans, utilities, insurance, assurance, the lot. Are you still on the best deal? Some companies have a funny habit of penalising loyalty so shop around, don’t just renew blindly. It’s not hard to do and there are a lot of comparison sites out there that are perfect to mull over whilst you’re having a coffee.

You may seem like you’re moving things around for the sake of pennies but mark my words these little changes will add up.

Budget and discipline

This can be the hardest element to control. By the middle of every month, I have laid out my income and outgoings for the next month. I look at the last two months and decide on how much ‘slush’ I have. This is set aside for non-essential elements.

Again, there are apps out there that will package this all up for you. I’ve tried a few but found them difficult to stick with. By the time I’d edited, tampered and corrected the entries I was better off creating something myself. Personally I use an excel spreadsheet which does the job just as well.

Once you have a budget, discipline yourself to stick to it. It might seem hard at first but the results are worth it.

I recently stumbled on the 50-20-30 rule whilst virtually thumbing Forbes.

  • 50% of your income should go on living expenses and essentials;
  • 20% should go on financial goals such as debt reduction or savings;
  • 30% should go on flexible spending; things you don’t need.

It’s not easy. Once I’d put these percentages on my weekly spreadsheet I saw how out of kilter things were.

If you have debt such as credit cards, make sure you pay these off first. Snowball if you have to by paying off the most costly debt first.

Treats

Otherwise what’s the point?

An endless slog, or something that feels like it, is usually doomed to failure, unless you have steely focus and military like discipline.

Plan your treats. Whether its a take-away once a month or a foreign holiday once a year the further you can plan ahead and break costs down the better it will be. Obviously I’m talking about the holiday here rather than a takeaway – if you have to plan ahead for a takeaway you may be spending too much on it.

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Planning ahead also gives you something to look forwards to, and occasional rewards should keep you on track.


Finally

Don’t despair. There are real problems lurking out there and trust me, money isn’t one of them. If you have your mental and physical health, you can achieve most things.

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BSD

None of this post is sponsored. Links are to external sites. Twitter folk have no idea I’ve written about them (it’s all complimentary).

When you’re going through hell…

Keep going.

Winston Churchill

This time last week

Last week I let you in on the peripheries of some tough times I was facing. I purposely didn’t go into detail but there was enough vague information to give you the general idea. I was under it.

At times like that it’s hard to imagine a way out. It’s hard to imagine things will ever be good again and it’s hard to see positives.

Somehow, I managed to keep my head. I made a conscious effort not to succumb to any ‘all is lost‘ feelings but rather to believe that things will work out for the best. I quite literally, relaxed and essentially did nothing. It was the hardest thing I [haven’t] done in my life.

How

I did other things. I forced myself to feel positive; I prayed a little more, specifically for an answer, although at the time I didn’t know what that answer was. I asked the Universe for an answer again, not knowing what that answer was. I wonder how many of you I just lost…

I also sang this quite a bit..

There will be an answer;let it be.

This time this week

All has changed.

Actually, they had changed by the middle of the week. Out of the blue and with no prompting from me, I received an official letter that changed everything. It proved to be the catalyst that kicked off a chain of events that will change everything.

It also increased my positivity and my positive outlook, which again gained momentum to help me see more ways to tackle my issues.

It’s the best feeling in the world.

And the moral of the story

Whatever you’re going through, have faith that you will come out the other end.

It doesn’t have to take belief in God or the Universe; just belief in yourself to find a way through your struggles.

Your answer will come.

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Ps. Life will always throw poo at you; you just have to either dodge it or catch it and throw it back!

As we speak i’m writing this on my older, back-up laptop, as my (old) primary laptop is having an identity crisis, taking all my passwords and other stuff with it. I’ve asked the Universe for a new one..

BSD

 

Halloween is here…

This morning’s drive in;

‘Dad; my friend and I found a dead butterfly in the playground yesterday’

Did you? What type was it?

‘I don’t know, but we took a wing each and threw the body into the hedge…’

Lord help me. 

BSD

We will get to the truth…

So what was your favourite part of the school day?

‘After school club’

Ok (trying to get to a favourite subject) What about during the day? What was your favourite part of the day?

‘Lunch’

Gives up. 

Also on the way home

Boris Johnson on the radio from the Conservative conference; 

“COME ON PEOPLE! ITS TIME TO BE BOLD!”

‘BOLD!? But Dad; I like my frizzy hair!’

BSD

Shifting paradigms 

Apology

If you know what a paradigm is; it’s a great word and I like using it. It’s appropriate today. This weekend has been pretty tough and I’m chalking it down to a co-parenting fail.

We seem to be in a push/pull groundhog day where I feel that I’m losing out. Official decisions, external influences etc. have log jammed into a head fug that gives the feeling of skiing uphill.

Settled situations appear on a horizon that can’t be reached but yet, I’m still optimistic.

I still, have so much to be grateful for:

  • The cubs – love eternal
  • A roof over my head – warm; dry; safe
  • Food in my cupboards – work in progress…
  • The ability to earn more – thanks to my health and determination.

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Reality

I don’t care who you are; we are all fighting an unseen battle. There are so many cliches out there such as ‘Walk a mile…’ ‘The night is darkest before the dawn…’ ‘Every winter has it’s spring..’ (I actually quite like winter) and they all ring true.

Change your mind and change your situation. Another cliche and I recognise that this doesn’t work if you are clinically depressed; that’s a special situation that can benefit from professional intervention but for anyone else, shift your paradigm.

How

  • Get a good night’s sleep – no problem was ever solved by worrying
  • Eat well – fuel yourself for what you face; ditch the junk
  • Exercise – if you have your health you have everything
  • Break it down – your issues; biggest and most important first. If they’re stacked up it will seem like you’re in the foothills of Mt Everest. If you’re not sure which is the biggest issue, figure which one will cause the most harm if you don’t tackle it
  • Create milestones – and celebrate small victories
  • Give yourself a break – no-one can keep going all the time
  • Win/win or no deal – back to the 7 Habits; there doesn’t have to be a loser

Whatever you do and whatever you’re going through: DO NOT GIVE UP.

“Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” – Bruce Lee

BSD

Daily prompt – Witty

The bell sounds. After shaking hands he moves on, then sits. 

‘Hello’

‘Hi! It’s good to finally see some top talent here; I was beginning to think I was the only one! I hope you’re a fan of witty anecdotes and life stories as all your prayers are about to be answered!’

‘So, how long have you been single…?’

‘If you count up until 30 seconds ago, 17 years!’

In response to the Daily Prompt Witty
BSD