daughter – Page 6 – broke-single-dad

August 18, 2017

The lessons they teach us..

Today is my birthday (relax; I don’t want anything..)

We planned to visit the local Sea-Life centre but by the time I’d managed to mobilise the cubs, it was too late. I decided that we should go for a bite to eat instead.

‘McUsual dad?’ my daughter asked. ‘Nope’ I replied, wondering if I go there more often than I think. I decided to try an american diner that I drive past every day on my way home from work.

My son was asleep almost as soon as I’d shut the car door; I guess he’s growing again.

Table manners

In and seated by a very gregarious waiter who then spent an enormous amount of time and energy attempting to de-wobble our table. Fail.

‘DAD; IS HE A SERVANT?’

‘no’

Her voice was still set to outdoor but I think he was out of earshot.

Service; eventually..

The place wasn’t overly busy but there seemed to be more managers than waiters. We eventually got served but when the food arrived, my daughter’s order was wrong. I politely refused and asked for our original request.

After a few minutes he came back ‘It’ll be about 5 minutes i’m afraid’

‘That’s fine; thank you’

After another few minutes he came back again;

‘You did say beefburger right?’

‘No; cheeseburger; please’

I hadn’t managed to convince my son of the correct etiquette of the 50% rule of waiting; he had shifted the figures to 33% and was already pushing hotdog into his face hole.

Lonely

Her food arrived and we all tucked in. It was absolutely average. The cubs were already planning dessert. Then came the wait.

We waited; and waited; and waited but still the table remained uncleared, let alone a dessert enquiry. The two managers were now having some food at the bar, talking to a 3rd member of staff.

The cubs decided that we’d had enough and that they’d rather just go home now. As the smiling waiter came over I asked for the bill.

Then we waited; and waited…

I eventually got up and put my coat on; the cubs duly followed. The waiter took the hint and rang everything up. He handed me the card machine at the gratuity screen. I hit the no button and entered my PIN. He looked disappointed when I handed the terminal back to him.

Before we walked out, he let the cubs take a balloon each from the static display.

We walked back to the car and drove home; I was already planning a tripadvisor roasting. As I did so, I must have muttered my discontent aloud. My daughter asked what was wrong, so I regaled everything that wasn’t right about our meal. She thought carefully and replied:

Well he was a very smiley person and seemed like he was the only one doing any work. He also apologised for messing up my food and was very nice to give us a colouring sheet and balloons; you probably shouldn’t be too hard on him because he looked like he was trying.

That 10% now sits heavily in my pocket.

BSD

August 15, 2017

Short one

After a half day fishing, the cubs and I kicked back for a lazy afternoon.

The day is nice, the sun is shining so I buy ice lollies as a treat for when we get home.

Having little patience, they’re asking for lollies before the keys are in the door. “Wait until after dinner; I’m cooking now”

They acquiesce and trundle off to the lounge.

Meanwhile, the heat of the kitchen gets to me; I think the unthinkable. “That’d be wrong wouldn’t it? Eating a lolly after telling them to wait?”

I use all my martial arts skill to silently open the freezer. Then the box of lollies. Then take one out. Then unwrap the wrapper. I pause appropriately, listening for footsteps. Nothing.

I take a delicious, cooling bite.

Dad; what are you doing?

Silently swallowing a whole (but miniature, thankfully) Magnum, blinking through brain freeze (maybe needing a CAT scan later) and cripplingly sensitive teeth.

“Nothing darling. Go wash your hands while daddy lies down.”

Karma.

BSD.

August 13, 2017

The lessons they learn.

I often wonder about the lessons we teach our children.

I’ve always been mindful of these and as such I’m very conscious of who I am. This is a thought that has grown over the last eight years or so as I got my head around becoming and being a parent. I had to establish an inner integrity that would manifest itself in my unconscious actions.

It wasn’t enough to act like a good person around my kids; I had to be a good person.

A while ago I was in the car park of the golden arched one taking on some empty calories. The day was warm and my windows were down. Another dad was walking briskly back to his car with his son; I could see that dad wasn’t happy. He stopped to talk to his child and the conversation went something like this:

“I’m really p***ed off with the way you behaved in there! you were an absolute f***ing embarrassment to me and if you keep it up we’ll never go there again”

Now understand this; I swear. I like to think I swear appropriately but yes I do swear. I won’t swear on this blog, because I want you to read it and I can articulate myself appropriately without the use of expletives. I will never, I repeat, never swear in front of my children whilst they are in their formative years. In my mind, this is tantamount to child-abuse.

The son in the example above was about 6 years old. I watched his face as his dad scolded him and it was a horrific mixture of fear and shame. Dad then saw me looking, gave me a look, which I returned with interest, raising him a head shake for good measure.

Understand this.

What this dad failed to understand was that to a great extent whatever action his son was displaying within that restaurant was probably learned behaviour from his most influential teacher, dear daddy himself. Our kids are a mirror of who we are and in this fine example, dad was showing the behaviours that he was berating his child for. Awesome.

Be better

The trick is this; your kids will learn from you by osmosis. Doing what you do daily and unconsciously are the things that they learn. The reason for this is simple; it’s to do with the way that all of us learn things, repetition and reward.

The repetition is the behaviour that we keep doing over and over and over…you get the picture. This could be anything; the language we use, the way we interact with a significant other or the way we treat difference in general. Our children see this behaviour as the norm and they will emulate it.

The reward can be positive or negative. Behaviours that have a positive outcome are usually repeated, whereas those with a negative outcome are avoided. Again, this is human behaviour and learning. We are wired to avoid pain, physical and emotional. If something has caused us pain historically then we will avoid anything like it in the future as long as we’ve learnt that lesson of course. So a child, learning behaviours from a parent’s unconscious actions has no idea whether these actions are good or bad, but if those actions go unpunished (in that child’s eyes) then the assumption is that they behaviour is the social norm and therefore acceptable; that behaviour is then perpetuated.

My point

My youngest cub rushed into my bedroom last week and in his broken English, he gestured me towards his room and reached for my hand. I took it and followed.

I had spent the last few occasions telling my oldest that she should make her bed in the morning once she gets out of it.

He proudly pointed towards his bed which was in a state of being made. It wasn’t perfect (it didn’t need to be) but had definitely had something done to it. He pointed to it and looked at me with a look of pride on his face. I praised him both verbally and physically, in the form of a hug.

In his broken English, he then asked for a high five; he got it.

BSD

July 29, 2017July 29, 2017

Quality time

Bonding with my daughter

Having two cubs is amazing and I have no favourite! But as my daughter was born first, we spent a heck of a lot of time together; our bond is strong.

When we all lived together, one of her absolute favourite things to do was to catch me snoozing on the sofa, jump up next to me, scooch in and promptly fall asleep. We both found it so very comforting and even now she still likes to sleep in my bed.

She was born with hair; lots of lots of hair! She is a magic mix of ethnicity. Whilst I am of Jamaican heritage, her mum is a mix of Mauritian and Scottish which gives her the most gorgeous skin tone and thick, curly hair.

We’ve now established that if her locks aren’t combed through at least every other day they begin to knot. If it’s really left unchecked then it will matt. This is a big no no.

Over the years I’ve taught myself to do various things with her hair; I can plait, comb it; comb it then plait it. I’m thinking of starting a salon for Afro-Caribbean, Mauritian-Scottish women, but I fear it may be too niche.

I research everything I do, and I do mean everything. Where I had books on martial arts, physical training, the SAS (bloke’s staple) and nutrition, I now have books on making things out of cardboard, children’s stories and hairstyles. I love it!

New bonding

Since the split we don’t do the sofa thing so much; she’s getting too big anyway but we do bond while we do her hair. It’s not a quick routine so we have to plan these things! Our routine goes a little something like this:

Run a bath; argue about what toys go in
Don’t overfill bath, as we’re going to be doing some serious shower work
Try to convince my son that we’re not washing his hair and acquiesce that he can observe from the sidelines
Wet her hair thoroughly, using the shower then apply shampoo/conditioner
Acquiesce and place my son in the bath, after he decides that it’s more fun in than out
Massage her hair, finger combing any knots out gently
Leave the shampoo in while they both try to empty the bath without using the plug hole
Rinse thoroughly
Convince them to get out of the bath
The trick here is not to dry her hair fully at this point.

I kissed a lot of frogs before I got to the panacea of hair products for ACMS women.

The Shampoo

The magical properties of shea butter! natural afro-caribbean hair (and skin) is prone to dryness. I find this shampoo and conditioner really works well when allowed to sit in her hair for a while. Finger combing can really help at this stage.

Rinse thoroughly.

The Moisturiser

The essential step; don’t dry the hair fully then apply globs of this stuff. I’ve yet to apply to much and again, the trick is to gently massage it into the hair before leaving it to work its magic.

I’ve learned the hard way that a towel over the shoulders protects everything from the Soul Glow effect.

The Technique

Separate the hair into quarters or more. Grips and clips are handy if you don’t have hands the size of dinner plates or you have a really bad memory.

Finger comb again any knots that are still evident. Time to comb!

This comb is a multi-directional thing and easy to grip. Something else I found interestingly difficult with any amount of moisturiser; use the towel…

This part is vitally important. Do small sections of the hair at a time. Grip near the end at first to expose about an inch of hair. Comb out towards the end, both on top and underneath. The grip is to stop the pulling sensation on the scalp.

As the hair becomes more free you can work your way back towards the scalp. You’ll notice the hair falls into the most beautiful curls.

Move from section to section until it’s all combed through.

The result

Is not a pictured here! You may have noticed that I tend to use stock photos of people rather than my actual children. Objects I take are ok and you may get the occasional blurred shot or background shot but that’s it.

The whole process can take an hour or so; plaiting takes longer as this is an add on from this stage.

I find that distraction is your friend at this stage. A 90 minute movie works wonders and keeps them both static. ish.

I’ve just noticed that the headline image is a woman and boy. Oh well; you get the picture.

Click on those links and make me about £4 richer.

BSD

July 29, 2017

One week in…

And I have a head cold.

The cubs are having a great time. As I’ve mentioned before I am blessed with two, one of each, and they’re of an age where they play with each other nicely, most of the time.

You may have noticed that I haven’t blogged as much this week and that’s because I’ve discovered something new.

Single parenting can be exhausting!

It’s amazing the difference that another adult can make when it comes to chipping in, solving disputes and land grabs, prepping meals and convincing small people that whilst crisps do indeed come from vegetables, surviving on them alone is challenging.

This is probably something that I might have taken for granted previously but I’m amazingly determined. I’m also conscious not to let my frustrations and fatigue play out into a lack of tolerance with them and their behaviour. There’s a fine line between responsible parenting and being an ogre.

What happened to the groceries?

I always like to shop with them as there are endless opportunities for learning here. Some of the most important life skills necessary for adult autonomy can be learnt in the supermarket.

We take turns pushing the trolley, but after my daughter failed to successfully navigate an elderly couple a retook control.

My son has just about outgrown the kid seat in the trolley itself so he is also a free spirit on the peripheries of my control. His contribution to the visit consists mostly of placing random items into the trolley (unopened tube of Vagisil free to a good home) slam dunking fresh fruit and veg and slowly spinning, arms outstretched at the checkout.

Getting home with a good selection of food feels like a major victory but the cupboards are full. The cubs go and do their respective thing.

I cook; they eat; they play; they snack.

Dinner usually goes something like this;

Have you finished?
Yes;
Can you just try a bit more veg please?
Ok, but I only have a little stomach and that’s quite full now;
Ok, but do eat what you can (don’t want to manifest eating disorders)
That’s it daddy; i’m full.
Ok. You can get down from the table.
Thanks dad; can we have some crisps please?

Within 36 hours, full cupboards are a fond memory..

I try to mix activities to keep them challenged

Whilst my son and I were heavily involved in painting animal shapes, I let my daughter loose with one of my cameras. Her challenge was to come up with the most interesting shot she could find.

She was pretty happy with her results.

She even zoomed in to show me it’s eyes…

The only downside

My son sneezed in my face 48 hours ago. Whatever bug he had was already tuned in to my genetic code and I’m a dribbling, snotty mess.

This is only week one.

BSD

July 26, 2017

Sunday was supposed to be so good…

I had it all planned out.

It was my weekend with my cubs. We’d been a bit housebound so to stop us all getting cabin fever I’d planned a walk across the nearby fields.

My daughter had her eye on this stretch of land for a long time. It was at the edge of a football pitch and was fantastically uncultivated. Meadow grass, wild flowers, daddy height thistles and all the fauna to match.

My daughter had reliably informed me that it was the perfect environment to track down the creature that had long eluded her; the grass snake.

My daughter has found a hero (other than me of course) in adventurer/explorer/naturalist and climber Steve Backshall. She’s seen everything he’s done and hangs on his every word and that’s fine. I love nature and the outdoors and so she does too. She had earmarked this bit of land as her hunting ground.

I primed them both for the big walk on Saturday promising a picnic and some pioneering off of the beaten track.

The big day arrived

I was up at the usual 06:00 and the cubs weren’t far behind.

The problem was, they’d woken up tired. I’ve seen them like it before so we lounged on daddy’s bed for a bit and had a cuddle. My daughter then asked if we could watch a movie; my son was nodding in agreement so we watched a movie.

I must admit that I had a little snooze during the movie and felt better for it. I was also determined that we would go for a walk in the countryside.

After much prodding and persuasion I got them both washed and dressed. We had breakfast then packed my rucksack with various snacks and our raincoats; it was glorious sunshine now but rain had been forecast.

I shouldered my trusty D5000, with the intention of getting some good shots for a blog entry under the ‘Activities’ heading; the premise being that I would illustrate how quality time doesn’t have to be expensive.

Off we went.

The sun blazed down but spirits were high. Both the cubs were freerange as we made our way across the top of the pitch and up a beaten path into the meadow. Then it began.

Two stinging nettles were enough to convince my son that the safest place for him was in my arms. Instead of picking him up, I showed him how to stand on the low ones and circumnavigate the taller ones. In his defence, I wouldn’t be comfortable in 6 foot stingers so I cut him some slack. We pressed on.

5 minutes were enough to convince my daughter that she would never find a grass snake so she disengaged stealth mode to see if she could convince some other elements of nature to reveal themselves through the medium of undergrowth kicking.

I don’t remember seeing Steve Backshall kicking nature into plain sight!!

She agreed, before catching a grasshopper in her hands.

My son had run off ahead up the hill and was now proudly holding and waving something green and plastic at me. It was a cigarette lighter. The grass was tinder dry.

One daddy sprint later and disaster averted. I gave him a chocolate bar from my bag and told him not to pick things up off of the ground. We pressed on (again)

I saw my first photo opportunity in a macro of a thistle. I could foreground it with my son running up the hill behind it, blurred into the background. Genius.

I lined up me shot and pressed for autofocus before manually adjusting. The D5000 responded with the idiot bleep and the message ‘No SD card inserted…’

My daughter held up the cigarette lighter and called out; ‘Dad; I’ve found this!’

We went home.

As we entered the park to reach the main road, she found two feathers. one appeared to be from a Jay and the other from a Buzzard. She turned to me:

Best walk in the countryside ever!

Here is a photograph of my camera. That’s all I have to offer.

BSD

July 22, 2017July 22, 2017

Life’s eternal question..

After being a dad for over 7 years, I don’t consider myself to be new at this; but I’m perplexed.

Yesterday was the last day of the school term.

Today is the weekend.

Yesterday neither of my cubs could get themselves out of bed.

Today they’re on my bed by 06:00.

Yesterday they were running on empty.

Today they have enough energy to power a medium sized farm.

Yesterday everything made them cry.

Today; everything is making me smile 😉

I think today will be a movie day…

BSD

July 19, 2017July 19, 2017

Today served as a stark reminder

Time waits for no one.

Nothing I didn’t know and I’m sure you’re the same. Let me talk you through this one.

Sunday is the day that my ex and I plan childcare arrangements for the week ahead. We actually do this a month at a time, but Sunday is confirmation day. This week, it was also when we entered ‘Meet Year 3 teachers‘ for this afternoon at 16:30.

Head down in projects and deadlines I lifted it above the parapet at 16:10. No drama; the drive isn’t far and work is flexible enough for me to pick up the slack later.

Driving affords me the great opportunity to be alone with my thoughts

I’ve known where my priorities are ever since my first born came into the world. Parenthood had a profound affect on me, and where I had been a career driven promotion hungry chap before that day, my focus undoubtedly changed when I became a dad.

I got to the classroom one minute late (time means a lot to me) and squeezed my huge frame into those chairs that are perfect for little people. The two new teachers were at the front, presenting; the parents were scattered around the classroom on a combination of chairs and desks (If only I’d been a couple of minutes earlier..) and our respective children playing and reading quietly on the far side of the classroom.

Then, a no so subtle signal that I’d got my priorities right; my daughter looked up from what she was doing and spotted her daddy across the classroom. Without hesitation, she stood up, made her way through her soon to be teachers, through the parents (who were smiling, knowing where she was heading) made it over to my side and threw her arms around me. Decision qualified.

This is not the focal point of this entry. My point is this; it quite literally seems like yesterday that I walked her into school on her very first day. It all seemed so wrong! she was my baby! she’s way too young! she’s not used to these people or this place etc… She was still so small and vulnerable. I took a photograph of her in her new uniform and shiny shoes as she sat on a bench outside the classroom, waiting for her day to start.

That yesterday was actually 3 years ago.

Life does not hang about waiting for us to make the right decisions; we have to get up, get out and live. We make decisions without knowing if they’re life changing or not; those effects won’t show themselves until years later but, we have to do what we feel is right.

For me, the right decision is to put my cubs first. A missed deadline, an unanswered email or an embittered boss will pale into insignificance in 12 months but my daughter remembering that her daddy was at sports day, at the summer dance, at the nativity and at the teacher meet will last forever.

Choose wisely; you don’t get that time back.

BSD

July 12, 2017

School run

It’s business as usual by the time I pick up my daughter.

My son is asleep within 5 minutes of me driving off. The day is warm so I don’t blame him.

She is full of energy and big hugs which is always something I look forward to. I ask her about her day.

My friend hypnotised me with a piece of bread and I’ve been practicing my kicks. I can kick to a child’s head!

Ok. I don’t want to know how she knows that, but as I received no phone calls during the day, I’m good.

BSD

July 11, 2017

Cooking, drinking and thinking…

Thankfully the sun is still shining when I get back to my car and in fact all day, it has been seasonal bliss.
Ingredients time! I intended to do a shop on the train home but I actually fell asleep! I have a habit of keeping late nights and early mornings and my body is starting to rebel.

On the way home I visualised salmon, salad onions and vegetable rice smothered in sesame seeds.

I read somewhere about the benefits of turmeric (I can’t remember exactly what it did) so I got some of that too. Add some paprika and pesto (thinking ahead) and we’re in business.

I must say I really do have the cooking bug now and it’s a lot of fun, and so much easier to eat healthily.
Salmon something

Wash a cupful of rice in [filtered] water. Place in a small pan and add more [filtered] water. I’ll stop with the parenthesis soon. Add a dash of sesame oil and a sprinkle of paprika. Place on a low heat.

Pre-heat the grill to a medium high heat and foil line a grill pan. Wash the salad onions and chop finely. Grab some garlic and chop that too. Drizzle some oil on the foil and add paprika and turmeric. Drop the chopped stuff on it and mix with your hands.

Wash and dry your hands and then realise that your ingredients will stain anything you touch.

Take the salmon and rub it in the chopped stuff; place it all under the grill.

This one is a pretty quick cooker, depending on how you like your salmon.

From coming in through the door to serving up in under an hour; not bad going.

Shame it didn’t taste so good. I think i’ll ditch one of the big spices next time.

Following dinner I spent a considerable part of the evening sitting in the lounge and being with my own thoughts. As the evening drew in I lay there, feet up and sipping wine, thinking.

Where I am right now is where I need to be right now, but it’s not where I will stay.