“So dad; what’s your favourite story? I like Fox in Socks!
“What’s yours?”
Jack the Giant Killer
“So what’s that about then?”
BSD
Ps, yes, I know the title has nothing to do with the story whatsoever
I love you more than ice cream.
You make your bed.
A few weeks back..
I took the cubs to a new park. It was the start of the really good weather so we walked. I want them to get more exercise so a 4 mile round trip should make bedtime smoother.
On the way they were as good as gold. Proper respect for the road and in good spirits. We make 2 miles in good time.
The park is beautiful. Part manicured lawns, flower beds and an aviary. We take some time to look at the birds.
Contraptions
A lot of public parks now have rudimentary exercise equipment in them; this one is no different. They kind of resemble what you see in gyms but slightly more weather and wear resistant. My two love them, so I sit back and let them burn some more energy.
As is also usual for public spaces, there were some bigger boys and girls around. Too old for parks, but too young for bars; puberty purgatory before adulthood, raging hormones included.
Their language is a little raw so we move off. There are some more traditional apparatus for the cubs.
In a gated area sits some new challenges. A higher climbing frame that will test her, a rope walk and a rope swing onto a cargo net. All good confidence builders.
We get stuck in.
Not alone
As you’d expect, there are other families around. Kids aged from about 3 to 10 years old. They’re all jolly.
My two hit the rope and cargo net; a queue builds. My eldest helps her brother by passing him the rope. He pauses, then swings into the net. Since I didn’t tell him to let go, he swings back to his starting position.
His sister shows him how its done, passing the rope back before scrambling over the top, commando style. He’s still on the bottom and duly hands the rope to the next waiting kid. She looks about 5, and helicopter mummy is very near by.
She swings with all her might, before my youngest can get clear. She sends him tumbling.
He rolls, gets up, dusts himself down, looks at her then looks at me. I offer some reassuring words.
The little girl looks at her mum: ‘I’M NOT SORRY!’ she shouts to her. I’m a little taken aback. Her mum puts a hand on her shoulder. ‘I’M NOT SORRY!’ she shouts again.
I’m kneeling now, giving my cub the once over. My [not so] poker face looking at mummy, and daddy, who was feet away sitting on a bench, who say nothing.
Not wanting to serve time, I decide that to roundhouse women and brats is not a valid option.
‘I’m alright daddy!‘ he says, before waltzing off to join his rapidly advancing sister, who appeared to be on her way to level the playing field. I intercept her, United Nations style.
The mum glanced back, pathetically, as she took her brat to another apparatus. The brat was still indignant.
Stimulus/response
As they walked away, my anger turned to pity. I watched with interest the interpersonal relationship between mum, dad and daughter. I surmised that she was an only child. I also made the assumption that they had struggled to conceive and because the physical manifestation of the everyday miracle was now living and breathing, they were so thankful that she could do no wrong. A huge leap I know, but that child ruled both adults.
Kids have accidents; that’s fine and to be expected. The fact that she vocalised her lack of remorse, and did so unapologetically, told me that this was the norm for her. This was how she behaved at home and that behaviour went unchallenged.
You reap what you sow
The pity in this situation is that at some point in this child’s life, she will meet a situation or person that won’t indulge her. If she’s really unlucky, it won’t be until she’s an adult; the universe has a way of doing that. My daughter would have sped that process up if I’d let her but I’m a good parent.
All 3 of them lose in this scenario. If you don’t set boundaries as parents when they’re small, you won’t be able to do it when they’re adolescents and respect will be a mere concept.
So proud of my two.
BSD
Resilience
I see my hidden goal
As ensuring that my nurturing turns strong children turn into strong adults. I try to do this in the most subtle ways possible, taking every opportunity to reinforce subtle lessons with real life examples.
I don’t think I’m doing anything out of the ordinary, but I am conscious of who my cubs are, and how the world may view them as adults.
Inequalities
Over here we’ve finally had some solid data on pay differentials. Industry was compelled by the government to post pay grades, gender percentile and other qualitative data that basically, didn’t look good.
On average, women are paid less; people of colour are paid less. Not looking good.
On the plus side, my two are still in single digits age wise, and working a job isn’t what it used to be years ago. Nonetheless, I need to build my pack strong.
Her
My daughter is a brainbox. Recall, attention to detail, enquiring mind, tick tick tick. Her desire for knowledge never fails to amaze me. Remembering me promising her things could ease off a bit though…
Historically, I’ve made her make her own giant leaps; from climbing up onto a chair before she could walk to riding without stabilisers, watching her tears of frustration turn to tears of joy when she finally mastered it. Watching her realisation, that effort brings rewards.
Now, when asked ‘How did you know to do that?’ by anyone, her answer of ‘the idea was in my head’ renews my pride.
Him
He’s still only 3, so the transition out of nappies to peeing standing up ‘just like daddy’ was a great moment. All those uncomfortable, accompanied trips to the toilet served a purpose.
Goal
As parents, we ultimately do our best. We have our ideal of what we want them to be. The nature/nurture argument plays into things as does free will.
My goal is to give them both the tools to know their worth in the world; to know that the path to success is rarely straightforward and that their ultimate power, lies within.
How they use those tools will be down to them.
Shape your thinking; shape your world.
BSD
I needed that…
The break. I needed the break.
I lost my writing mojo for a little while, then I diverted my energy into getting some big projects off the ground; more about those later.
I’ve been thinking and evaluating.
Summing up what it is that is most important to me. I don’t think that this is a new thing, but more a change that has been slowly occurring over a number of months/years.
Renaissance
What do I feel like. I’m still not sure; the process is ongoing. What is certain, is that I’ve made significant progress. It’s so important to recognise progress because if you don’t, when you hit those inevitable walls, you’ll get stuck.
Walls are fine. I expect them. I accept how I’ll respond to them and that’s fine.
Walls are an opportunity to rest, place my back against them, and take time to appreciate how far I’ve come.
Once I catch my breath… push. up and over.
Ownership
I also recognise my weaknesses and I own them. They’re mine! and so is the decision to overcome or succumb to them at any given time.
Even though I hate to admit it, I have a finite amount of energy. Being middle-aged, I recognise when it’s flagging. I spread myself too thin recently; something had to give.
My saving grace, was looking back at how far I’ve come.
While you were gone
I stopped the race to zero. The reason being, I made a life changing decision that threw it all askew. I cleared all my debt, then added to it, but in a good way. A necessary way. It feels good and not at all the heavy kind of debt.
It feels good because it is part of a plan that has an end date, which is so very, very different from the creeping debt that accumulates over time.
It’s part of a plan that took time in the forming, and whilst it was hard to see how the pieces fit together initially, I had it mapped out. It’s coming together.
If you’re unhappy with a situation, you have two choices; change it or change the way you think about it.
Stay focused, expect the knocks and roll with them; learn from them then push forwards stronger than ever before.
You only ever lose when you stop.
BSD
PS, thanks for sticking with me! x
Male/female split
Nature has a way of sending subtle signs of who the cubs spend more time with.
Sunday morning in bed; the errant pair have joined me from their respective rooms.
She boots up my laptop and gets to work on a presentation of how we’re killing our planet.
He bimbles about, clasping his security blanket and foxy (the fox).
“Daddy, would you like my blanket?”
That’s very kind of you darling but I’m already under a duvet. Actually I was half out of it but covered nonetheless.
He precedes to lay it on me..
“I’ve covered your bangers for you…”
Maybe time to lay off the/ do more press ups.
BSD
Ante-climax
It’s a lovely sunny sunny day here and I’m keen to get outside.
First their rooms need to be tidied; they’re a mess. I manage to pry them out of the bath.
As I moisturise my son’s wrinkles away, I recall a find from last night.
Hey, as I went to draw the downstairs curtains, guess what walked past the window, along the road?
He paused in thought..
“Was it an antelope?”
That kind of took the sting out of my urban fox.
BSD
Well, that moment is ruined.
It’d been a good day.
He’s going to school in September so I’m determined to get him dry by then. Baring a few accidents, he’s actually been quite good.
In big boy pants all day, with a day in the garden and a trip to the park, I began to wonder.
Come bathtime, I was so pleased to see him using the toilet before getting into the shower. I gave praise where it was due.
Well done! You’ve gone the whole day without an accident! I’m so proud of you.
Naked, he leans forwards and grabs his ankles.
“Dad, can you see up my bum?”
Christ.
BSD
Down day
I think I’m exhausted, or pretty close to it.
We’re nearly halfway through the year and it has been a busy one. My writing has suffered.
It doesn’t help that I’m cramming a lot in, including learning two new skills. It means that for the most of the time, I have my head deeply buried in one type of reference medium or another. Luckily I enjoy doing that.
The cubs are on form although he’s a little under the weather. What that does do, is give the three of us the opportunity to cuddle up on the sofa and watch movies.
Never, ever underestimate the power of a down day and a cuddle. It’s almost as if I can feel my batteries recharging.
I’ve even ordered a pizza, rather than cook.
Tommorow, normal service will be resumed. I’ve discovered a new green space near us that we’re going to explore, waterproofs and picnics will be packed.
Adventure calls.
BSD
Independents day
Ok I’m back and hopefully so is my writing bug. Let’s see how this goes.
I like to teach the cubs life skills whenever I can and today was a big one; cooking breakfast.
She’s 8 next month and has shown the maturity to use kitchen knives responsibly in the past. It’s time to use the hob to make porridge.
Safety first
Sharps are one thing; flame another. She gets a thorough briefing.
- No loose clothing. We go into the reasons why, without unduly scaring her. It’s also an occasion to deliver a lesson on ‘stop: drop and roll’
- Rear rings only. I rarely use the front ones when they’re here for safety reasons. I tell her that this stops her clothing getting too close. She double checks her clothing.
- No flame until it’s needed. Just before the pot goes on.
- Long spoon. An absolute must. A belt and braces way of keeping away from the flame.
Pride
She hits the ignition; her life changes for ever.
She turns to talk to me and reach for a bowl. I stop her; keeping her attention on the job. One thing at a time.
She counts aloud as the porridge thickens. Perfection; hob off.
I help with dishing out, as the pot is heavy. (Does the coagulation of a thixotropic material proportionately increase its mass? I’ll save that one for her graduation)
Finishing touches
She added the finishing touches to my bowl; honey, nuts, banana, blueberries, cinnamon, turmeric and ginger. Her bowl was less extravagant but she nailed it (apart from the turmeric but hey; curried porridge can be a thing…)
The look of satisfaction and pride on her face is immeasurable.
‘Best porridge ever daddy?’
Absolutely.
BSD
Explanation
Nearly one year in and I’m going through the worst writer’s block I’ve ever experienced.
Normal service should return soon. Meanwhile, here’s some music.
There is no music.
BSD
broke-single-dad 