This is my eldest, showing her computer to a cat.
This is not our cat.
We have no cat.
BSD
And this
If you learn one thing; make it this.
You have the power to save a life.
Potentially anyway. Effective first aid, CPR and even simply calling for help can make all the difference when seconds count.
BSD is my alter-ego. I use him to express things that I might not be able to professionally, or just to get things off my chest. The real me knows a bit about saving lives, having dedicated over two decades to it.
CPR, Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation can greatly increase an individual’s chances of survival if administered as soon as possible after an accident or incident. In basic terms, pumping the chest and breathing exhaled air into someone else’s mouth.
Education
A debate rages in this country as to whether CPR should be taught in the national curriculum; it’s one that has gone on for ages but seems to be going unanswered. My opinion is ‘don’t wait for the state to educate you’ in what I think is one of life’s greatest skills.
From a very young age children can comprehend things such as helping someone. We’ve all heard seen those videos of a cute child calmly explaining to an emergency call handler that ‘mummy won’t wake up’ and we’ve no doubt all held our breath waiting for the sound of sirens.
There are some advocates that teach preschoolers to do chest compressions but personally I think this can be counter-productive. It’s unlikely that they will have the strength the do effective chest compressions and while something is better than nothing, I would rather that the under 5’s know the following.
- How to call the emergency services
- Where they live
and at the most,
- How to check for breathing
- How to clear an airway.
Every child will be different and some will have better language skills than others but that initial summoning of professional help is vital as seconds will count.
Once children get older, the more advanced lessons can be taught, such as DR,ABC.
- Dangers
- Response (and assistance)
- Airway
- Breathing
- Circulation.
Knowing these five things really makes a world of difference. Wound management such as controlling bleeds and infection control can also be introduced, depending on aptitude.
Learn now and remember forever
Exactly how to resuscitate people changes year on year as more information is gathered from clinical practice and elsewhere and because of that, I purposely haven’t gone into great detail on here.
My advice is this: seek out trained professionals and learn the basics. In the UK we have many providers such as St John, the Red Cross et al. Heck; I’m sure if you knocked the door of your local ambulance station they’d run through the basics with you (they are extremely busy though).
As I said earlier, I speak from experience, both professional and personal.
In his first 18 months my son suffered from a series of febrile convulsions and a full tonic/clonic seizure. It was terrifying. With everything I know the shock rendered me able to do very little, other than summon help. Thank God, our amazing ambulance service were at our door in minutes.
He’s fine now but the whole episode reinforced what I already believed; we should all get some training.
If you use it once in your entire life to save a life, then it’s time well spent.
BSD
The lessons they teach us..
Today is my birthday (relax; I don’t want anything..)
We planned to visit the local Sea-Life centre but by the time I’d managed to mobilise the cubs, it was too late. I decided that we should go for a bite to eat instead.
‘McUsual dad?’ my daughter asked. ‘Nope’ I replied, wondering if I go there more often than I think. I decided to try an american diner that I drive past every day on my way home from work.
My son was asleep almost as soon as I’d shut the car door; I guess he’s growing again.
Table manners
In and seated by a very gregarious waiter who then spent an enormous amount of time and energy attempting to de-wobble our table. Fail.
‘DAD; IS HE A SERVANT?’
‘no’
Her voice was still set to outdoor but I think he was out of earshot.
Service; eventually..
The place wasn’t overly busy but there seemed to be more managers than waiters. We eventually got served but when the food arrived, my daughter’s order was wrong. I politely refused and asked for our original request.
After a few minutes he came back ‘It’ll be about 5 minutes i’m afraid’
‘That’s fine; thank you’
After another few minutes he came back again;
‘You did say beefburger right?’
‘No; cheeseburger; please’
I hadn’t managed to convince my son of the correct etiquette of the 50% rule of waiting; he had shifted the figures to 33% and was already pushing hotdog into his face hole.
Lonely
Her food arrived and we all tucked in. It was absolutely average. The cubs were already planning dessert. Then came the wait.
We waited; and waited; and waited but still the table remained uncleared, let alone a dessert enquiry. The two managers were now having some food at the bar, talking to a 3rd member of staff.
The cubs decided that we’d had enough and that they’d rather just go home now. As the smiling waiter came over I asked for the bill.
Then we waited; and waited…
I eventually got up and put my coat on; the cubs duly followed. The waiter took the hint and rang everything up. He handed me the card machine at the gratuity screen. I hit the no button and entered my PIN. He looked disappointed when I handed the terminal back to him.
Before we walked out, he let the cubs take a balloon each from the static display.
We walked back to the car and drove home; I was already planning a tripadvisor roasting. As I did so, I must have muttered my discontent aloud. My daughter asked what was wrong, so I regaled everything that wasn’t right about our meal. She thought carefully and replied:
Well he was a very smiley person and seemed like he was the only one doing any work. He also apologised for messing up my food and was very nice to give us a colouring sheet and balloons; you probably shouldn’t be too hard on him because he looked like he was trying.
That 10% now sits heavily in my pocket.
BSD
Short one
After a half day fishing, the cubs and I kicked back for a lazy afternoon.
The day is nice, the sun is shining so I buy ice lollies as a treat for when we get home.
Having little patience, they’re asking for lollies before the keys are in the door. “Wait until after dinner; I’m cooking now”
They acquiesce and trundle off to the lounge.
Meanwhile, the heat of the kitchen gets to me; I think the unthinkable. “That’d be wrong wouldn’t it? Eating a lolly after telling them to wait?”
I use all my martial arts skill to silently open the freezer. Then the box of lollies. Then take one out. Then unwrap the wrapper. I pause appropriately, listening for footsteps. Nothing.
I take a delicious, cooling bite.
Dad; what are you doing?
Silently swallowing a whole (but miniature, thankfully) Magnum, blinking through brain freeze (maybe needing a CAT scan later) and cripplingly sensitive teeth.
“Nothing darling. Go wash your hands while daddy lies down.”
Karma.
BSD.
The lessons they learn.
I often wonder about the lessons we teach our children.
I’ve always been mindful of these and as such I’m very conscious of who I am. This is a thought that has grown over the last eight years or so as I got my head around becoming and being a parent. I had to establish an inner integrity that would manifest itself in my unconscious actions.
It wasn’t enough to act like a good person around my kids; I had to be a good person.
A while ago I was in the car park of the golden arched one taking on some empty calories. The day was warm and my windows were down. Another dad was walking briskly back to his car with his son; I could see that dad wasn’t happy. He stopped to talk to his child and the conversation went something like this:
“I’m really p***ed off with the way you behaved in there! you were an absolute f***ing embarrassment to me and if you keep it up we’ll never go there again”
Now understand this; I swear. I like to think I swear appropriately but yes I do swear. I won’t swear on this blog, because I want you to read it and I can articulate myself appropriately without the use of expletives. I will never, I repeat, never swear in front of my children whilst they are in their formative years. In my mind, this is tantamount to child-abuse.
The son in the example above was about 6 years old. I watched his face as his dad scolded him and it was a horrific mixture of fear and shame. Dad then saw me looking, gave me a look, which I returned with interest, raising him a head shake for good measure.
Understand this.
What this dad failed to understand was that to a great extent whatever action his son was displaying within that restaurant was probably learned behaviour from his most influential teacher, dear daddy himself. Our kids are a mirror of who we are and in this fine example, dad was showing the behaviours that he was berating his child for. Awesome.
Be better
The trick is this; your kids will learn from you by osmosis. Doing what you do daily and unconsciously are the things that they learn. The reason for this is simple; it’s to do with the way that all of us learn things, repetition and reward.
The repetition is the behaviour that we keep doing over and over and over…you get the picture. This could be anything; the language we use, the way we interact with a significant other or the way we treat difference in general. Our children see this behaviour as the norm and they will emulate it.
The reward can be positive or negative. Behaviours that have a positive outcome are usually repeated, whereas those with a negative outcome are avoided. Again, this is human behaviour and learning. We are wired to avoid pain, physical and emotional. If something has caused us pain historically then we will avoid anything like it in the future as long as we’ve learnt that lesson of course. So a child, learning behaviours from a parent’s unconscious actions has no idea whether these actions are good or bad, but if those actions go unpunished (in that child’s eyes) then the assumption is that they behaviour is the social norm and therefore acceptable; that behaviour is then perpetuated.
My point
My youngest cub rushed into my bedroom last week and in his broken English, he gestured me towards his room and reached for my hand. I took it and followed.
I had spent the last few occasions telling my oldest that she should make her bed in the morning once she gets out of it.
He proudly pointed towards his bed which was in a state of being made. It wasn’t perfect (it didn’t need to be) but had definitely had something done to it. He pointed to it and looked at me with a look of pride on his face. I praised him both verbally and physically, in the form of a hug.
In his broken English, he then asked for a high five; he got it.
BSD
Quality time
Bonding with my daughter
Having two cubs is amazing and I have no favourite! But as my daughter was born first, we spent a heck of a lot of time together; our bond is strong.
When we all lived together, one of her absolute favourite things to do was to catch me snoozing on the sofa, jump up next to me, scooch in and promptly fall asleep. We both found it so very comforting and even now she still likes to sleep in my bed.
She was born with hair; lots of lots of hair! She is a magic mix of ethnicity. Whilst I am of Jamaican heritage, her mum is a mix of Mauritian and Scottish which gives her the most gorgeous skin tone and thick, curly hair.
We’ve now established that if her locks aren’t combed through at least every other day they begin to knot. If it’s really left unchecked then it will matt. This is a big no no.
Over the years I’ve taught myself to do various things with her hair; I can plait, comb it; comb it then plait it. I’m thinking of starting a salon for Afro-Caribbean, Mauritian-Scottish women, but I fear it may be too niche.
I research everything I do, and I do mean everything. Where I had books on martial arts, physical training, the SAS (bloke’s staple) and nutrition, I now have books on making things out of cardboard, children’s stories and hairstyles. I love it!
New bonding
Since the split we don’t do the sofa thing so much; she’s getting too big anyway but we do bond while we do her hair. It’s not a quick routine so we have to plan these things! Our routine goes a little something like this:
- Run a bath; argue about what toys go in
- Don’t overfill bath, as we’re going to be doing some serious shower work
- Try to convince my son that we’re not washing his hair and acquiesce that he can observe from the sidelines
- Wet her hair thoroughly, using the shower then apply shampoo/conditioner
- Acquiesce and place my son in the bath, after he decides that it’s more fun in than out
- Massage her hair, finger combing any knots out gently
- Leave the shampoo in while they both try to empty the bath without using the plug hole
- Rinse thoroughly
- Convince them to get out of the bath
- The trick here is not to dry her hair fully at this point.
I kissed a lot of frogs before I got to the panacea of hair products for ACMS women.
The Shampoo
The magical properties of shea butter! natural afro-caribbean hair (and skin) is prone to dryness. I find this shampoo and conditioner really works well when allowed to sit in her hair for a while. Finger combing can really help at this stage.
Rinse thoroughly.
The Moisturiser
I’ve learned the hard way that a towel over the shoulders protects everything from the Soul Glow effect.
The Technique
Separate the hair into quarters or more. Grips and clips are handy if you don’t have hands the size of dinner plates or you have a really bad memory.
Finger comb again any knots that are still evident. Time to comb!
This comb is a multi-directional thing and easy to grip. Something else I found interestingly difficult with any amount of moisturiser; use the towel…
This part is vitally important. Do small sections of the hair at a time. Grip near the end at first to expose about an inch of hair. Comb out towards the end, both on top and underneath. The grip is to stop the pulling sensation on the scalp.
As the hair becomes more free you can work your way back towards the scalp. You’ll notice the hair falls into the most beautiful curls.
Move from section to section until it’s all combed through.
The result
Is not a pictured here! You may have noticed that I tend to use stock photos of people rather than my actual children. Objects I take are ok and you may get the occasional blurred shot or background shot but that’s it.
The whole process can take an hour or so; plaiting takes longer as this is an add on from this stage.
I find that distraction is your friend at this stage. A 90 minute movie works wonders and keeps them both static. ish.
I’ve just noticed that the headline image is a woman and boy. Oh well; you get the picture.
Click on those links and make me about £4 richer.
BSD
One week in…
And I have a head cold.
The cubs are having a great time. As I’ve mentioned before I am blessed with two, one of each, and they’re of an age where they play with each other nicely, most of the time.
You may have noticed that I haven’t blogged as much this week and that’s because I’ve discovered something new.
Single parenting can be exhausting!
It’s amazing the difference that another adult can make when it comes to chipping in, solving disputes and land grabs, prepping meals and convincing small people that whilst crisps do indeed come from vegetables, surviving on them alone is challenging.
This is probably something that I might have taken for granted previously but I’m amazingly determined. I’m also conscious not to let my frustrations and fatigue play out into a lack of tolerance with them and their behaviour. There’s a fine line between responsible parenting and being an ogre.
What happened to the groceries?
I always like to shop with them as there are endless opportunities for learning here. Some of the most important life skills necessary for adult autonomy can be learnt in the supermarket.
We take turns pushing the trolley, but after my daughter failed to successfully navigate an elderly couple a retook control.
My son has just about outgrown the kid seat in the trolley itself so he is also a free spirit on the peripheries of my control. His contribution to the visit consists mostly of placing random items into the trolley (unopened tube of Vagisil free to a good home) slam dunking fresh fruit and veg and slowly spinning, arms outstretched at the checkout.
Getting home with a good selection of food feels like a major victory but the cupboards are full. The cubs go and do their respective thing.
I cook; they eat; they play; they snack.
Dinner usually goes something like this;
- Have you finished?
- Yes;
- Can you just try a bit more veg please?
- Ok, but I only have a little stomach and that’s quite full now;
- Ok, but do eat what you can (don’t want to manifest eating disorders)
- That’s it daddy; i’m full.
- Ok. You can get down from the table.
- Thanks dad; can we have some crisps please?
Within 36 hours, full cupboards are a fond memory..
I try to mix activities to keep them challenged
Whilst my son and I were heavily involved in painting animal shapes, I let my daughter loose with one of my cameras. Her challenge was to come up with the most interesting shot she could find.
She was pretty happy with her results.
She even zoomed in to show me it’s eyes…
The only downside
My son sneezed in my face 48 hours ago. Whatever bug he had was already tuned in to my genetic code and I’m a dribbling, snotty mess.
This is only week one.
BSD
Sunday was supposed to be so good…
I had it all planned out.
It was my weekend with my cubs. We’d been a bit housebound so to stop us all getting cabin fever I’d planned a walk across the nearby fields.
My daughter had her eye on this stretch of land for a long time. It was at the edge of a football pitch and was fantastically uncultivated. Meadow grass, wild flowers, daddy height thistles and all the fauna to match.
My daughter had reliably informed me that it was the perfect environment to track down the creature that had long eluded her; the grass snake.
My daughter has found a hero (other than me of course) in adventurer/explorer/naturalist and climber Steve Backshall. She’s seen everything he’s done and hangs on his every word and that’s fine. I love nature and the outdoors and so she does too. She had earmarked this bit of land as her hunting ground.
I primed them both for the big walk on Saturday promising a picnic and some pioneering off of the beaten track.
The big day arrived
I was up at the usual 06:00 and the cubs weren’t far behind.
The problem was, they’d woken up tired. I’ve seen them like it before so we lounged on daddy’s bed for a bit and had a cuddle. My daughter then asked if we could watch a movie; my son was nodding in agreement so we watched a movie.
I must admit that I had a little snooze during the movie and felt better for it. I was also determined that we would go for a walk in the countryside.
After much prodding and persuasion I got them both washed and dressed. We had breakfast then packed my rucksack with various snacks and our raincoats; it was glorious sunshine now but rain had been forecast.
I shouldered my trusty D5000, with the intention of getting some good shots for a blog entry under the ‘Activities’ heading; the premise being that I would illustrate how quality time doesn’t have to be expensive.
Off we went.
The sun blazed down but spirits were high. Both the cubs were freerange as we made our way across the top of the pitch and up a beaten path into the meadow. Then it began.
Two stinging nettles were enough to convince my son that the safest place for him was in my arms. Instead of picking him up, I showed him how to stand on the low ones and circumnavigate the taller ones. In his defence, I wouldn’t be comfortable in 6 foot stingers so I cut him some slack. We pressed on.
5 minutes were enough to convince my daughter that she would never find a grass snake so she disengaged stealth mode to see if she could convince some other elements of nature to reveal themselves through the medium of undergrowth kicking.
I don’t remember seeing Steve Backshall kicking nature into plain sight!!
She agreed, before catching a grasshopper in her hands.
My son had run off ahead up the hill and was now proudly holding and waving something green and plastic at me. It was a cigarette lighter. The grass was tinder dry.
One daddy sprint later and disaster averted. I gave him a chocolate bar from my bag and told him not to pick things up off of the ground. We pressed on (again)
I saw my first photo opportunity in a macro of a thistle. I could foreground it with my son running up the hill behind it, blurred into the background. Genius.
I lined up me shot and pressed for autofocus before manually adjusting. The D5000 responded with the idiot bleep and the message ‘No SD card inserted…’
My daughter held up the cigarette lighter and called out; ‘Dad; I’ve found this!’
We went home.
As we entered the park to reach the main road, she found two feathers. one appeared to be from a Jay and the other from a Buzzard. She turned to me:
Best walk in the countryside ever!
Here is a photograph of my camera. That’s all I have to offer.
BSD
CONTROLLING THOSE LIMITING BELIEFS – time to stop running and start hunting. pt.4
Time to start hunting.
My inspiration; and my first plug
I was introduced to this book 10 years ago when I started going through management training. I was very skeptical at first. It’s plays quite heavily on religion and even though I was a Christian at the time (more on that paradigm shift later!) I found it quite heavy going. I was missing the point.
Move forward a decade and the pages of my copy are well thumbed, dog eared and colour coded.
I’ll try not to make this a War & Peace length post but here’s my interpretation of this bestseller
- Be proactive. (Get ahead)
Don’t wait for things to happen, make them happen! One great excerpt from this chapter is “act or be acted upon.” There have been times in my life when I’ve procrastinated myself into a needless situation. No more. I now practice Flexible Planning.
- Begin with the end in mind
You need to know where you want to end up, but not necessarily how you’ll get there. Take those first tentative steps and you’ll be surprised at what doors open.
- Put the first things first
Estimate a timeframe. How long you think it should take to achieve. Then work backwards. If I want to be achieve X in 5 years time, where do I need to be in 2.5 years? I’ll need to have achieved Y. To achieve Y in 2.5 years where do I need to be in 1 year? Where do I need to be in 6 months etc, all the way until I have an idea of what I need to do next.
Taking those tentative first steps is a little easier when you know where to plant your feet. The importance here is to be flexible! Life tends to get in the way of plans but stay focused!
- Think win/win
This took me a while to fully understand. I used to think in a binary terms of win or lose. For me to win, someone had to lose and vice versa. Wrong. This ideology placed me in direct competition with everyone and anyone and is destined to fail. It doesn’t matter how intelligent you are, how knowledgeable you are, how fast or strong you are, someone will be that little bit better than you. Read my lesson in humility here..
I now aim for win/win, or no deal. What if we work together? Imagine what we can achieve? Find others to help you reach your goal and help them reach theirs. If someone is where you want to be or doing what you want to do, learn from them! Read what they read, do what they do and if possible, move in their circles.
Don’t ever compromise your values to achieve a deal. This will not sit right with you and will be unsustainable in the long term.
- Seek first to understand then be understood
Shift your focus a little. No one is obliged to understand you. Other viewpoints exist and just because they do not align directly to yours, it doesn’t mean they are wrong.
Senator John McCain defended his then opponent Senator Barack Obama at his own Republican rally, when one of his supporters began a personal attack. What amazing strength of character. I’m a Brit by the way but I’m interested in politics and great orators.
Look to understand someone else’s viewpoint and you will understand what drives them. This involves active listening.
- Synergise
Creative cooperation. Working together to achieve more. For example, I’m involved in a number of projects outside of what was the norm for me. It has taken a lot of learning and self discipline to get where I am (I’m not actually broke!) but there is still work to do. I planned this blog for 6 months before I began it but there was only so much I could do alone. I had to jump in and then the second part of my learning could begin. I now learn from you, my fellow bloggers. I read your blogs for information, entertainment and more importantly in order to improve mine.
- Sharpen the saw
The principle of renewal and the greatest invest of all; the investment in yourself.
- Physical (exercise, nutrition and stress management)
- Social/emotional (service, empathy, synergy and intrinsic security)
- Spiritual (value, clarification and commitment, study and meditation) and
- Mental (reading, visualising, planning and writing).
Balance and clarity in these areas can help you achieve balance in life. I have prioritised or neglected all four of these at one time or another and suffered the consequences. It’s a work in progress.
Time to go and get what you really want.
Sticking to this stuff takes discipline. Mine fluctuates! When I stick to it; life works!
Don’t just take my word for it; read it for yourself.
Follow this link for a hardcopy
Or here for the audiobook
BSD
Life’s eternal question..
After being a dad for over 7 years, I don’t consider myself to be new at this; but I’m perplexed.
- Yesterday was the last day of the school term.
- Today is the weekend.
- Yesterday neither of my cubs could get themselves out of bed.
- Today they’re on my bed by 06:00.
- Yesterday they were running on empty.
- Today they have enough energy to power a medium sized farm.
- Yesterday everything made them cry.
- Today; everything is making me smile 😉
I think today will be a movie day…
BSD
broke-single-dad 